“Pretty Little Liars” recap (3.02) — Bitch Can See!


… to the computer lab where Caleb is installing administration-approved hot spots on all the school laptops. She’s like, “Mind if I stand you up again to do some shady dealings?” He kind of does, but if you’re going to date a lady on this show, you gotta take the Lies with the Pretties, Precious.

It turns out Emily missed a full month of school after Maya died and now she’s got to take five makeup exams or risk repeating the 11th grade. Usually, this would be the time I would go, “Not on Spencer Hastings’ watch!” But Aria comes out of nowhere this episode with swagger and opinions and solutions and sizzling one-liners and, again, relatively normal attire. She suggests Emily call Ezra up for some tutoring, but Emily’s not feeling it now that she’s searched(?) Ezra’s underwear drawer(??). Aria’s like, “Come on, it’ll be fun. You can have a lesbian-off to see who’s gayer.” Challenge: accepted.

Having arranged one awkward meet-up for the afternoon, Aria’s long dormant goth senses start a-tinglin’. She sniffs the air and perceives someone nearby that she can make feel weird. And she’s correct! Adultering Meredith, last seen making out with the most horrible man on earth, is at Rosewood High applying for a teaching job. Aria marches right over and snaps, “Hey, Mer! Listen, you ever heard of Jackie Molina? No, you have not — because I fed her dead body through a woodchipper and erased her website page from the internet and now she never existed and neither will you if you don’t step off.” Goddamn, Aria. What has gotten into you? It’s magnificent.

Byron still isn’t on board with Aria and Ezra and he’s not going to get on board with Aria and Ezra no matter how many marriages and parent/child relationships he has to destroy. Every time Aria mentions that Byron doesn’t support her relationship with Ezra, she says they’re “moving backwards” as if they’ve ever moved “forward” with Byron to the place where he’s isn’t sneaking virginity elixir into Aria’s orange juice. Ezra correctly tells Aria it’s her mom whose approval really matters because she is infinitely better that Byron in every way. Like magical Marry Poppins vs. Bloody Mary in the bathroom mirror.

Spencer shimmies on down to the jailhouse where Garrett is more insane than Mona, and three thousand percent less hot. He starts saying words: “Medical records!” “Exhumation!” “Innocence!” “Heabus Corups!” “Coram Non Judice!” “Mens Rea!” And Spencer just — it’s like, sometimes my cat escapes out the front door and hides in the bushes and refuses to come back inside. I can hop around in the shrubbery and poke and prod her with a broom, but she just hisses and scoots to another hiding place. But if I dangle a string down in the bushes and pull it along toward the porch, she cannot help herself from chasing after it. Doesn’t matter how many thousands of times I do it, she’s always fooled. Nala Jane Hogan, meet Spencer Hastings.

Spencer ends up beating on the glass wailing, “Evidence, give it to me!” while Garrett smirks and returns to his cell.

Hanna is back at Radley’s Home for Criminally Insane Masterminds trying everywhichway to get Mona to talk to her. Once she’s taken all the Cosmo and Glamour quizzes, offered up every piece of teenagerly gossip, begged and pleaded and cried and wallowed, she invokes the name of Noel Kahn, and when Mona doesn’t respond to that dastardly summoning, Hanna knows things are doomed. So she picks up a chair and hurls it across the room. Everyone is bringing it with category five insanity today and it is so good. Dr. Wren comes barrelling into the room and ushers Hanna out with typical British grace: “Tea? Biscuits? MDMA?”

Rosewood’s new coffee shop is called Rear Window Brew, so let us assume one of the Liars will witness a citizen of Rosewood hacking someone to bits from a windowside seat before this season is over. It is here that Ezra and Emily meet for a high noon-type showdown of lesbianism, only instead of pistols, they’re packing Feelings. The first fisticuffs category, of course, is tragedy, and Emily’s got a doozy: “My most recent girlfriend was murdered by the ghost of my first girlfriend who was murdered by everyone.” But Ezra, himself, is no stranger to calamity. “My girlfriend’s father,” he says, “is Byron Montgomery.”

It’s a tie of sapphic woe.

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