“Pretty Little Liars” recap (3.01) — Show me your boobs


Speaking of omega-level mutants, Dr. Wren is working the Radley Sanitorium beat today. A couple of eyeball transplants at Rosewood General in the morning, physical therapy for patients with glass in their hair in the afternoon, and some electroshock therapy at Radley in the evening. Just another day at the office for Rosewood’s only practicing medical professional. He tells Hanna she’s never going to get answers from a mentally ill person, and Mona watches from the crack in the door, and is perfect.

Emily’s been carrying that scarf Maya gave her around Haiti all summer long. She unpacks it and wraps it around a framed photo of them in happier/live-er times and wishes Maya had left some of her weed behind. It’s a sad, sad state of affairs, made totally worse by Pam (hi, Pam!) stopping by to let her know some reporters are camped out on the porch if/when she feels like talking about the murder of either of her girlfriends.

One of the reasons I’m the worst AfterEllen employee ever is that I always choose the wrong photos for our annual Hot 100 because I think girls look the sexiest in t-shirts and messy ponytails. So, hey there, Troian Bellisario, Hot 100 winner of my heart.

Spencer tries to get Toby to do the sex with her and he’s like, “Nah.” Which: Hahaha! I am so sure! Spencer keeps ignoring calls from unknown numbers and acting squirrely when anyone asks her who’s calling. She’s got secrets! Hanna’s got secrets! Lucas has got secrets!

Yeah, at school the next day, Lucas skulks around and scowls and growls and tries to bite off the fingers of anyone who reaches out to pet his furry wittle head. It’s registration day. Hanna signs up for AP English because of her new love of vocabulary. Aria signs up for Photography because Jenna has scarred her from every trying her hand at Pottery again. Spencer signs up for Everything because she’s still got that Time-Turner. And Emily looks on sadly from the courtyard and thinks she should probably stop loving the Liars so much lest they find themselves cursed by her affection like Maya, and Allison before her. “No more bodies in no more barns,” Emily promises herself.

I haven’t mentioned how fantastic Aria’s hair looks this season, but it looks so good and I got so mad watching this episode because that Jane By Design logo was taking up half the screen and covering it up! Anyway, you’ve seen this scene ten thousand times by now. Aria has a panic attack when she spies a black hoodie through the bathroom stall and the Liars come running and hug her and calm her down and Hanna says “jubilation” and I love her so much right now I’m about to burst with it.

This is the part of the show where the Liars all wander off and do their own things. This week that means Aria and Ella expositing about how they’ve finally come to terms with Byron’s horribleness and a divorce is in the works. Aria’s like, “I can’t go a full scene without talking about Ezra, so is this divorce Ezra’s fault?” Ella says no, of course not; it’s Mike’s fault. And oh, they giggle and then of course talk about The Empty Grave some more. Hanna and Caleb cook dinner and act adorable until Wren calls to say that Mona is making progress and also he hasn’t made out with any drunk teenagers in a while, so how’s about bringing some scotch up to the loony bin for some British therapy and French kissing. Emily and Toby meet in Rosewood’s first-ever other restaurant to see whose sad face is the saddest. (Toby’s by default, Emily’s by murder proximity.) And Spencer — Jesus Christ, Hastings. Where the hell are you going? Back to the Lost Woods Resort all by yourself? Of course you are. Spencer’s trying to recreate A’s lair with her mind.

Ezra has installed a tracking chip into one of Aria’s molars like how you can get a homing device put into your dog’s tail in case they run away. On anyone else, this would be creepy, but when Aria made the decision to fly around town in a tin can airplane with imaginary Vivian Darkbloom’s imaginary boyfriend, she brought it upon herself. Anyway, the chip alerts Ezra that Aria’s been carted off to jail again, so down to the station he goes, and Ella punches him right in the vagina, like always when this scenario happens. He’s like, “Love, love, love.” And she’s like, “Look, I’ll explain it to you once more: When Aria inevitably is tried before a jury of her peers, it’s going to be a big enough PR nightmare without your statutory shenanigans on full historical display.” The three of them go to dinner to celebrate Aria and Ezra’s first scissoring anniversary.

Emily’s out for a jog — Shay Mitchell, you are gorgeous! — when she sees a car that looks like the car JennaBot drove to meet the person she gave the gun to in the season finale. That sentence is a mess, but you know what I mean. Emily has a flashback that makes me think JennaBot got her hands on some CIA-caliber hallucinogens, kidnapped Emily, and put her fingerprints on every murder weapon in the tri-state area or something. But maybe Emily’s flashing back to that blackout night she mentioned to Toby from when she was in Haiti. God, please don’t let her be roofied and pregnant. I will jump out of a damn window.

As she’s flashing on her MDMA-fuelled kidnapping, she gets a text talking about, “Hey, girl! Remember me?” So she goes running to the Liars to explain her lies. It is at this time that Hanna also confesses to her lies. And so does Spencer. She drags the Liars’ asses way the hell up to the Lost Woods resorts and they go, “Ems, we have to tell you something that’s going to make you go off the rails even more than right the way you’re going off the rails right now. When we came up here to clean out A’s lair the night Maya died and Mona went to jail? Well, someone had already taken all the things.” Emily’s like, “Who? Who took them? The police? Batman? Alison’s zombie corpse?”

No one knows the answer to this question, but before Spencer can just pull someone out of the air at random and latch onto that theory like a dog with a bone, her car alarm goes off. The Liars run outside and find all the doors open and the hatch open and every single surface covered with photos of them standing around Ali’s empty grave. Their phones ding, one by one, and then they read aloud in unison because God does exist and he loves us very much: “Mona played with dolls, I play with body parts. Game on, Bitches. — A”

Show, you are the light of my life. Never leave me again. 

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