“Pretty Little Liars” recap (3.01) — Show me your boobs

 
 

On their way back from the graveyard, Hanna and Aria spy Lucas be-bopping around the town square in the middle of the night, no doubt harboring ill will toward the Liars, and probably his shoes are covered in mud too. The scoundrel! By the time they arrive back at Spencer’s, she’s got all their shit packed up and for one glorious minute I thought she was going to be like, “That’s it. We’re leaving this town forever and moving to Oregon to start our own lesbian commune in honor of Maya St. Germain.” But no, she just wants to hotfoot it up to the lake house so their midnight alibi will be as far away from Ali’s empty grave as possible.

The Liars spend the night on Nana’s fornication couch and when Spencer’s mom calls in the morning to break the news that Alison’s body has been stolen, Spencer’s like, “That is brand new information! By chance, did anyone see us in the graveyard last night wearing hard hats and brandishing pickaxes and driving bulldozers? No? Well, of course they didn’t; we’ve been here all night!” They tighten up their story, agree to stick together, and continue to overlook the very real possibility that Mona cut off her own hand and boiled it with Maya’s heart and Noel Kahn’s scalp and one of those horcrux dolls to reunite Alison’s broken soul with her teenage body.

Emily is in that doom spiral where you get f–ked up and then feel guilty about getting f–ked up so you get f–ked some more which makes you feel even more guilty which makes you get even more f–ked up until it’s like vodka in your Cheerios and ambien for lunch and next thing you know you’re complimenting Aria on her accessories.

Back in Rosewood, Ezbian and Aria are napping and reading, which is literally my favorite thing in the world to do on a date. Like, when my girlfriend and I first started chatting to each other, I was all, “Basically, my deal is books and TV and sleeping and eating dinner at 4:30. Sometimes I play shuffleboard with the other retirees in my old folks home.” And my girlfriend was like, “That sounds perfect.” And I knew we were meant to be. Just like these two lesbians knew they were meant to be that fateful day one year ago when they bullshitted each other about Ulysses before doing it on the sink in the bathroom of a restaurant that never existed after the pilot. Ezra makes my favorite joke this show has ever done. Aria goes, “You still haven’t finished that book?” And he goes, “No one has.” It’s funny because it’s true. They agree to celebrate their anniversary instead of the anniversary of Alison’s death. Because every day is a Deathday Party for Ali, and even the most patient guy in the world needs a break from that shit once a year.

Ashley thinks taking Hanna shopping will be just the thing to get her mind off the anniversary of Ali’s death/the exhumation of Ali’s body. She sizes up a few dresses and asks for Hanna’s input. Basically, she wants something that says “casual sex” without saying “slutty,” which grosses Hanna out so bad. Ashley’s like, “Mama needs to get laid, and not in that hooker-y way that keeps your ass out of jail, OK?” Veronica Hastings has the same idea about retail therapy, which gives her and Ashley a chance to talk over the latest federal offense their children may or may not have committed: “We’re still sure our kids aren’t running some kind of teenage criminal mastermind mob, right? This grave-robbing thing was all Garrett?” “Yes, of course. They were together at your lake house eating Marshmallows and reading the Bible.”

Spencer wants to catch a movie to shut off her brain, like that’s a thing that could ever possibly happen. Like you could flip a switch and turn off the sun. But Hanna has an appointment with Dr. Sullivan.

Baloney! Hanna’s got an appointment with Mona Vanderperfection! Mona perfectly stares at the wall with her perfect face and doesn’t blink and doesn’t intimate that she senses Hanna’s presence and doesn’t move and doesn’t talk. So Hanna has a seat and reads a J. Crew catalog out loud to her. It’s one of those things that’s kind of sweet and kind of hilarious, that Hanna would take the time to do that exact Hanna thing for/with Mona, but I think you miss the larger picture if you don’t focus on the dialogue. To wit: “You cannot find a top this season without feathers on it.” Translation: “Aria has won.”

Seriously, though, Hanna grappling with Mona’s betrayal is, to me, the most heart-wrenching thing this show has ever done, and I think maybe that’s because I can’t relate to losing a girlfriend to axe-murder, but I can relate to that child-of-divorce Messiah complex about holding your whole world together with your tiny Hufflepuff hands and blaming yourself for all eternity if anyone you love ever slips free. Hanna tells Mona she keeps visiting because she needs to know what she did wrong, and it’s horrible and it’s perfect and Hanna’s always going to be the one who carries her arch-enemies from burning buildings. And Hanna’s always going to be the one who sees the Jean Grey love of her life inside that telepathic, sociopathic, solar-system-melting Phoenix shell.

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