“Pretty Little Liars” recap (2.25) — May the odds be ever in your favor!

 
 

Aria is doing her best to stay focused on aimlessly wandering around looking for clues labeled “clues” when a man with a paper bag mask walks across her line of vision. Aria Montgomery knows that paper bag mask. Aria Montgomery has worn that paper bag mask. Inside is Ezra Fitz. He pulls the sack off his head with a flourish and says, “From now on, our actual faces will be the only profile photo on my website page!” Aria swoons so hard she almost faints, and they proceed to make out in front of the entire student body while my roommate — who is: a) a teacher, but b) completely smitten with Ian Harding — rips off her own head because she can’t settle on a correct emotion when his gorgeous face is being gorgeous, but at an actual school function with a girl who was his student.

Like Hanna, Aria just shelves the whole “body bag” conundrum.

Spencer is positively vibrating with manic energy when she calls Emily to tell her she’s riding into Mordor on a pony named Mona. When she and Aria were looting Bates’ office, she noticed that there was no key for Room #2 and that no one had checked into Room #2 since Ali died. Emily says some nonsense about how Spencer has to be back in two hours before they all turn into pumpkins or whatever and Mona’s just over there smiling to beat the band, tapping her toes and humming a cheery tune. 

At the masquerade ball, all of the other Liars have abandoned any pretense of keeping one another from getting killed. Emily’s distraction rockets to eleven when Paige touches her shoulder and reveals herself as a soft butch. She’s like, “Look, Em, I know that every girl you make out with ends up buried under the gazebo at the old DiLaurentis place, but that’s a chance I’m willing to take due to our maddening chemistry.” Emily’s feeling it, to be honest. But she’s still in love with Maya. So she tells Paige to check back in during season three and maybe they can work something out.

Mona helps Spencer break in to Room #2 at Lost Woods and it is A’s f–king batcave, ya’ll. Photos of Ali’s eyeballs are peering at you from every surface. School photos, newspaper photos, Facebook photos, surveillance photos, A’s personal fan-art photos. Those burlap zombie Halloweeen costumes are in there. Dollhouses. The clown face from the fun house where Spencer almost got murdered before Toby chopped down the door. A map with pins in it, locations where the Liars have been tortured probably. A shark tank. A vat of hot oil. A guillotine. Mona goes, “Just so I can make sure we’re on equal footing, brain-wise, what is your estimation of this place?” Spencer’s like, “Murder room.”

Mona lets Spencer wander around in the lair for like half an hour, touching things and reading things. Every few minutes, she goes, “Hey, do you think I could be A?” And Spencer’s like, “Nah.” Again and again this happens until Mona realizes she’s going to have to put on the hoodie and knock Spencer ’round the head with a club before she finally gets it. It’s a disappointment to Mona, really. She thought she’d met her match. It isn’t until Spencer finds Mona’s ill-advised sweater sets stuffed in a shopping bag in the corner that she finally gets it. She’s like, “You’re A.” And Mona is like, “Finally. Damn.” Then: knocks her out.

The Liars have regrouped and now have all eyes on Lucas, Jenna, and a mysterious black swan. They have no idea what to do with that information, though, so they decide to call Spencer and get some instructions for putting together clues and also breathing. Hanna whips out her phone and goes, “Huh. This phone Mona gave me has been recording all of my conversations. Weird.”

Spencer wakes up in the passenger seat of a car going ten billion miles an hour. It takes her a second to realize she’s been fully kidnapped by Mona Vanderbeast. Apparently she’s been trained in chatting up terrorists because she starts asking a whole bunch of questions about the whos and whats, but mostly the hows. Because, frankly, Spencer is a little bit turned on by being out-smarted. Mona starts talking like a Gollum: “We did this” and “We did that” and “We haaaaatees you, Preeeeeciiiious for stealing our one frieeeennnd.” You think she’s talking about an actual team of people who hate the Liars, but Marlene King says Mona did all of the “A” things except for two, so really Mona is talking about all the Monas that live in her head. Which is better than anything I could ever have hoped for. MULTIPLE MONAS. MY BODY IS READY FOR THE DARK MARK!

Oh my God, I think I’ve been hit with an Imperius Curse! Fight it off, Hogan! Fight it off!

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