Previously on Pretty Little Liars: all the things. Just everything you could possibly think of. A pair of Lady Gagas. Prison jumpsuits. Liars getting hit by cars. Liars doing hittings with cars. Child pilots. Jars of eyeballs. Barbie doll slasher flicks. Blind girls getting punched in the head. Blind girls not being blind. Raccoon claw earrings. Old people furniture whittled by teenage boys. Hockey sticks. Shovels. Fire pokers. Canes. Every curve-shaped murder weapon under the sun. Pottery. Mausoleum porn. The law firm of Dolce, Gabbana & Liebowitz. Poisoned Icy Hot. Tory Burch boots. Bell towers. Drunkies. Drowning. V-cards getting punched. Glamping. Hobbits. Vampires. Werewolves. Ghosts. Ninjas. Robots. Zombies. Time Traveling. Girls kissing boys. Girls kissing girls. Hugs. Wallops. Live rats. Dead rats. Satan’s fetus. Fax machines. Computer words. And more Lit 101 references that Ezra Fitz has feelings journals.
The most glorious show of our time, is what I am saying.
It’s been a week since Jenna narced out Garrett, turning over the illustrious Page Five of Ali’s autopsy report to the coppers. He’s in the clink and Rosewood News Network is laying all his shit bare: “Though Officer Reynolds, shagger of blind girls and pregnant ladies, was never found in possession of a shovel, police believe he killed Alison DiLaurentis.” Aria chomps down on some FroYo and thanks the stars that they can finally stop worrying about who killed Ali because when a person gets arrested for killing Ali in this town, you know for sure that person is the real culprit. Melissa be-bops her pregnant ass into the room, snatches the ice cream out of Aria’s hand and goes, “Remember when y’all busted up Jenna Marshall’s face with some pyrotechnics? Yeah? Well, this yogurt is delicious!”
The doorbell rings and it’s a courier with some invitations to Rosewood High’s masquerade ball, which is the best thing you could possibly say to me right now. Only the most awesome things ever happen at a TV masquerade balls. The invitations are from “A,” obviously, and she is done dancing around and asking for her phone back. Either they hand it over before midnight or she starts her murder spree anew.
Spencer smirks out the window and her voice goes to that place where if she was like, “Take off your clothes,” you’d get naked so fast, or like, “Jump off this building,” you’d just leap with all your might, or whatever thing. Anything. But instead she says, “This particular situation reminds me of the way I take everything important away from Melissa and either sleep with it or crush it in the palm of my hand. Like even when we were children that’s the kind of stuff I did.”
On the way to school, Aria says that if Melissa is going to kill her, at least she’ll die in her favorite red galoshes. Sometimes I feel like this show is directed around what Aria is wearing. It’s amazing. Like the camera goes, “Will you get a load of this outfit?” And then thirty seconds later: “No, seriously. Those boots.” Spencer is also ready to die today. Or make someone else die today. Whichever. She calls a secret meeting of the Liars, which Mona overhears, and so she comes scampering up like a tiny fox with her whiskers twitching, all, “Secret meeting? Cool, guys. And then we can all go vintage shopping for our masquerade ball gowns.” They blow her off, one-by-one, and she limps back to the shrubbery so she can hide her tears in leaf-shaped handkerchiefs.
The Liars’ new clubhouse is Ezbian’s apartment and as soon as they get settled in, they start ransacking the place like a pack of wild DiLaurentises. Everything in his apartment is trying to out-adorable all the other things in his apartment. He’s got a shelf full of rom-coms, a plush bunny rabbit, photo albums of him as a kid, when he was only just coming to terms with his lesbianism and the megawatt power of his smile. Aria says that this time it’s probably really over between her and Ezra, and do you remember what laugh tracks sound like? That’s what the Liars sound like when she says that. Because when Ezra Fitz says, “I’ll love you until the sun stops shining,” he literally means, “I will love you for five billion years, until I erupt into a tiny white dwarf star.” Settle in, Aria.
While they’re ferreting through Ezbian’s things, the Liars also piece together some clues that point toward the Lost Woods Resort. It’ll be the middle of the night before they can get there, and, hey, nothing bad has ever happened to them in the woods after the sun goes down, so: road trip!