“Pretty Little Liars” recap (2.24): Abandon hope all ye who play with dolls


After those half-leopard/half-panther jeggings Aria wore on their last mission, she has been banned from the black-ops team. So she just heads over to Ezra’s house to watch some women’s field hockey on the TV and eat tofu and do a massage train. But Ezra doesn’t much feel like doing their normal things because he got fired today. Aria starts in with her usual optimism about how everything will be OK because love pays the light bill and buys the groceries, but Ezra’s like, “Not even processing is going to help me now. I’m going to move back to Tribadism, Mass. to do some soul searching.” He leans into Aria’s kiss for real this time. And leans and leans and leans until she’s pulling off his shirt and pulling him down on top of her.

And just … no! Aria, no! Do not have lesbian sex with a lesbian on this show or someone will disappear into the ether and die! Do not have lesbian sex in the missionary position! Do not have lesbian sex standing up! Just don’t do it, OK?

But they totally do do it. And I’m not really sure their relationship was illegal until juuuuuuust now.

Jenna is sitting on her bed reading some kind of modern warfare handbook in braille when Toby stops by to check on her current blindness. She’s like, “Yep, still blind! But hey, while you’re here, here’s a piece of paper Garrett asked me to destroy at the end of last season. I think it might be something to incriminate him with regards to the murder of Alison DiLaurentis.” Toby goes, “IT’S PAGE FIVE!” And they rush down to the Rosewood Police Department like a pair of regular old first season Liars.

Our now-seasoned Liars are far, far away from the Rosewood PD, breaking into thr doll shop. They descend into the hellscape of the basement again and then the scariest f–king voice you have ever heard starts going, “Follow me, end up like me. Follow me, end up like me. Follow me, end up like me.” They creeeep toward the cabinet that’s making the noise and open it up and there’s a motherf–king Alison-shaped doll covered in blood and mud and holding a shovel. They run for their lives and the shelves start falling down around their ears and I don’t know about you, but I still haven’t been to sleep since this episode aired.

At Spencer’s, the Liars finally decide to join the Witness Protection Program, but on their way to the Rosewood safehouse, they spy Garrett getting arrested. One minute, he’s kissing Melissa and rubbing her baby bump; the next minute, he’s being asked to surrender his weapon. Melissa catches Spencer’s eye, all, “You again!”

Jenna Marshall is sitting at her makeup table cleaning off her lipstick. Poor old blind Jenna. Just blind, blind, blind. So stinkin’ blind. EXCEPT FOR HOW SHE’S TOTALLY NOT!!!!!!!!!! She takes off her sunglasses, a fly lands on her mirror, and she uses her cat-like reflexes to wallop that thing. Then she eyes her eyeballs in the mirror and “Them There Eyes” revs up and the editing in this scene is incredible. This reveal is incredible. Could she see all along or did she just start seeing? If she just started seeing, was she waiting to read page five to make sure she wouldn’t look suspicious if she handed it in? If she could see all along, is she “A”? This show, man. This show.

At the doll shop, the Risen Mitten hands over a wad of sweaty cash to the store owner and a lollipop to the possessed child. And guys, that’s the very last we will ever see of the Risen Mitten. Because next week, the Risen Mitten has a face!

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