“Pretty Little Liars” recap (2.24): Abandon hope all ye who play with dolls

This old lady has a serious southern accent. Like South Carolina southern. And she invites them into the bowels of her unholy sanctuary. Right around the Ninth Circle, a little kid shows up and starts talking like Cole Sear about how Vivian Darkbloom’s torturer used to buy her voodoo dolls in this very store before she finally gave up on the witchcraft and decided to bury Alison alive. His grandma just peters around mumbling about receipts and cotton intestines or whatever horrible doll thing. Wax eyelids. Mohair wigs. Hanna’s like, “We’re gonna go, but you should really think about seeing some sort of exorcist, OK, kid?”

Back at Hanna’s, Aria employs a trick she learned from Ezra. She goes, “OK, everyone take out your journals and write down the first ten feelings you feel. Like, for example, I would write ‘creeped out by the mage-child’ and ‘worried about not being able to accessorize with a chastity belt.’ And then we’ll go around and do haikus about each feeling.” Spencer’s like, “OK, I’ll go first: ‘As the wind blows / calamity, thy name is / Melissa Hastings.’” It’s a good one. Everyone is impressed. But Spencer just keeps on: “I walk across holes / dug deep in my backyard — by / my brother Jason.” Another good one. “It’s cold and I wait / for sweet Alison’s ghost to / come makeout with me,” Spencer practically sings. Aria thinks everyone should really have a turn to say some emotion poems, but Spencer is on a roll: “Carved with his own hands / Noble fir wood rocking chair / But I snogged the Brit.”

At home, Aria is feeling a little bit testy on account of not having a chance to share her feelings with the group, and also that boarding school thing, so she goes, “Hey Mom, tell dad to stop being the worst or I’m going to tell the dean of Hollis that he accepted blow jobs from his grad students.” Ella is stunned, which we’ve really never seen before. Even when Mike broke her arm, she was breezy. But she seems to think Aria has gone a step too far. I do not.

Melissa is back to incubating her devil spawn in Rosewood. In fact, she thinks it’s be just super if Spencer would help her write some thank you cards for the pitchforks and things she got at her baby shower today. She’s like, “Maybe you could find some spare stationary in that bag of murder clues in your bedroom.” Spencer’s really just about had it at this point with not feeling safe in her own house. First, NAT club spied on her from the time she was a child, then Ali got killed after a night in the barn, then Ian moved in and thought it was a funny joke to pop out from behind the shower curtain with a saber in his hand, and then Alison’s zombie started visiting, and now Satan’s own fetus lives there in Melissa’s belly. So Spencer goes, “Hey, Melissa, I saw a video of you murdering Alison.” And Melissa just shrugs it off: “There’s a video of every person in this town murdering Alison, including you, by the way.”

Rosewood High Courtyard of Exposition and Investigation. Hanna has a bright idea (planted by Mona, no doubt!) that they need to frame Melissa into sending an “A” text. Her foolproof plan: Have Mona and Caleb tail Melissa until she gets out of her car, then park the car and make out like bonobo chimps until Melissa sees them, then wait for Melissa to send Hanna a gloating text. And that’s just what they do. Caleb is so grossed out he can hardly bear it, but Mona’s just like, “I’m touching the lips that touched Hanna Marin’s!” Melissa does see them. “A” does text Hanna. And so the Hanna just starts packing up every flash drive and iPad and trophy covered in rodent blood she can find. It’s off to the police station with the evidence finally.

But wait! Spencer still isn’t convinced! Emily still isn’t convinced! Mona was promised a sleepover! They argue and stomp their feet and demand their demands until finally the Liars leave Mona in the shower or something and head back to the doll slaughterhouse to talk to that psychic kid again. They have no idea that they’re all going to end up with PORCELAIN IN THEIR HAIR because they have never seen this show.

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