“Pretty Little Liars” recap (2.24): Abandon hope all ye who play with dolls

Aria stops by Ezbian’s office to celebrate the first time he ever stood up for himself. He thinks there’s a 50 percent chance Byron is going to chop him into tiny pieces in his sleep and use him for fertilizer, and Aria laughs like, “75 percent chance more like!” But they don’t have to worry about that right now because Byron is up in┬áVermont, crying over a bottle of maple syrup because it reminds him of how Aria used to love pancakes and not doing sex with mens.

JennaBot has decided she cannot wait another minute to find out if the infrared reflection is working in her new proximity sensor. Toby comes rushing in wearing a pink apron and tsk, tsk-ing about how the doctor is supposed to take off the patch later that afternoon. She’s like, “I can’t wait until this afternoon. Now remove your clothes and I will see if I can make out the shape of your penis with my new vision.” She pulls off the patch and cries and cries. Toby’s like, “Sorry your life is just one giant disappointment/explosion after another, sister.”

School time! Spencer rushes into the courtyard hooting and hollering about cracking another code. Ali was taking out classified ads asking “A” to stop threatening to kill her, and “A” was responding with classified ads featuring photos of like guillotines and intercontinental ballistic missiles. The week before Ali was buried alive, they’d agreed to meet at Murdering Marionette Mart.

Their sleuthing is halted, per the usual, by the whoosh of doom that accompanies Jenna’s entrance into a room. Since she’s not waving her arms in front of her and bumping into things willy-nilly, Hanna for real goes, “Can you see or not?” It’s the most amazing thing she’s ever said in the history of saying the most amazing things. Jenna says that no, her eyeball transplant was not successful because of faulty wiring in the ocular receptor, but the whole mess has made her realize it’s time for the five of them to stop beating the shit out of each other like the bros in Holden’s fight club. She’s like, “Look, I blackmail my brother into banging me, you throw a firecracker at my face. One of you starts banging my brother, I throw Officer Garrett at your face. Basically, this is a lose-lose situation due to bloodshed and the fact that not a single one of us is getting to sleep with Toby, so let’s stop.”

Emily is the only one at the table who hasn’t really considered the possibility of boning Boo, so she’s not so keen on the truce, but everyone else seems to be on board. Spencer suggests another trip to the demon-filled doll store to “retrace Ali’s steps.” A phrase that will haunt her for the rest of her whole entire caffeine-fueled life here in about 30 minutes.

Mona comes stomping up the hallway like a woolly Godzilla brandishing her phone at Hanna and shouting about getting Hexted by “A” some more. Y’all, Mona really is trolling herself, I believe. She’s like, “Now this anonymous person wants me to break up you and Caleb, but I have concocted an elaborate ruse that brings me one step closer to framing someone else for my misdeeds while slashing Caleb’s throat with my fingernail file and stuffing him in my trunk and gay marrying you.” Hanna goes, “Good plan. I’ll just go ahead and see if Spencer will give us some wedding bands from her stash of plunder.”

Aria stops by her mom’s classroom to let her know she and the gang are taking the Mystery Machine up to Brookhaven to do some hobbit-hunting and general investigating, but what she finds is a note from her dad attached to a fax talking about, “The team of assassins will arrive at Ezra’s apartment tomorrow morning at the same time the vestal virgins from Celibacy College are dragging Aria out of bed. Please send her measurements to the blacksmith this afternoon for the chastity belt I’m having forged.” Byron. God. Be worse, I dare you.

The Liars wander around Brookhaven waiting for someone to wander up and give them a clue like what happens when you’re in a video game and you’re finished with a particular quest. But no one obliges. Soon enough, though, they spot a little old lady opening up the doll hospital, so they accost her. It’s always a treat to watch Spencer use her country club manners because on the outside she’s so sweet even when people won’t acquiesce to her charms, but on the inside she’s just like, “KILL YOU! KILL YOU, PRECIOUS!”

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