And now back to our regularly scheduled paternal s–tshow. Peter interrupts Spencer’s studies, like, “Hey, remember that country club where you met that tennis pro who you dirty danced with in the kitchen and then he left the show because you applied for him to go to tennis camp in Switzerland, which: a) is the stupidest reason I’ve ever heard for breaking up with a person, and b) is a letter you did not actually send?” Spencer does remember such a club. Peter wants to take her there to do some Thurston Howell III-type things, but she’d rather stay home and rifle through his belongings …
… which Melissa catches her doing about ten minutes later. Too late, though! She already found a receipt for 15,000 DOLLARS CASH MONEY that was written right around the time Alison received 15,000 DOLLARS CASH MONEY and then died. Melissa is like, “What the bleeding heck are you doing in Dad’s office, lady?” Spencer tells how the fax machine is broken at the Marin’s house and so she’s going to have to mail a letter in an envelope through the United States Postal Service with a stamp. Melissa just happens to have a stamp in her purse, because she is your grandmother and it is 1994.
At the bus station, Emily asks nicely if the ticket seller guy has seen Maya, but the ticket seller guy doesn’t have time to talk to her because he’s got a SPAM sandwich with his name on it and only ten minutes to eat it. But then he spots Emily’s dad and goes, “Oh, is there a dude here with you? I guess my SPAM sandwich can wait.” He did, indeed, sell a bus ticket to Maya, but then he saw her get in the car with “A,” so he can’t really vouch for her whereabouts. Another theory I have is that Lucas was doing one of his nightly cross-country drives and offered to give Maya a ride to California. Maybe they could pop in at Caleb’s and do a threesome or whatever, he probably suggested. Emily’s dad tips his manly hat to the ticket seller guy and the ticket seller guy sings the National Anthem.
Over at the Home of the Brave, Byron says, “You’re my little girl” about ten thousand times to Aria, and it’s no goddamn wonder he’s got such a problem with Ezra Fitz. I mean, Ezra is the exact opposite of Byron. He treats Aria like an adult, asks for and listens to her opinion about things, respects her as an autonomous human being independent of his desires. Meanwhile, Byron’s whole identity is wrapped up in the illusion that Aria is still a little kid. His little kid. It’s the kind of True Love Waits bulls–t that prompts fathers to give purity rings to their daughters that their daughters then give back to them when they get married and their sexuality becomes the responsibility of another man. Gross. Blech. Blarg.
Emily is showering for the dance when Maya finally decides to return one of her calls. Emily calls back immediately but Maya doesn’t answer. I really am starting to think she’s been taken hostage.
Downstairs, Ashley makes the fatal mistake of hinting that she’d like a look-see at Hanna’s phone, and you know what Hanna does? She just tosses that f–ker in the dishwater. Ashley, don’t worry! Just check the air vents in the Rosewood High Library! In times like these, you can always find a hacker hobo who’s just looking for a hot meal in exchange for some technological sorcery!