“Pretty Little Liars” recap (2.22) — Everybody wants to rule the world

Rosewood High. The Liars accost Spencer about how they’ve got to go to the police now that they know four of the 20 people who killed Alison, including “A,” who is Melissa. Spencer makes a couple of salient points: 1) If Melissa really is A, that means she dragged Ian’s zombie corpse all around town while texting herself from Ian’s phone, which is a lot of grossness, even for Melissa. And 2) What has happened every time they have taken evidence to the police? Emily goes, “Rat blood.” And the Liars nod in agreement. The video will just have to wait.

After school, Spencer spies a prezzie on the kitchen counter. She’s leery, of course, because sometimes a present is a lovely end table whittled by your boyfriend, and sometimes it is a talking doll that instructs you cut out the heart of your boyfriend, and sometimes it is earthworms in your Chinese takeout. This time, though, it is a diamond necklace from Peter Hastings, a pre-dance gift. Spencer lets out a low whistle. How many pickup trucks will she be able to to buy when she sells this thing down at Ol’ Gatsby Pawn & Save? Peter walks in all, “Do you like it, darli—” But Melissa shuts him up by kneeing him right in the ballsack. On the way upstairs, she mouths to Spencer, “We hates him, Precious!

So many secret meetings in cars! Ashely is cozied up to Snape in some BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA or another. He’s all, “I’d really like to get my hands on Hanna’s phone.” And she goes, “I’ll bet you would.” And he’s like, “It’s not what you think. I don’t want Hanna’s phone because I’m still convinced she murdered Alison. I want Hanna’s phone because she’s got stuff on there that’s going to make me lose my job because I’m still convinced she murdered Alison.”

OK, and remember when Alison spotted Byron and Meredith making out in that car and was like, “Aria! Parental shadiness ahead!” Remember? Well, Mona and Hanna are walkingdown the sidewalk talking about how Dante certainly had community service in mind when he was writing Divine Comedy — “ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE!” — when Mona goes, “Hanna! Parental shadiness ahead!” Because Ashley and Snape are having their secret meeting in the town square.

Hanna clomps in the door like a Serena van der Beast, all, “If you are sleeping with Snape like some sort of Pretty Woman situation, I am going to vomit. And not like the bulimia way Alison taught me. Or the way I got drunk and vomited on Isabel’s wedding dress. I mean, the kind where a person vomits out of disgust.” Ashley calmly explains for like the billionth time that she knows Hanna is being stalked (“Yeah, by Snape!” says Hanna) and she’s not going to stand by and watch her get hit by another car or dump another boyfriend’s body over the side of a rowboat or stuff another dozen cupcakes down her gullet. Hanna runs off in a huff shouting the whole way up the stairs about, “It’s not like anyone even noticed Lucas was gone!!!!”

Aria and Mike have an awkward conversation about how he has to shave while his dad is in Out Of Town or else Byron gets so weepy that he skulks around in his bathrobe for days on end, flipping through family photo albums and rocking Aria’s old Cabbage Patch Dolls to sleep, crying about, “My babies! My babies!” Mike’s like, “Speaking of things that make dad act like an insane person, don’t you think it’s about time for you to break up with Mr. Fitz?” Aria’s just rolls her eyes and leaves him to it. Her pterodactyl-skin dress and tarantula-fur wrap aren’t going to pick themselves out for the dance.

Finally, sensing we’ve had just about all the murdering, infantilizing, Kate-loving dads we can handle, Papa Fields (hi, Papa Fields!) shows up. One look at Emily’s face and he goes, “Unlike the other fathers on this show, I am going to treat you like the competent, capable young lady you are. No patronizing. No blackmailing. No homocide. Clearly, something is bothering you. If you want to talk about it, I will listen and help anyway I can.” 

Emily explains that Maya probably ran away to California due to the fact that she told Emily she was running away to California and left her parents a note saying she was running away to California, both of which seem to indicate that she ran away to California. Papa Fields says they should check the bus station because when he was a young hoodlum trying to get the heck out of this murder hole of a town, he used the bus station.

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