“Pretty Little Liars” Recap (2.21) — A Ravenclaw walks into a bar


Actually, she’s mostly hungover. But also, she must have destroyed half her brain cells last night because she’s totally forgotten the furniture whittler of her heart and settled for the British physician of her loins.

Not snogging are Aria and Ezra. In fact, Ezra’s been doing a little journaling on his own thank you very much, and he has come to the conclusion that maybe love doesn’t conquer everything after all. (You taught a master’s level course on The Great Gatsby and you’re only just now figuring that out, buddy? Pro tip: Don’t walk out into traffic.) I don’t think Aria and Ezra are ever really going to breakup. The weather would be wasted without them making up and making out in it, but I’ve never seen Lucy Hale cry like this. It’s too much. And Ingrid Michaelson is cutting your heart out also, with her sad sad song, in case you’re a monster and don’t feel sad looking at those panda bear-sized tears.

At home, Aria just keeps on crying until Ella finds her and demands to know what “A” has done now. Aria goes, “A isn’t the terrorist this time! Dad is the terrorist! You want Ezra out of my life? Congratulations, he’s out of my life! AND I AM OUT OF YOURS!” Pam would have popped Emily in the Jaw, Ashley would have shouted back at Hanna, Spencer is being raised by Balloo the Bear at this point, so who really knows how he would have handled it, but Ella is the greatest. She’s just like, “Right, of course you were still dating Ezra.” And so she follows Aria over to Ezra’s and asks them to explain this whole thing to her one more time. Ezra’s like, “You want to … process?” His eyes light up like Christmas and he scurries away to put on the kettle.

Spencer is doing a little homework, watching some videos of her sister doing some murdering, checking her stocks. You know. Just an evening. Melissa wanders in all, “Hey, do you mind leaving your communication devices and anything that might be deemed as ‘evidence’ on this table and following me into the backyard. I just need to get my rifle from under the sink.” Spencer happily follows her out the door like Old Yeller. Across the street, Ashley is like, “Hey, I saw that police report you and Mona left out. I don’t think it was Snape who sent it to you guys. I think it was the ghost that’s been trying to kill you these many years.” There’s a letter on Hanna’s bed from the abandoned law firm where the burner phone originated. Ashley’s like, “Man, I haven’t thought about that place since Melissa worked there, doing paralegal things and stuffing dead bodies in their basement.”

At school, Mona tells Hanna that she took the fall for her mom. She returned her stolen necklace and is going to jail and will Hanna please just kiss her on the mouth now or what. And over at the Marin’s, the doorbell rings. It’s a cop who is not Garret and he needs to talk to Emiily about Maya. Maya who has gone missing.

The Risen Mitten fires some shots at a target. An owl hoots her dispassion into the night. A lesbian cries with the sadness of a swimmer scorned. A rattlesnake rattles. A bee buzzes. A wolf howls. Oh, wait. Never mind. That wasn’t a wolf. Aria just realized her leopard skin sleuthing pants are ripped beyond repair. What a hard knock life she does lead. 

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