Hanna calls the meeting of Lying Liars Who Lie to order with the news that her mom did some prostituting one time with ol’ Detective Snape. Emily, because she’s Emily, refuses to judge Ashley or Hanna. Spencer, because she’s Spencer, doesn’t understand why Hanna didn’t just buy the designer sunglasses with her leftover lunch money. And Aria is wearing a legitimate dog collar. Awesomely, though, she goes, “ASentMyMomALetterAboutMeAndEzraAndNowShe’sOnTheHuntToFindOutWhoAIs.” Emily Emilys about, “It’s OK. We understand.” And Spencer goes, “No! We are together, Aria! Didn’t we have like seven thousand conversations where we cried over losing Toby and Ezra to A?” Aria’s like, “Yeah. But. I mean. Ezra says it’s good to cry once a day. It flushes the bad feelings toxins out of your body. Sometimes we listen to Sarah McLachlan and look up photos of puppies in prison just to cleanse our tear ducts.”
Hanna calls them downstairs to look at an email Caleb sent over. It’s that murder night video some more. The usual suspects: Garrett, Ian, JennaBot. Only this time the video plays on and in storms Melissa and the Liars’ reaction is the greatest thing this show has done since they stopped reading their text messages out loud in unison.
In case you don’t recognize Melissa even though she looks like Melissa and sounds like Melissa, Spencer goes, “It’s Melissa!”
For the first time ever, the Liars are all, “Done. We’re going to the police. Get your things.” But Spencer’s like, “No! She’s my sister!” Even Emily is like, “Nu uh, girl.” But Spencer whispers, “Christmas? Feety pajamas?” They agree she can have one night to talk to Melissa before they go to the police. Frankly, I don’t know why seeing her is such a game-changer for them, but who cares. Everything that has happened — that one twin that killed the other twin over the doll, Ali getting murdered on repeat, Jenna losing her eyeballs in the fire, Hanna losing her virginity to a vagabond, the satanic fashion show, Lucas’ muddy feet, those pig cupcakes, Jenna and her flute, Toby and that rocking chair, Emily getting poisoned, Caleb living in the air vents, Holden taking kung-fu to The Shire, Paige drowning Emily, Ashley strangling the wealthy widow, Ezra’s tomes of iambic pentameter, the Blind Girl Craft Fair, that gross little beast Noel Kahn, the way Melissa will blow off Soencer to cruise around town in Garrett’s dickmobile, all the wild animals that were slain for the sake of Aria’s earrings, all of everything in this and every world — has happened for one reason: So Spencer Hastings could get drunk.
Mona stops by Hanna’s to drop off a police report. “A” left it in her mailbox with instructions turn in Hanna’s mom for whoring or feel the wrath of the Rosewood’s shoplifting squad. She’s like, “Eh, maybe this ‘A’ cat is just bluffing.” Hanna’s all, “Tell that to the tire marks on my cleavage.” And either Mona is really “A” and trolling herself to an applaudable degree. Or else: Poor little lamb!
Hanna, Emily, and Aria creep off into the night to that address they bought from Vivian Darkbloom’s information supplier. Aria pants are like if Katie Fitch said, “You can have these pants when you pry them off my cold, dead body” and Aria pried them off of Katie Fitch’s cold, dead body. What they find is an abandoned law office. They start sneaking around like they do and then Caleb from the future pops his transient head up in the doorway. He screams, Aria screams, an alarm screams, and the Liars run off into the night like a pack of wounded hyenas.
Here’s what I think. I think Lindsey Shaw has one of the best voices on TV. The tenor, the timbre, the way she enunciates. It’s a marvel. And I think Troian Bellisario knows that. I think she sensed a challenge to her vocal eminence. And so she threw herself into drunken Spencer like nothing she’d ever done before, to secure our adoration. And goddamn. That’s really all I have to say about it. I guess Wrencer is a thing. I guess Wrencer shippers were happy. I don’t care. The universe exists for one reason and that reason is this reason:
Emily stops by Roswood Grill for some takeout and sees a black girl. Since Rosewood has only ever been home to two black girls, she figures there’s a fifty percent chance it’s Maya. It’s not. Outside, Paige is like, “My Sapphic senses started tingling so I came running. The ability to just know when your ex-girlfriend is having problems with her current girlfriend, that’s a thing, right?” Emily’s like, “Yes. Maya is either breaking up with me or dead or back at Bible Camp or working on a lesbian commune just outside of San Francisco.” Paige rolls her eyes, all, “That is just soooo Maya, amirite? When the going gets tough, she gets going — to drug prison.” They hug. Perrin Lamb sings, “Lay your broken words upon my ear.” And then Paige just goes for it. When she wants to drown a girl, she drowns a girl. When she wants to kiss a girl, she kisses a girl. Emily is like, “Seriously?” And Emaya shippers are like, “SERIOUSLY?!”
And Spencer’s still drunk, so we’ve got to get back to that.