Spencer is wearing a side braid and a jacket from the Han Solo Collection. Probably there is a lightsaber stashed inside her pocket also. Aria is wearing a headband/bow combination from the Blair Waldorf Collection. Probably there are cyanide capsules stashed inside it. They won’t need their weaponry though. That guy from the cell phone store just wants the money Vivian Darkbloom owed him. They give him the cash; he gives them an address … which makes them livid? I don’t understand. Did they think he was going to, like, hand-deliver “A” with a ribbon wrapped around her devil baby bump? He’s like, “That’s the address is where I tracked the burner phone that was being used to blackmail Vivian. You know, burner phones. Like the things you found a receipt for in your lake house attic, which you used to track down a burner phone kiosk directly outside Melissa’s apartment?” Spencer’s like, “Damn, why can’t we find a clue that actually leads somewhere!”
They ready the Mystery Machine for the newly acquired addy, but then notice Officer Garrett out of his police uniform and in his civilian jackhole uniform, snacking on some Jujubes and grinning like a Noel Kahn. I guess what’s really important in this scene, though, is that Spencer licks her own lips as a pavlovian response to seeing Aria lick her lips.
I don’t make the news; I only report it.
Hanna’s sitting around not getting blackmailed by “A,” feeling for all the world like an Aria Montgomery (minus the lesbian lover) on any given afternoon, so she decides to help her mom stir-fry some Benjamins for supper. Hanna is just chopping up pennies and nickles for seasoning, humming Taylor Swift and thinking about which outfit she’ll wear to bed, when suddenly: “Hey, Mom, remember when you f–ked that cop to get me off those shoplifting charges? How funny would it be if people found out about that?” Ashley is like, “If by ‘funny’ you mean the department of family and children services would take you away from me and make you live with that slut Isabel and her horrible daughter Kate, then yes, Hanna, it would be a real laugh riot.”
We cross the MILF vector and find Ella Montgomery also zeroing in on the fact that her child is being terrorized by a hobgoblin. She tries to talk to Aria about the note “A” left Bryon instructing him to go to Lezzer Bistro, and about the note “A” left her last year instructing her to divorce her philandering husband, and about how she used to know all the people in Aria’s life before she started dating her teachers and getting fleeced by a person who hunts children for sport. And would you just get a load of Aria. She nearly faints into her chair, where she pulls out her feelings journal and starts writing furiously. God, her and Fitz are so perfect for each other. Ella’s like, “OK, carry on with your lesbianism; I’ll just be downstairs solving murders and baking a pie.”
Emily and Paige collected ten hundred billion dollars for the swim team, beacuse duh, what wouldn’t you give Shay Mitchell if she showed up at your door? Paige goes, “Oh, hey, I was just thinking: we make such a good team swimming and collecting money that we’d probably also make a good team naked wrestling.” Her phone rings and it’s her mom. Paige goes, “No, mom we weren’t writing poetry and eating French vegan food. Emily is just a friend.” She rolls her eyes at Emily, all, PFLAG, right? And when she gets off the phone, Emily is like, “French vegan food?! Did you come out?!” Paige did come out, and her face when she says it is the sun after ten thousand rainy days. Emily actually grasps the table and sits down like she just found out her dead best friend’s brother is also her brother who also made out with her sister. Like it’s that shocking. Paige is so proud and Emily is so proud and I am so proud and the music is so proud.
Honestly, I don’t even know what’s most adorable in this scene: Emily in that hat, Paige’s face, that rawring dinosaur over Paige’s shoulder, the way the piano is like hope, hope, hope, ye young gay ones, the way the physical distance and emotional distance disappears like magic as Paige tip-toes across the room to tell Emily how she’s the one who gave her the courage to come out. Emily clears her throat once, twice; tries to change the subject to Paige’s parents ’cause it’s getting hot in there. Hanna breaks the tension with an SOS text, and Paige, who played it cool as long as she possibly could, goes, “Is that Maya?” Emily says it’s not, then hands over the swim team money, all business: “I’m really happy for you.” Paige’s mouth says, “Thanks.” But her face says, “I wish you were happy with me.”
Damn, Paige. Why you gotta play my heart like that?