“Pretty Little Liars” recap (2.20) — The Lesbian, the Liar, and Puff the Magic Dragon

Spencer meets Jason and he asks her a million questions about every detail of her conversation with her dad. She’s like, “I think you’re missing the point here, brother. What’s important right now is: where’s all that cash?”

All right. Now. This next bit is written and directed and edited brilliantly. Aria stalks Holden to his fight club, where they have a pretty poignant conversation about how you can wait around to die, or you can fight. Caleb calls Hanna and talks in code about how he needs her help because he’s about to bring his computer online at the police station. Byron stops by the French vegan place and camouflages himself in the corner, just waiting to pounce on Ezbian when he walks in the door. It’s high stakes, baby! And the jackpot is death, prison, and death!

Let’s go backwards. Aria texts Ezra talking about how she has to reschedule. Which: Rude much? Ezra is obviously thinking the same thing until he notices Byron enjoying some delicious Sapphic pastries at Chez ‘Mo. Ian Harding’s face is amazing when he ducks behind the wall and speedy quick walks away like James Bond, turning up the lapels of his coat.

Hanna is trying to break into Caleb’s laptop remotely while Caleb is handing over control to Snape. First, she can’t remember the password. It’s the number sequence at the end that’s giving her trouble. Luckily Spencer shows up, like, “Maybe it’s a date! What kind of date would a hobo choose?! The day he lived under a real roof?! The day he had sex in the wilderness for the first time?!” Hanna’s like, “Oh, of course!” They hack in and notice the folder named “Hefty” at the same time as Detective Snape. Spencer’s shouting, “CTRL A! CTRL A!” And Hanna’s hearing, “CONTROL ‘A’! CONTROL ‘A’!” And she literally goes, “THAT’S WHAT WE’RE TRYING TO DO!” Such a funny thing. Ashley Benson is a gem. They delete the files, Caleb goes free, Snape is outsmartted by the Scooby gang again.

Oh, and Holden doesn’t die in fight club. Byron calls Aria just to double check that they’re together. And they are. And they’re off the hook. Until, like Ella predicted, Holden’s heart explodes one night in a basement while Aria and Ezra are just snogging each other’s faces off in the rain.

And then there’s one other thing: Emily finds Maya lighting up on the back porch. And it’s so classic, so classic, right? Two teenage girls love each other. One of them is an insider and one of them is an outsider. The outsider will never truly be an insider, no matter how hard she tries. That’s just the rules of the high school food chain. You can make your girlfriend a poster and wait for her triumphant return from her sports crusade with open arms. But you’ll get shuffled out by the prom queen nine times out of ten, because the sea parts for the insiders and engulfs the outsiders. They’re Lady Gaga on the loudspeaker and you’re Wye Oak on your can headphones. So the outsider has to drag the insider out of her circle, away from the party. And if the insider won’t go? Then you act the f-k out and and smoke up in a place where she’s sure to find you and then give her an ultimatum about sacrificing her deal for your love. It’s gross, man. So gross. But you can’t blame Maya for doing the things ten badrillion girls have done before her. And you can’t blame Emily for going, “Are you f–king kidding me with this shit right now?”

Oh, if only love really did conquer all. (Although it does have a much higher success rate out of high school.) (Particularly Rosewood High School.) 

Hanna rushes into Caleb’s arms at the police station, Ezbian pulls that brown paper bag with the magic marker face over his head and slips off into the night, Emily calls Maya to talk it out.

Meanwhile, A watches from the window, wondering when Emily will go up to bed so s/he can break in and steal some of those leftover party cookies. Because even serial killers have sweet tooths. (Sweet teeths?)

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