“Pretty Little Liars” recap (2.20) — The Lesbian, the Liar, and Puff the Magic Dragon

Officer Garrett, you’re looking even shiftier than normal; what’s going — ohhh. You want to steal Caleb’s laptop and hack into it to see how many movies he’s got on his hard drive called “So I Murdered My Blind Girlfriend’s Arch Nemesis with my Cop Hands, starring Garrett the Cop and His Cop Hands.” Detective Snape catches him and giggles about how fun it is to dick around with Rosewood students and their own personal shit, but then gets down to business. Remember Page Five of Alison’s autopsy report? The one that was missing from every hard copy and digital copy from every hospital and police precinct in America? Well, old Snivellus didn’t find the missing page, but he did find a security camera photo of the girls in their candy striper suits looking shady outside the morgue. Only took him like ten months to dig that one up.

Byron finds a note on his car: “Do you know where Aria is going to be tonight? I do. Lesboville, pop. Ezra Fitz.”

Emily is hosting a victory party for the Sharks, and she’s so hyped on the Under the Sea theme (due to her sexual high jinx at Maya’s place a couple of weeks ago) that she’s decorated everything blue, blue, blue, including her dress. She’s really geared up: icing cupcakes, humming The Little Mermaid lyrics about kissing girls, and just generally being radiant when Maya pops by with The Question. “Can we talk?” Outside she tells Emily that her parents — the hippie ones with the tattooed wedding bands and the free love and “down with the one percent” and and organic toothpaste — are going to ship her back to True North because they found a crusty old joint in her room after they’d unpacked some stuff from storage (including, note, a box of Alison’s shit). Emily goes, “I’d like to say I’m surprised, but my love life is strictly governed by Newton’s laws of motion. And in terms of equal and opposite reaction … well, let’s just say I’m frankly shocked you’re still alive after the joy of our scissor-fest the other week.”

Det. Snape calls Hanna and Ashley down to the precinct to talk about why he has a photo of Hanna and her buddies dressed up like candy stipers on the floor of Rosewood Hospital that houses page fives of autopsy reports and also that clinic where you get new eyeballs. Ashley’s like, “I’ve got this, Hanna. First of all, man whom I’ve seen naked, I’ve known Spencer Hastings for a long time and costumes are 30 percent of her entire identity, so the fact that she’s dressed like that is no surprise. As for Aria, just be glad she’s not wearing a dress made of trout gills with matching fish-eyeball earrings. And Hanna, well, she just completed Truth Up Day, so I think you’ll agree she’s reformed.” Boom! Lawyered!

Seriously, though: doesn’t he have a boss? Someone who would be like, “Dude, this case has been closed ever since that zombie confessed. And, honestly, your obsession with these children is starting to seem Office Garrett-levels of creepy.”

Aria’s Chamber of Living Breathing Accessories. Byron stops in to ask if she’s secretly meeting Ezra for a showing of God of Vengeance or “one of those other classic plays about a lesbian whore with a heart of gold.” Aria’s like, “No, I always get this fancy for the arcade, duh.” And Byron’s head just explodes right there on the spot because: lies. And speaking of exploding, Ella also stops by to remind Aria that Holden has a heart condition in which his heart will literally burst if he’s kicked in the ribs just right.

After finding out that Snape is after them again, Spencer tells Emily and Aria she’s going home — that’s how she says it, italicized like that — presumably to go through the laundry to see if any thousands of dollars fell out of her parents’ pockets in the washing machine. Her dad, home from Out Of Town for the first time since 2007, tries to apologize for fathering all the kids in the neighborhood, but Spencer just smacks him in the jaw and demands an answer about why he gave Ali all that cash. He says he didn’t. So I’m guessing it was Melissa, who is looking more and more like Ali’s killer every day. Reasons to kill Ali? Ali was: 1) Cheating with her boyfriend. 2) Cracking the code of Jason’s DNA. 3) Threatening to destroy her family and her relationship with Ian. Melissa is looking more and more like an accomplice to “A” also. Her apartment is right next to Smitty’s in Philly. She had access to the lake house where those creepy doll photos were taken. She’s still incubating a spawn of Satan in her uterus. Just … look out for that girl.

At Emily’s party, Maya is creeping in the shadows and when Emily tries to talk to her about her feelings, Maya does that thing. You know the one. That girlfriend test about, “Let’s ditch this party and go somewhere by ourselves so you can prove you love me best by letting me have your full attention while I sulk.” Emily’s like, “After the party we can go somewhere, sure!” And Maya is like, “Awesome. I’ll be outside. Do you have a lighter? Or a bong?”

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