“Pretty Little Liars” recap (2.20) — The Lesbian, the Liar, and Puff the Magic Dragon

Ella and Byron are sorting books for a book fair and arguing about whether or not Aria needs to continue to walk through an elderly detector every time she comes in and out of the house, and also be driven to and from every date with Holden, and also if she needs to be reminded to keep a balloon’s distance between the two of them at all times. (Oh, man. Remember when Hanna actually had to do that? At Ken Doll’s chastity club or whatever the hell that thing was. That’s where we met Lucas!) Ella wants to loosen Aria’s leash, and she means that literally: Aria has taken to wearing a variety of exotic-colored leashes as necklaces. Byron says no! Which is a thing he is now embroidering on all his clothes and pillows and business cards. “Byron says no!” Unless it’s him having an affair with a student. And then: Sure, OK, why not.

Spencer stops by Jason’s town square office (DiLaurentis Commercial Propeties: “You buy the land, we dig the holes with our hands”) but he’s not there due to selling the wacky weed to Maya. Or counseling her. Who knows. Maya was recently caught giggling at Noel Kahn and now she’s having a conversation in hushed tones with Jason. If she and JennaBot start up a jazz band next week, I think we may be in trouble. Anyway, Spencer waves him over, all, “Hey, brother.” And he’s like, “Did your father happen to mention why he bribed Alison with 15,000 dollars cash money to keep her quiet about the secret of our matching chins?” She’s like, “No, but I’ll run it buy him next time I’m home stealing jewelry to pawn.”

The Liars are in a restaurant we’ve never seen before, which means they’re not in Rosewood, because even Aria mentions in a little while how that town only has one eating establishment. The guy from the phone call last week shows up to talk to Aria about their buddy Vivian Darkbloom, while Hanna watches from a compact mirror like the least conspicuous spy you have ever seen in your life. She’s, like, blowing kisses at Aria and winking and mouthing, “We got your back, girl.” This guy is maybe the most worthwhile lead they’ve ever uncovered. He reveals that: a) Vivian hired him to track down a cell phone number from a person who was b) blackmailing her, and c) he actually managed to do it, before d) she dimed him out to his supervisor and got him fired. Also, he still knows the details of the blackmailer and he’ll happily give them up for a paltry sum of $2,000. (Just 15 percent of the money Jason found in that box under the floorboards of Georgia Granny’s house!)

What’s hilarious is that all the Liars just look at Spencer like, “Well, are you going to get two grand out of the ATM so we can pay this guy or what?” And Spencer is like, “My parents took away all my money when we were caught with that shovel! Come on!”

I love Caleb so much in this episode because he’s still so new to this whole Rosewood PD thing that he’s actually able to work himself up to eleven on the Righteous Indignation Scale because the cops still won’t give him back his laptop. We only hear his side of the conversation, but he asks for his laptop back and presumably Garrett is on the other end of the line going, “Why do you need it?” Real sly, Garrett. What a clever trickster you are. “Oh, because I’m trying to help my girlfriend solve the mystery of her best friend’s murder by decoding a bunch of photos of you holding various murder weapons and skulking around the dead girl’s bedroom and wearing Jenna’s panties. And I just want my laptop back so I can keep implicating you.” For real, though, Caleb is like, “BECAUSE IT’S MINE!”

Now, hold onto your vaginas ’cause it’s about to get as lesbian up in here as an L Word viewing party at a plaid convention in San Francisco on Pride weekend. Aria calls Ezra to tell him she’s gonna drop Holden off at fight club then meet him in Philly, and this homo over here, he goes, “Spiffing! There’s this new French vegan place I’ve been wanting to try!” OK, and then he updates his Facebook profile to include “Educated at Mount Holyoke” and then he checks the WNBA and LPGA scores and then he zips up his polar fleece and slips into his Birkenstocks and hops into his Subaru Outback and puts on the Indigo Girls “Closer to Fine” album and sings all the way to the food co-op about, “There’s more than one answer to these questions, pointing me in a crooked line!”

The face he makes, though. The side smile. It’s pretty great.

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