“Pretty Little Liars” recap (2.18) — Dayum, Emaya!

 
 

Aria is none the wiser about Ezra because she’s on an actual date with Holden. Well, they say it’s not a date, but Lucy Hale has insane chemistry with everyone and everything. People. Inanimate objects. You want to ship Aria with, like, her locker? Totally feasible. So they’re out playing air hockey and talking smack to each other and Aria discovers Holden’s secret: He’s in a fight club! I really was kind of hoping he’d be Maya’s stalker. But you know what? Maybe Maya is ALSO in a fight club. What if this show’s big secret is that all of the supporting characters belong to to — oh, man. Listen to this. What if NAT club is really a fight club? Maybe it’s not Latin for “We See All.” Maybe it’s standard American English for “National Association of Terror.” And they own like a warehouse or something, with stadium seating and and Melissa is the ringleader and JennaBot is the reigning world champ because: lasers. That’s how Ali got herself killed, a few swift blows to the head in a cage match with Noel Kahn.

Anyway, I guess that’s what Holden’s got himself tangled up in.

Spencer and Hanna are mostly tangled up in each other this week because Spencer is still leading the charge to recover all the media from A’s cell phone, which means everyone has to keep lying to Hanna so Caleb can do his secret CSI-type magic. Hanna thinks they’re icing her out, which bums her out even more than it normally would — and let’s be honest: being iced out would be worse for Hanna than literally anyone else on earth — because Kate is back in town, riding her pageant horse through the halls of Rosewood High making that ticking noise bombs do. But Spencer is not freezing out Hanna. She feels worse than everyone else about it, worse even than Caleb. Which is the perfect motivator to dig down into her brain parts and figure out how she knows Kate. It’s an amazing subplot because it affords Spencer the opportunity to be insane and menacing in equal measure. Plus also my lifelong dream of seeing Troian Bellisario in a ringer T came true, so if you don’t mind I’m just going to spend the next ten minutes with my head in my hands staring at this photo and sighing dreamily.

Hanna finds out about the duplicitousness when “A” texts to tell her to call off the cyber-dog or else the lasagna money will be the leading story in tomorrow’s Rosewood Gazette. God. The lasagna money. I’d forgotten how much I loved that story. Hanna shouts at Spencer and then comes clean to Caleb more than any Liar has ever come clean to any of their boyfriends/girlfriends. Which makes sense because Caleb’s hobo life has prepared him for this kind of thing in ways Ezra’s MFA and partcipation in The L Word fan forums have not. Caleb jumps to the same conclusion everyone jumps to in the beginning: That JennaBot is “A.” But as soon as he steps foot on the Cavenaugh’s front porch, Officer Garret puts a bullet in his head. He’s very normal and in perfect mental health, that guy.

Spencer tried out a Sherlock Holmes outfit this week. It was a miss. She should have kept that T-shirt on and kept her hair in a messy ponytail forever. But when she wasn’t making my heart boom-boom, she was uncovering the best clue yet: Ali had a thing for Lolita. (Of course.) But she also had a secret identity, Vivian Darkbloom. (Again: Of course.) And Vivian had another secret hiding place where she stashed broken doll parts and sex tapes and who knows what all. Night vision goggles. Gobstoppers. Balls of yarn. Presumably, Spencer will be donning a wig and collecting those knickknacks for further investigation.

In the closing moments, “A” breaks into Peter Hastings’ office and steals a gun from his desk, taking the stakes from eleven to eleventy-million. This show, you guys. This show.

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