A perfect storm is brewing over at Rosewood High where Mona Vanderwaal, Noel Kahn, all four Liars, and Caleb almost collide, each bearing glorious news: After meeting at LegionOfDoom.com, Mona and Noel have forged a permanent unholy alliance, which they will be visiting upon Caleb’s surprise birthday party with all manner of grace and destruction; Caleb recovered a photo of A’s porcelain blackmail dolls; and Emily has the transcript of Lucas making ferret noise for a solid hour on the Crisis Hotline.
Byron, meanwhile, has ridden home in a cloud of his own huffiness — and by God, he’s calling the police! The police! And he’s gonna tell them about Aria and Ezra! Maybe that nice Officer Garrett can do something to help! Ella is like, “The hell you say! We are already living in Dysfunction Junction! The Rosewood Gazette has accused Aria of murder every day for the last two years. At this rate she’ll be lucky to get into junior college. No more scandals, you hear me?” He does hear her. And he (like me!) is equal parts turned on and terrified by Ella’s incandescent rage.
At Crisis Central, Lucas calls to chat some more about the ambiguously horrific thing he’s going to have to do.” CC motions for Spencer and Emily to pick up the phone. She covers the mouthpiece and goes, “It’s that anonymous classmate of yours who keeps making the vague threats. Pick up and see if you can figure out what his damage is.” Spencer and Emily’s eyeballs go, “LUCAS!” And then they rush to tell Hanna that her little Frodo Baggins is actually a Gollum.
Hanna’s like, “You guys, come on. Lucas may have hated Alison with every breath he took, he may have destroyed her shrine with a pick-ax, he may have been the burlap zombie that tortured her that one Halloween when Jenna had eyeballs and everyone was dressed like a burlap zombie. But he did not SHATTER GLASS IN EMILY’S HAIR.” She also points out that everyone, even the Liars themselves, wanted to strangle Alison every time she said a thing, so maybe just ease up on her wittle Hobbit, OK?
Speaking of Precioussssses, JennaBot has hailed herself a limousine and is on her way to some hospital pantry in Boston to procure herself some vision. Toby is sitting on the porch in that rocking chair he carved for Spencer watching her go when Garrett screeches onto the scene to Bella Swan like a goddamn champion. He wails and gnashes his teeth and rips his clothes in twain and dumps ashes on his head and flops around on the ground and beats his fists against the asphalt and kicks his feet like a motorboat and is the grossest. Toby’s like, “Sup?” And Garrett is like, “But she’s the love of my life!” And Toby’s like, “Loving a cylon always ends this way. You want to borrow my Battlestar Galactica DVDs? You can watch them while you wait for Jenna to get home from The Eyeball Factory.”
At the Hastings Lake House, Spencer and Hanna are doing some hijinks in the attic. Spencer is like, “Man, look at all this furniture that belonged to my beloved Nana. How revered she was. How devastated she would be to find a sperm stain on any of it.” Hanna’s all, “Oh Spencer, lol.” And then the food arrives and so does Lucas. He wanders into the attic and asks Spencer if she has any spare rifles or cannons lying around. She says she does not, which is, of course, a lie. Spencer carries napalm in her pocket. But she bounces out of there like her face is on fire.
Byron drags Ella and Aria to that one restaurant in Rosewood and is appalled to find that Ezra is there also. He’s like, “Fine! We will go somewhere else!” And Ella is like, “Um, there is no where else?” Aria and Ezra hold their hands up to the window, palm to palm, like you sometimes see with gorillas and their handlers at the zoo. Ezra breaths his hot breath onto the glass and draws a heart inside it and Aria bursts into tears and Byron is over there digging through the garbage looking for some chicken bones to gnaw on so he doesn’t have to eat in the same establishment as Mr. Fitz.
Because she’s Emily, Emily returns the transcript she stole from the Crisis Hotline. CC is there, of course. The only night CC ever had off was the night a hundred people killed Alison DiLaurentis. Emily’s like, “Here’s that thing I accidentally stole.” And CC is like, “No bigs. Happens all the time when your volunteer staff is comprised solely of criminals on probation.” The phone rings and Emily answers it and it’s Lucas of course, going, “Ambiguity some more!” Emily Spencers about, “Murderer! I KNEW IT!” And off she goes to save the day.
Back out on the streets of Rosewood, Byron has scraped together a sandwich of day-old bread and candy wrappers for Ella when a new love interest for Aria appears, bearing a cute little face and the name of Holden. Thinly veiled literary references being what they are on this show, I fully expect this guy to go full-on Caulfield by sunrise. Byron spots the love interest and, like the Biblical fathers of Genesis, offers to let him sleep with his daughter for the bargain price of zero dollars and misogynistic cents.
Back at the party, Spencer is trying to convince Hanna to look at her Nana’s attic wallpaper and confirm that A’s porcelain dolls of destruction were actually sitting there at one time. Hanna’s like, “Dude. I get it. Caleb and I won’t do it against the wall in the attic. Can I get some space from your psychosis now, please?” Emily finds Lucas in the kitchen, tucking pieces of glass into Caleb’s birthday cake. She’s like, “Hanna loves the whole world, especially Hobbits, don’t kill anyone tonight, OK?”
Somehow Lucas hears her say, “Hanna wants you to row a boat with her into the middle of the Dementor’s mist. Do you think you can do that?” So he stuffs his pockets full of Honeyduke’s Best Chocolate and checks for his wand and takes Hanna right the hell out in the middle of the lake hoping to show her his Patronus of Love. And by “Patronus of Love” I mean “his penis.” The fog and Spencer’s voice in her head and the way Lucas keeps going, “Hanna! Hanna! Hanna! I have got to tell you something terrible!” start to freak Hanna out so she murders Lucas. Just pushes his ass right in the water and wallops him over the head and starts the long, slow swim toward home.
Emily and Spencer, meanwhile, are standing on the bank of the river screaming “EXPECTO PATRONUM!” at the top of their lungs. To no avail. Spencer can’t conjure her Patronus even when she pictures the 187 percent she scored on her last Calculus test and Emily can’t conjure her Patronus because she’s never even had a proper makeout session with any of her super hot girlfriends. Emily, as we know, is terrified of the water, so she runs inside to use her cell phone to call a lifeguard. While she’s away, Hanna huffs up onto the shore. Caleb is like, “This is the worst surprise party ever.” And Mona and Noah are like, “That’s because you didn’t just have skinny dipping sex like we did.” They are naked.
Someone, I don’t know who, goes, “Hey, wasn’t Lucas Hermaphrodite in that boat with you when you pushed off from shore?” And Hanna’s like, “Meh.” Caleb wraps her up in a towel and they all go inside to enjoy some cake and age-appropriate beverages. Out on Dementor Lake, A scoops Lucas’ Hobbit-y shoe out of the water and Lucas sinks to the bottom of the river and dies.
Ready for the best part of the episode? Click ahead!