“Pretty Little Liars” recap (2.15) — Dysfunction Junction, What’s Your Function?


Unfortunately, Caleb doesn’t have time to do much technology voodoo. For one thing, he has to stop every ten minutes to make confused eyes at Hanna’s passive-aggressive eyes. And for another thing, A shuts down the phone during the file transfer. Caleb says words like “encrypted” and “corrupted” and Emily’s like, “Do it anyway or whatever. You’re going to die like everyone else and I’ve got to go wash my hair.”

The next morning, Aria sifts through the various livestock in her closet trying to decide how to best ornament herself. She decides on a tarantula. She strings it around her neck and wanders out into the hallway, where Bryon starts shrieking to high heaven. He’s like, “Nope!” And she’s like, “Since when do you care which poisonous animals I use to adorn myself?” And he’s like, “Since I found out you were keeping company with a velociraptor!” And she’s all, “You’re the one who made me watch Jurrassic Park!” Ella busts up in there, like, “Enough with the metaphors. Aria, you’re not allowed to have anything anymore. No friends, no freedom, no lesbian erotica. By which I mean: No more Ezra.”

Aria’s stomps her foot and says, “I thought you liked him!” And Ella stomps hers right back: “I sure did like him. I liked him a whole lot, Aria — until I found out he was boning my teenage daughter. You know who else people used to like? Stalin. And then he collectivized agriculture and killed ten billion Russians.”

Spencer stops by Toby’s house to tell him she can’t stop by his house. He’s like, “What else can’t we do? Makeout in this truck you bought me?” And she’s like, “Correct, we can’t do that either.” And then they do. Before they can even round first base, Garrett runs up and prostrates himself on the front porch and wails Jenna’s name: “Jenna, baby, let me in! It would have been OK without that third person!” Spencer and Toby’s faces both go, “THIRD PERSON?!” Toby is thinking, “My god, what kind of hellish threesomes have been happening under my very own roof?” And Spencer, like always, is thinking, “Incontrovertible proof that everyone in range of my hearing is A!”

Hanna and Caleb are at school trying to hack the data from A’s mobile phone. Caleb’s humming that T-Pain song about “she’ll be waitin’ on me nekkid, with one of my chains on” when Lucas wanders into the courtyard. Hanna’s like, “Lucas, why are you being sketchy all the way over there when you could come over here and be sketchy right in our faces?” 

Emily is making up a test from one of the times she missed school when she was recovering from being murdered, but she didn’t have really time to study last night because of the GLASS IN HER HAIR. Ella is like, “I’ll let you do a re-re-makeup test if you’ll clue me in on what other perverse activities Aria has been getting up to behind my back.” Emily’s like, “Look, Mrs. Montgomery, me and the other Liars made peace a long time ago with the way Aria strangles chickens with her bare hands and uses them as backpacks. She was a high-functioning sociopath before she strung that tarantula around her neck and she’ll be a high-functioning sociopath when she wears a live cobra as a belt tomorrow. Don’t try to understand her; just love her.”

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