Previously on Pretty Little Liars, A kidnapped Annabeth Gish, ran over Hanna with a car, poisoned Emily with some steroids, murdered Ian in a belfry, dug holes in yards all over Roswood like some kind of terrier, chopped off Jason’s old head and sewed back on a new head, picked up some jewelry down at Knockturn Alley Pawn Shop, bought a rat named Spencer, slaughtered a rat named Spencer, played hide-and-seek in the morgue, clowned on Lesbian Poker Night, destroyed Emily’s chance of poke her night, invited Satan to release his new single at Rosewood High’s charity fashion show, robbed the Hamburger Helper pantry over at the Marin’s place, re-murdered Ian with a horseshoe in a barn, opened an Eyeball Replacement Center on the ground floor of Rosewood Hospital for the Criminally Insane, bought some brown Tory Burch boots, and defended his/her hair from the elements with TRESemmé’s Climate Control line of hair care products.
But that was just a warm up. Wait’ll you get a load of this.
Hanna, Spencer and Aria are all dolled up in their wedding finery, but also they are covered from head to toe in gravedigger dirt. Which is to say they look more awesome than they have ever looked in their whole entire lives. Even that time when Spencer was wearing her Gatsby flapper outfit as re-imagined by aliens from the planet Zoltar. Officer Garrett smarms behind a two-way mirror, and lo! from the slithery depths of the dungeon he calls home, Detective Snape — last seen getting his balls chopped off by Mrs. Hastings on SAT day — rises.
He walks into the interrogation room and goes, “Murder may be an acceptable pastime in the other 49 states in this country, but in Pennsylvania it’s a capital offense! And you’re going down!”
Actually, Detective, Ashley Marin is the one who goes down to get you to drop criminal charges. (ZING!)
12 HOURS EARLIER
The Liars are clomping around on Annabeth Gish’s front porch, banging on windows, rattling the door handle, going through her mail. Spencer’s like, “Well, she didn’t come home last night after being kidnapped, that’s for sure.” They talk about how trusting people usually ends up with one of them — or their therapist — getting murdered. Emily’s phone rings and guess who it is? MAYA! Emily’s like, “Well, we could keep solving mysteries, which, frankly, we’re not so good at. Or, I can go get my cuddle on with my new old girlfriend.”
They opt for the second thing.
While sharing a bedroom with Hanna is truly the greatest thing any of us could ever aspire to, there are just a few drawbacks to the set up. For one thing, it probably takes her an hour and a half to pick out her pajamas. And for another thing, there’s no privacy for making out with your girlfriend. Hanna is quizzing Maya about the ins and outs of Juvie Camp: the singalongs, the mosquitoes, the campfire Bible stories. Hanna’s like, “On the one hand, Bible fashion is gross. I mean, year-round sandal-wearing in the desert without a pedicure in sight? [gagging noise] But on the other hand, I’d love to get my hands on a technicolor dreamcoat. I heard it was red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and violet and fawn and lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve…” Emily finally cuts her off, and Hanna’s like, “Right, I’m going.” But you can just hear, all the way down the hall: “… cream and crimson and silver and rose and azure and lemon and russet and grey and purple and white and pink and orange …”
Maya’s like, “I’ve been away for a long time. We’ve both changed. Rather than jumping back into a relationship and getting married at lunch time, I was thinking maybe we should get to know each other again.” Emily’s like, “That’s not very lesbian of you, but OK.”
Actually, Emily is a superstar in this scene. She speaks about herself in the third person, for starters. Maya goes, “I don’t know this Emily.” And Emily goes, “I think you’ll like her!” And Maya also says she’s the one who should have called Emily, instead of waiting on Emily to call her. And Ems is like, “Right again. But it’s cool. I’ve almost died twenty-seven hundred times this season. I accidentally committed admissions fraud. My parents abandoned me. I was in the presence of Quin on more than one occasion. I’m learning to only sweat the truly horrific stuff.”
Typing of truly horrific stuff, Jason is peeping in on Spencer and Toby with his laser vision. Spencer snatches the curtains closed all, “For one day of my life, I’d like to have a normal conversation about how someone cut the brake fluid line in your truck for the purpose of killing you without Jason staring over here burning a hole through my window.” Toby goes, “Oh, that reminds me, what do you think our babies would look like?” Spencer’s all, “That’s a dumb question. Just do a Punnett Square with our genetic componentry if you really want to know. I’m pretty sure my family’s sociopathic tendencies are a recessive gene, so probably our children will be normal, but our grandchildren will be psychotic. We’ll both be dead by then, though, due to getting murdered, so I’m not really worried about it.”