Previously on Pretty Little Liars, A went after Emily like a rabid dog hopped up on canine blow, Hanna lost a boy but gained a dad, Spencer cracked … everyone’s nuts, and Aria couldn’t find the elusive “just right” balance between Ezbianism and Goldilocks DiLaurentis.
It’s college fair day, and at Rosewood High that means school is elective. Unless, of course, you are Emily Fields, for whom excellence is never optional. While Hanna is at home dreaming of vagrants and the things they do with s’mores, Emily is attending swim practice — where she sits by the pool hoping Paige will try to drown her so she’ll have an excuse to get in the water — and procuring herself some breakfast and unsheathing the Mystery Machine log, from which she is now reading the details of her last bit of sleuthing with Spencer:
10:15 p.m. Spencer’s mom leaves for Out of Town. 10:17 p.m. We leave for Jason’s shed. 10:19 p.m. We’re back at Spencer’s because she realizes she wore her Nancy Drew shoes when she meant to wear her Miss Marple shoes. 10:23 p.m. We break into the shed and see you, Aria, peering at us from every dank corner on account of stalker photos plastered everywhere.
Aria’s like, “Well, I guess kissing Jason is the weirdest thing any of us has done with a stalker so far.” And Emily’s all, “Oh, honey, just wait.”
She and Emily stare at each other and shout “Kissing?” “Kissing!” “Kissing?!” “Kissing!!” for ten minutes, or however long it takes the Denim Bandit to attack Spencer. With half her shirt still in tact, she plops down at the table and goes, “Who’s kissing whom?” And Emily’s like, “Not me. Quinn’s got Samara locked in a steamer trunk.”
Aria and Spencer clomp off in different directions, leaving Emily to her bowl of Alpha-Bits cereal, only A has taken out all of the letters except for A, which is hands-down her best trick so far.
Speaking of best tricks, this is Lucy Hale’s best-acted episode to date. It says so in my notes about ten times, so it must be a fact.
Have you guys noticed how much more Ashley Marin is smiling these days? When she’s not a-hookin’ and a-robbin’, she’s a barrel of grins. Hanna has agreed to be a bridesmaid in her dad’s second wedding, which she’s not so chuffed about on her mom’s behalf, but the f–ks Ashley gives total zero. She gifts Hanna a gift certificate to gift to Emily for a massage, and then smiles and curtsies and twirls and polishes her entire bookcase of MILF trophies before leaving for her “job” at the “bank.”
At school, Aria tries something no Liar has ever tried before: She marches up to Jason and asks a direct question and waits for a direct answer: “What the actual hell with the stalker photos, brah?” Jason’s like, “Spencer broke into my shed? Should’ve known.” And then he explains that he didn’t take those stalky photos; Alison took those stalky photos, and he was just developing the film so he could frame the prints for Aria. As a gift.
OK, and two things: 1) Jason. Do me a favor and never get me a gift. And 2) Remember when I said Alison was a time-traveling ninja-wizard? Well, this proves it, because a film camera? Really?
(Sometimes, when I really want to scare the s–t out of myself, I imagine that Jason is really Alison after gender realignment surgery or something. Like maybe Alison killed Jason and then took over his body and now she’s pulling some kind of Tom Sawyer s–t in the most psychotic way possible. It explains the face-change operation.)