After Emily defers to Spencer’s ball-crushing interrogation techniques, Spencer tracks down officer Garrett to see if he’s heard from Logan Reed. He has not. Because he gave him a hundred bajillion dollars to skip town. And also he doesn’t care because Ian’s buried, the incest videos are gone, and now he’s free to enjoy the musical stylings of JennaBot and Her Magical Flute of Doom any time he wants.
Ashley and Ella are enjoying some iced tea/alone time because Ashley, like Ella, has started to think it strange that their daughters keep getting murdered and thrown into jail for identifying their murderers. Also, they want to introduce this new plot into the show: “Mr. Hastings is an ass!” “Mr. Hastings in an ass?” “Yes, a rich ass!” “A rich ass, you say?” “So rich, and such an ass!”
And they’re right! Over on the Hastings back 40, Toby digs up an old field hockey stick, and Mr. Hastings pops out of the bushes, snatches it from his hands, and runs away, laughing maniacally. Toby’s like, “And Spencer thought I was in danger working for Jason. This town.”
He tells Spencer about the hockey stick, causing her flashback to the time she gave it to Ali, and then Ali and Jason took turns beating each other to death with it. She calls Aria to remind her about it, and Aria’s like, “Interesting, but I don’t have time to talk. I’ve got go stare at Jason staring at Ezra. Jason thinks, with the right training, I might have a shot at glowering in the Olympics! He’s starting a team at school, you know.”
Eternal sleepover. Emily is off to study at the library. This conversation deserves it’s own blockquote.
Hanna: Ems, you don’t have to go to the library; it won’t bother me if you study here.
Emily: With all due respect, studying here is like studying at the mall.
Hanna: I study at the mall all the time!
Emily: Yeah, well, I’m different.
Hanna: [whispering] Is this a … gay thing?
Emily: No, it’s a brain thing.
Also, it’s a gay thing.
Caleb bounces in as Emily bounces out. He’s sorry for being a wanker earlier when Hanna offered him the fruits of her money tree, but when he realizes her parents are gone, he propositions her for a whole other kind of fruits. But Hanna’s been living with Emily for two days now and her lesbianism is contagious. Hanna wants to go upstairs and talk about Caleb’s feelings, which are: “I used to work for the mob or something and then I escaped their evil clutches, so look for that to come back and bite me in the ass in future episodes. Last time I told you a secret, you boned me in the park. Is that a thing that’s going to happen now, too?”
At the Montgomery’s dinner party, Ezra is charming everyone with stories about cycling in Europe. European backpacking stories are my kryptonite. As soon as I hear someone telling one, I’m like, “You could keep telling that story. Or we can go somewhere and makeout.” But then Jason gets his Life Ruin on, going, “Yeah, bro. I ride my bike too. Sometimes on the moon. It’s the only thing that helps me forget — well, you know.” That’s so gross. Before the party really gets rolling, Rosewood PD shows up to drop a bomb about Mike being arrested for breaking and entering. Reverse glare! Ezra stares meaningfully at Aria who stares meaningfully at Jason.
Ella and Byron pick up Mike at the station, and he is full of remorse. Just kidding, he’s acting like a twat, per usual. Byron shouts at him and then Ella shouts at Byron for shouting at him. Mike didn’t kill anybody, but boy, he’s the most infuriating guy on this show. Angry at your parents for splitting up? Do more things to MAKE THEM SPLIT UP.
Aria’s doing dishes while Ezra and Jason measure their d–ks in front of the fireplace. They could both use a lesson in house guestery from Emily. Aria storms up to Mike’s room and finds All The Stolen Things, including JennaBot’s sunshine pottery from College Class! Back downstairs, she tosses out Ezra and Jason. Ezra, awesomely, goes, “Wait, you want both of us to leave?!” And once they’re out on the porch he dilly-dallys for like 20 minutes. Ezbian is going to write some motherf–king haikus tonight, you just watch.
When Mike gets home, Aria says the greatest thing she’s ever said: “YOU STOLE FROM A BLIND GIRL?!” Like her one best friend didn’t BLIND A BLIND GIRL, and her other best friend didn’t PUNCH A BLIND GIRL IN THE HEAD. Mike’s got a mental inventory of everything he’s ever stolen, and he knows the pottery came from Garrett’s house. Here’s the reveal: “I broke into a COP’S house to try to STEAL a GUN, but there was no GUN in the cop’s house, so I took this candle-holder instead of a GUN.” Aria’s like, “Wait, this vase wasn’t at JennaBot’s house?” And Mike’s like, “No. I stole it INSTEAD OF A F–KING SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPON, OK?!” And Aria’s all, “OK, cool. The pottery is really all I’m interested in. See you when you murder me and Mom and Dad in our sleep.”
Ashley Marin is druuuuunk. Emily and Hanna are talking about how great it is to be roomies when Ashley stumbles in with Hanna’s dad and then drags him up to her room for some shagging. That’s not going to backfire on anyone.
Mr. Hastings is drinking Scotch and swearing under his breath about murder weapons. Spencer catches him trying to burn Ali’s hockey stick, and she’s all, “Uh, dude!” And he’s all, “Oh, sorry, did you want to put some rat’s blood on this before I stick it in the fireplace, or … ?” And then he tosses it onto the logs.
Spencer goes to meet with Officer Garrett to give him some more evidence to use against them, and just as she’s about to tell him who she thinks really murdered Ian, Aria texts an SOS about how Garrett is just another dude in this town they can’t trust. Trapped in the car in the dark with a pedophile? Welcome to every night of Spencer’s life.
The Risen Mitten has gotten her hands on some poison. While a pop-jazz version of Sinatra’s “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” plays cleverly in the background, the Risen Mitten injects the poison into — WHOA. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. Is that Emily’s shoulder cream?! Is “A” POISONING EMILY? Oh, too far, Risen Mitten. Too far. The LesbianNation will see you burn in the Hastings fireplace for this!