“Pretty Little Liars” recap 2.07: Like Taking Candy From a Blind Girl


Man, these girls have all kinds of time before class. When I was a teenager, I was lucky to make it to school before lunch. Aria has worked her way on over to Hollis College to give Ezra a copy of her new favorite book, One Million Feelings and the Feelers Who Feel Them. (Chapter 4: Inscrutable Indignation — If you are an underage girl whose grown-ass boyfriend won’t make out with you in front of your whole town on top of the coffin of the dead guy who murdered your best friend, maybe it’s time to start dating a drug-addled accomplice to the guy in the casket.”)

Aria wants Ezra to bail on dinner because the thought of sitting at the table if he refuses to make a scene over how they’re involved in a dubious, career-ruining — perhaps even illegal — relationship, is too much for her to bear. Ezra’s like, “Let’s just ease your parents into the sight of us together, and then if you want to get up to some hanky-panky on Ian’s grave, we’ll go to the cemetery.” Aria thinks that sounds reasonable.

At school, Emily is quizzing Hanna on all the things her mom loves so she can be sure to exhaust herself in the pursuit of house guest perfection. Hanna’s like, “Um, French toast, coffee, being a MILF, robbing banks.” She tells Emily to relax, though, because she’s not a guest, and Emily’s like, “THIS IS ME RELAXED!” The Lord, Emily. Spencer, take back over the Scooby gang before Emily goes for-real nutso-bananas, will you? Subtext viewers will note that Hanna double entendres, all: “We’ll have to work on [helping you relax].”

Caleb is in fight, obviously, with someone who stiffed him on a black market job. (So many kids in Juvie Camp around here, so few magic hackers.) Hanna offers to loan him some cash — “Whatever Jason buried in our backyard is fertilizing the s–t out of our money tree” — but Caleb refuses her help, while some faceless person in an unmarked car watches them from the parking lot.

God, Mike is the worst. He’s got an actual rearview mirror on his desk, which he’s using for full metaphoric effect to look at his parents. Particularly Byron, who finally — rightly! — loses his cool and tells Mike to stop breaking and entering for like five d–n seconds and come to their dinner party. “You need protein if you’re going to build up enough muscle to really make good use of a crowbar, Son.”

Toby is clearing out the Hastings’ back lot when Spencer wanders out and causes my brain to explode in a shower of hearts. She puts on this Scarlett O’Hara accent and literally says, “I figure I can set up a chair and fan myself while I watch you work. Or, I can make you a grilled cheese sandwich.” I’d like to set up a chair and listen to Spencer say saaaaaaandwich. I could do it all day. I could do it for as long as we both shall live. Frikkin Mr. Hastings stomps up in there, though, to c–k-block me make sure Toby hasn’t unearthed any bones or anything. He hasn’t, but he has created some professional-caliber plans for the murder barn. Blah, blah, blah everyone’s impressed. Go away, Spencer’s dad! You’re harshing mine and Toby’s sandwich buzz!

Guess who’s at Rosewood High, probably looking to start a Competitive Glowering Team? FloppyHair McMurderPants. Ella invites him to dinner, and Aria’s like, “My God, woman! My eyebrows can’t take much more of this!” Also, for the first time practically ever, one of the Liars’ parents has noticed how weird it is that the four of them get killed every week. Ella’s like, “If someone is terrorizing you, you can tell me.” Aria’s like, “No, Mom. Kids just get blackmailed, blacklisted and hit by cars sometimes. It’s life.”

Hey, Hanna finally got a bedroom! Hi, Hanna’s bedroom! (This is a cool video by PLL production designer Rachel Kamerman. It goes inside all the girls’ rooms and stuff. It’s neat if you’re into that sort of thing.) Emily is trying to do her homework while Hanna bounces around on her bed, just crooning to her iPod and flipping through about a dozen fashion magazines. Emily calls her name twice and then pummels her with a teddy bear. Hanna mostly wants to know how her singing was, and Emily’s like, “Loud! When I was living with my mom, the only noise I ever heard was her brewing potions to kill my girlfriends!” And also, her shoulder is still hurting.

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