I’ve heard it said a time or two on these wide Internets that the Pretty Little Liars recapper from AfterEllen.com has some kind of nerve calling Ezra Fitz a lesbian. He is a man, for A’s sake! Didn’t Heather Hogan see his perfectly sculpted man-abs and man-pecs that one time he was walking around his apartment naked in the middle of the day for no raisin? I mean, what would Ian Harding say if he knew that bitch from AE was calling Mr. Fitz a lesbian?
Hmm, what would Ian Harding say?
Ezbian haters to the left, please.
So, the Liars are pretending to enjoy a film at the Rosewood Cineplex, but are, in actual fact, rehashing the plot of last week’s episode, as is their wont at the beginning of each new episode. Spencer reads the minutes from their most recent secret meeting — “and then we spent 30 minutes talking about how we can’t have any more secret meetings and scheduling a time to have our next secret meeting” — and everyone agrees that Jason DiLaurentis has put them in quite a pickle by murdering Maya’s entire family so Ian can take over the guest bedroom. Emily is fascinated by the moving pictures on the giant screen. She’s been to this theater about a hundred times, but she’s never actually watched a movie in it before. Spencer notices a creepster in a hoodie, creeping on them in the back of the theater. He tries to murder them, of course, but Spencer wakes up and realizes it was just a nightmare.
Now, I don’t know if you noticed it or not, but right before Spencer wakes up, she quotes Skins’ Naomi Campbell verbatim: “Emily, I’ve had [about] three conversations with [him] our entire lives.” Which means Spencer’s subconscious was playing Naomily in her dreams which means Marlene King is mining my own personal fantasies for her stories which means it’s the greatest day of my life. You know how A isn’t just a clever spy? She’s also skilled at Legilimency and at Inception-ing people’s headspaces? Well, I think Marlene King has the same superpower. May the Force be with her for all eternity. (So say we all.)
Melissa has lost her wedding ring; she picks up Spencer and throws her against the wall so she can check the couch cushions for her missing diamond. Spencer is still legitimately confused about why Melissa keeps leaving the room to use her phone. I accused her missing husband of murdering/statutory raping my dead friend and attempting to murder/statutory rape me, and also I cannot go 60 full seconds without talking about how dead he is. Why does she need space away from me?
Guess who’s back in Rosewood? Tom Marin. And boy is he a hoot. And I mean, he must be. He must be the funniest, richest man on earth because there is no way Ashley Marin married him otherwise. She is so far out of his league it’s like he’s pitching junior varsity and she’s batting in the Olympics. Tom’s like, “Can I give you a ride to school, Hanna Bear?” And Hanna’s like, “Can I shove that coffee cup up your ass, Dad?”
When he leaves, Ashley drops a hard truth on her: A person who breaks your heart isn’t necessarily going to perpetually break your heart. Cynicism isn’t wisdom. Which: True, but when Hanna lets him in and he f–ks her over again, she is going to go on a month-long alcohol bender/food binge, at the end of which she will shoplift a flamethrower and burn down the entire east coast. So, you know, learn your audience, Ashley.
Emily is washing her hands in the girls loo, but really she is just waiting for the other Liars who are hiding out in the stalls. The way they burst forth at the same time is amazing. I don’t say it enough, but this show is a visual masterpiece.
Today’s agenda: 1) Emily’s mother is going to move her to Texas in about three days if Danby University doesn’t officially offer Emily a full-ride after watching her swim one time. 2) Aria is starting a new class at the local college so she can hold hands with Ezra in the open air while simultaneously keeping one eye on Jackie Molina like some kind of Mad-Eye Moody. 3) Hanna has taken to thieving again out of sheer boredom. She wants the Liars to hang out with her after school, maybe do a little sleuthing, but the only reason they can think of to hang out is to talk about how they can’t hang out. Aria’s like, “I thought you and Mona were going shopping.” And Hanna’s like, “Yeah, but lately all she wants to do is spend like three hours in a tiny Victora’s Secret fitting room while I model everything in the store for her.”
Toby has returned to Rosewood High again to talk some more about how he will not be returning to Rosewood High. He tells Spencer that he has decided to really freak out the town by taking a job at that house where he was accused of murdering that girl that one time. Spencer is all, “You know I don’t trust Jason because of his whole drug abusing/sister murdering/zombie aiding and abetting thing.” And Toby’s all, “Right, but I need the money so I don’t have to keep bonking my SisterBot and Jason needs some help to turn his house into an impenetrable fort. I’ll only do it until I have enough cash to buy this gorgeous, old pickup truck.”