Archive

“Pretty Little Liars” recap 2.02: Monster Town

Last night I was sitting on my heels in front of my giant flat-screen TV, gnawing my fingernails and giggling manically and I think at one point I legitimately reached up to pet Toby’s face and my roommate goes, “It’s no wonder you can’t keep a girlfriend; you use all your real feelings on Pretty Little Liars.” Which: Valid, and probably something I should talk to Annabeth Gish about, but whatever. This show is magical. It’s all I want to watch and it’s all I want to talk about. Last weekend my dad was mocking me about it and I was like, “Pardon me for not valuing the opinion of someone who thinks Two and a Half Men is high art. Asshole.” It was Father’s Day.

Previously on Pretty Little Liars Ian made a bunch of Horcruxes out of snow globes and lunch boxes and dead girls’ bodies. He’ll remain a whisper of an echo of a shadow of his full-bodied self until he can reunite with his faithful servant, Jason Wormtail DiLaurentis, digger of front yard holes and have-er of a brand new face. Seriously, you guys, Jason got a head transplant in the off-season.

But hang on.

The Liars are still Hufflepuffing around that random greenhouse having a proper melt down about the revelation that Ian is alive. Hanna suggests that everything – the imminent return of the Dark Lord, the incessant blackmail and burgling of A, the way their parents won’t let them be friends anymore – will be OK if they just “play it cool.” Because “playing it cool” has worked out so well for them thus far. And, additionally, like “playing it cool” is even a phrase that registers in Spencer’s vocabulary. Spencer is the exact opposite of “playing it cool.”Spencer is full-on “playing it nuclear” every moment of every day of her whole entire Spencer life.

On the way back home in the middle of the night, the Liars happen upon Jason, who has moved back into the old DiLaurentis place, which presumably means that Maya’s family has moved out. Or, hell, maybe he killed them. I don’t know. It’s entirely possible that they’re buried under the gazebo with every other tenant who tried to live there. There are some rotting teddy bears and things lying around the yard and Emily remembers them as trinkets people left outside the house after Alison’s death. I’m still having a hard time believing there were actually people in Rosewood who mourned for Alison, but you don’t question a lesbian’s ability to remember sentimental stuffed animals.

The Liars’ parents are out in full-force again the next morning. Emily’s mom is like, “Leave your phone on the table when you come home from school so we can pretend like we’re pioneers. And while we’re pretending to live in the past, maybe you can pretend to like boys again!”Ashley announces to Hanna that her dad is coming back to town to be a dad for like a second. Spencer’s parents, however, are nowhere to be seen because Spencer’s parents only show up to reassure Melissa that they love her best and to c–k-block Toby every time he tries to shimmy in a window or climb down the chimney. Melissa shows Spencer the sonogram of Taylor.

Spencer goes, “Aww, cute. Hey, want me to stay home and answer your phone today, reply to any texts or anything?” Melissa’s face and Melissa’s mouth tell Spencer to f–k off, per usual.

At Rosewood High, Mr. Fitz explains about how the next day will be his last day as a high school teacher, and so if anyone has anything to say to him, anything at all, just even the tiniest little thing or the most enormous love confession, they should do it within the confines of the school walls at some point in the next 24 hours, because once he leaves Rosewood High, he will be gone forever. Aria is understandably confused by the concept of “gone forever” because two dead people are phoning or texting her or her friends every other minute, so she just kind of rolls her eyes. After class, Ezra lezzes out all over Aria about, “It has been two full days since we have read our journals out loud to each other, and, frankly, I’m starting to think that you don’t want to process every single one of your feelings with me anymore. Am I hurt? Yes. Have I composed a dozen haikus about my emotional turmoil? You bet your collection of pterodactyl claw necklaces I have.”

How is he so hot even when he’s so desperate? I don’t understand it. And, I mean, every dude on this show is wildly attractive, but it doesn’t matter who they introduce to the cast, Ezra is still infinitely better than all of them combined. Better hair, better clothes, better way he moves his mouth. This is so weird, but I’m looking at him right now acting like every clingy girl I have ever broken up with and all I can think is: I bet he even smells delicious. 

Mona Vanderwall, it has been at least six hours since you tried to axe-murder and/or get into the pants of a Liar. Am I to understand that you are going to rectify that situation with Aria? Mona: “Sup, Big A? You’re looking sexy. Oh, hey, has Hanna mentioned that we’re kind of broken up? I mean, it’s fine. It’s not like I’m losing sleep over it, pacing around my bedroom, howling at the moon, sniffing the T-shirt I stole from her lingerie drawer when I broke into her bedroom last night to watch her sleep. There hasn’t been a single time today when I have closed my eyes in class and imagined the feel of her soft lips on my – Er, I mean, I was hoping you could choose a going away present for Mr. Fitz since you know him so well from that one time you directed the school play with him and all the other times you made out with him in the bathrooms of various local pubs.”

Aria’s like, “Yeah, no worries, I heard he needs a new journal.”

The Liars huddle together in the cafeteria and rehash the plot of the season premiere. Then they spread out to sit amongst the common folk. Mona hopefully pats the seat beside her, but Hanna just hisses and sits down next to a sexually active band geek. “A” texts to tell them how lonely/pathetic they look, and it’s taking everything Spencer’s got not to just stand up and kick the next person she sees right in the babymaker. Luckily, the next person she sees is Toby, and he’s been kicked in the babymaker so many times by JennaBot it probably feels like being tickled.

He comes to school to tell Spencer he’s not coming to school. He got a job building houses ’cause if the whole town thinks you’re a child murderer, the best thing to do is walk around wearing a T-shirt with a picture of a saw blade on it.

Swim meet! Emily swims and Emily wins, of course, and comes up out of water wielding a kitchen knife in case there’s anyone around with designs on drowning her. Samara is there to watch and – hang on a second, I need to look up the actor who plays Samara to see how old she is. Shut the front door! Claire Holt is Australian? And she’s starring in the movie adaptation of one of my all-time favorite books, Blue Like Jazz? She’s 23, I think, which is kind of young for me, but perfectly fine for probably most of you. Hey, you know who else is Australian? JennaBot. G’day! What am I talking about?

So, Samara fawns all over Emily and asks her out on a date. Emily reminds Samara that she’s moving to Texas and literally goes, “I don’t want to start something I can’t finish.” Which is a legit concern and also a little shiver-sexy. Legit because: Girlfriend 1: Unfinished business due to homicide. Girlfriend 2: Unfinished business due to drug prison. Girlfriend 3: Unfinished business due to severe bangs. Or jealousy? Or closeted-ness? Or, I actually don’t remember why Paige and Emily broke up. Oh, yeah, unfinished business due to Samara’s homemade earrings. (How many homework assignments do you think Aria Montgomery has turned in late with just the excuse “earrings”? A thousand, probably.) Shiver-sexy because: Ems has necked in the library, footsied in her bedroom, and held hands on a picnic blanket. She’s ready to actually finish some damn business.

Samara wants to know if she’s misreading the situation. Emily assures her that she is not, but that Texas is imminent. Enter: The swim coach from Danby University, who breaks about two dozen NCAA recruiting violations and tells Emily that PA is much better than TX in terms of swimmability. So, Emily’s like, “Samara, yes to the date. Swimming Scout, you are no Coachprah, but you may be my ticket to getting my business finished. I’ll call you.”

Spencer is baking some cookies for Jason, and Melissa gets standard cryptic about how “You can’t trust Jason.” Spencer’s like, “No s–t? Well, I can count the people I trust on one hand: The Lesbian, The Fashonista, The Eyes and Boo Radley. So, if you don’t mind, pass me the chocolate chips or go cry in the barn about your super dead husband.” Actually, Spencer is really sweet in this episode. Too sweet. When she takes those cookies to Jason, he throws something at a stray dog, and she doesn’t even do anything about it. If I see a person get aggressive with a puppy, you’re gonna see a person getting punched in the d–k. I have a zero benevolence dog abuse policy. I was ready to give your new face a chance, Jason, but now I hope you go blind in a firecracker attack.

Spencer flashes back to a fight Alison had with Jason. She knew his secrets too, and boy, he didn’t like it. Flashback Ali goes, “When I hide something, it stays hidden – until the exact moment when unleashing it will cause a double-digit body count.”

Have we ever talked about how Ashley Benson used to be on Days of Our Lives? She played Abby Deveraux. Her uncle was Dr. Mike Horton and Dr. Mike Horton was played by Roark Critchlow and now Roark Critchlow plays her dad on Pretty Little Liars. Actually, Roark Critchlow played the head transplanted version of Dr. Mike Horton, so maybe that’s why Hanna didn’t freak when she saw New Jason. Or maybe it’s just her new “playing it cool” swerve. Either way, I started watching Days when I was two years old and I can say without reservation that Ashley Marin is about fifty-eleven levels out of Dr. Mike Horton’s league. He doesn’t deserve to pour her a glass of wine or make her a martini. When’s the last time you knocked over a bank all by yourself, fella? Never, that’s when.

Last time Hanna’s dad was in town, he brought his new fiance and new almost-step-daughter with him, remember? So, like, Ashley and Hanna were eating cold beans out of cans in the dark, and he was weaving a yarn about how he just bought his new daughter a yacht and a helicopter. Hanna hasn’t forgotten. She awesomely says the thing every teenage girl in her position wishes she had the balls to say: “You abandoned us, which means: a) You are no longer a part of my life, which means b) you have exactly zero say about my therapy or my friends or the color of my nail polish, which means c) get the f–k out of our house.” You think Hanna’s having a teenage fit? Hanna’s not having a teenage fit. She’s protecting herself and her mom and the family they’ve built by themselves. Hanna is the baddest ass motherf–ker on this show. One time she punched a blind girl in the face. 

Emily explains to Pam that there’s no water in Texas and therefore she cannot move to Texas and keep the promised scholarship from Danby. Pam’s like, “Get it in writing.” So, I guess Emily’s going to be forging that letter next week. Oh, also: Their camp stove is missing. We’re supposed to think it’s Ian – Spencer sure does – but it’s gotta be Caleb. A hobo has to eat, too, you know.

OK, so, I’m not making this up: Last night’s PLL pretty much turned into a Choose Your Own Lesbian Adventure halfway through the episode. You’ve got Samara and Emily at the movie theater on a first date, Hanna and Mona at that one Rosewood cafe on probably their hundredth date, and Aria and Ezra sitting at home writing in their diaries about how they used to date and probably composing songs on their his/her mandolins about those brown paper bag faces.

Let’s do Emily and Samara first. Emily says she feels like she can breathe again now that she might get to stay in Rosewood, and then she thinks about how last time she was in this movie theater she was with Maya and breathing was the very last thing on her mind. Samara says just the gayest thing you’ve ever heard: “What’s wrong? You went somewhere just now. What is it?” My internal intuition meter is indicating a slight shift in your emotional complexion. Even though you are making the exact same face as you were making two milliseconds ago, I sense silent turmoil in your heart. Samara says everyone has a Maya, and that dating a lesbian means dating the ghosts of every lesbian that lesbian has ever been with. Unfortunately, the ghost of Emily’s first girlfriend is an actual thing. Like, she can even use the phone, drive a car, buy boxes and boxes of black leather gloves at Costco.

Emily asks about Samara’s ghosts: “What kind of competition would I be looking at?” Um, none. None competition. Have you met yourself, Emily?

Over at Cafe Roswood, Mona is crying into her soup when Hanna wanders in, looking friendless and forlorn. Mona yammers on about how much she loves Hanna and how much she wants to protect her. Hanna tells her to be careful about dating the creepster, Noel Kahn, and Mona literally goes, “You want me to be careful? Like that would make a difference to you?” And then: “No one’s ever forgiven me before; it feels all spiritual or something.” I swear to God, I thought she was about to go Willow and Tara up in there: “There’s so much to work through. Can we just skip it? Can you just be kissing me now?”

And I’ll be honest: Imma ship it.

Aria is waiting in Ezra’s apartment. And waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. And he’s texting about, “Please stay. I’m meeting with the head of the department.” And Aria’s just – I don’t understand what her problem is, if you want to know the truth. She leaves a note on his typewriter about “Sorry we couldn’t make it work because you had a girlfriend before me and also because you care about your career.”

Toby and Spencer – who is, by the way, the Master of Time, according to Aria. I mean, obviously we knew she could time travel, but it’s nice to have canonical confirmation of it – are sitting above Rosewood on a cliff or something and talking about how the whole town is full of monsters. Toby lost his job today. Spencer tells him about Ian being a zombie and wonders if she should go to the cops. Toby’s like, “Every time either of us glance in the direction of an officer of the law, we go to jail, so probably not.” These two, man. They’re like if Romeo and Juliet were vigilante superheroes. Batman Montague and Robin Capulet.

Aria drops by to visit Spencer, but she gets pummeled by some kind of masked intruder in the kitchen. Spencer rushes to her aide, kisses her wounds and feeds her Scooby snacks and promises to avenge that bruise on her noggin.

At school the next day, Mr. Fitz delivers a farewell speech to his whole class, and this is it in its entirety: When I came here, I didn’t expect to fall in love with you, literature class, but I did. You were only meant to be my students, but every morning you are the first thing I think of and every night I close my eyes and imagine you’re lying in bed next to me. All of you. This whole class, in my bed. When I came to this school, I thought I knew what I wanted: Not to go to jail for making out with underage girls and maybe to do a little modeling on the side. But you changed all that, class, with your gorgeous eyes and your spaceman outfits. I love you. And even though I am leaving, I will never, ever forget the eight solid months we spent studying To Kill a Mockingbird. You will, of course, bomb your SATs, thanks to me, but the important thing is, we learned about the theme of redemption, and I hope, under my tutelage, all of us can say we got a little gayer. If anyone has anything to say to me, remember: You only have five minutes left to do it. It doesn’t matter that I live exactly 500 meters from all of you, or that I will be teaching one block away at the community college. Once I leave here, I have left here. 

There’s an awkward smattering of applause, and the Liars are all whipping their heads around to look at Aria. Aria goes to sit in the cafeteria alone and think her thinky thoughts. A whole night may pass, I’m not sure. I think the sun sets and then it comes up again? Maybe it’s like that time Joshua asked God to stop the sun so the Israelite army could slay all those Amorite guys in broad daylight. Like maybe God is an Ezria shipper, so he kept the sun standing still until Aria had time to come to her senses. Anyway, she decides it’s OK that Ezra had another girlfriend once, and she runs through the halls in slow motion and out into the parking lot and leaps into Ezra’s arms and they snog each other’s faces off right there in plain view of the whole wide world.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if next week’s episode picks up right where this one left off, and like they’re just kissing and kissing and the sun is shining and shining and them someone clears his throat – “Hem, hem” – and it’s JennaBot’s boyfriend, Garrett the Cop, and he’s just standing there holding his handcuffs?

The Risen Mitten is sitting in that hole Jason dug in his yard. I’m not clear about that hole, really. Is Jason looking for something Alison buried or is he building some kind of concrete barrier around his property or is he just moving the bodies of Maya’s family? The Risen Mitten is petting the puppy, really gently. And so now I am on the Risen Mitten’s team.

Actually, let’s be honest: I was always on the Risen Mitten’s team.

And now for my own personal favorite part of Pretty Little Liars: Your #BooRadleyVanCullen Tweets!

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button