Last night I was sitting on my heels in front of my giant flat-screen TV, gnawing my fingernails and giggling manically and I think at one point I legitimately reached up to pet Toby’s face and my roommate goes, “It’s no wonder you can’t keep a girlfriend; you use all your real feelings on Pretty Little Liars.” Which: Valid, and probably something I should talk to Annabeth Gish about, but whatever. This show is magical. It’s all I want to watch and it’s all I want to talk about. Last weekend my dad was mocking me about it and I was like, “Pardon me for not valuing the opinion of someone who thinks Two and a Half Men is high art. Asshole.” It was Father’s Day.
Previously on Pretty Little Liars Ian made a bunch of Horcruxes out of snow globes and lunch boxes and dead girls’ bodies. He’ll remain a whisper of an echo of a shadow of his full-bodied self until he can reunite with his faithful servant, Jason Wormtail DiLaurentis, digger of front yard holes and have-er of a brand new face. Seriously, you guys, Jason got a head transplant in the off-season.
But hang on.
The Liars are still Hufflepuffing around that random greenhouse having a proper melt down about the revelation that Ian is alive. Hanna suggests that everything — the imminent return of the Dark Lord, the incessant blackmail and burgling of A, the way their parents won’t let them be friends anymore — will be OK if they just “play it cool.” Because “playing it cool” has worked out so well for them thus far. And, additionally, like “playing it cool” is even a phrase that registers in Spencer’s vocabulary. Spencer is the exact opposite of “playing it cool.”Spencer is full-on “playing it nuclear” every moment of every day of her whole entire Spencer life.
On the way back home in the middle of the night, the Liars happen upon Jason, who has moved back into the old DiLaurentis place, which presumably means that Maya’s family has moved out. Or, hell, maybe he killed them. I don’t know. It’s entirely possible that they’re buried under the gazebo with every other tenant who tried to live there. There are some rotting teddy bears and things lying around the yard and Emily remembers them as trinkets people left outside the house after Alison’s death. I’m still having a hard time believing there were actually people in Rosewood who mourned for Alison, but you don’t question a lesbian’s ability to remember sentimental stuffed animals.
The Liars’ parents are out in full-force again the next morning. Emily’s mom is like, “Leave your phone on the table when you come home from school so we can pretend like we’re pioneers. And while we’re pretending to live in the past, maybe you can pretend to like boys again!”Ashley announces to Hanna that her dad is coming back to town to be a dad for like a second. Spencer’s parents, however, are nowhere to be seen because Spencer’s parents only show up to reassure Melissa that they love her best and to c–k-block Toby every time he tries to shimmy in a window or climb down the chimney. Melissa shows Spencer the sonogram of Taylor.
Spencer goes, “Aww, cute. Hey, want me to stay home and answer your phone today, reply to any texts or anything?” Melissa’s face and Melissa’s mouth tell Spencer to f–k off, per usual.
At Rosewood High, Mr. Fitz explains about how the next day will be his last day as a high school teacher, and so if anyone has anything to say to him, anything at all, just even the tiniest little thing or the most enormous love confession, they should do it within the confines of the school walls at some point in the next 24 hours, because once he leaves Rosewood High, he will be gone forever. Aria is understandably confused by the concept of “gone forever” because two dead people are phoning or texting her or her friends every other minute, so she just kind of rolls her eyes. After class, Ezra lezzes out all over Aria about, “It has been two full days since we have read our journals out loud to each other, and, frankly, I’m starting to think that you don’t want to process every single one of your feelings with me anymore. Am I hurt? Yes. Have I composed a dozen haikus about my emotional turmoil? You bet your collection of pterodactyl claw necklaces I have.”
How is he so hot even when he’s so desperate? I don’t understand it. And, I mean, every dude on this show is wildly attractive, but it doesn’t matter who they introduce to the cast, Ezra is still infinitely better than all of them combined. Better hair, better clothes, better way he moves his mouth. This is so weird, but I’m looking at him right now acting like every clingy girl I have ever broken up with and all I can think is: I bet he even smells delicious.