“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.22): Oh my God, Spencer, you can’t just ask people why they’re murderers

 
 

Every time I figure something out — anything at all, like what to eat for breakfast or which clocks in my house have actually made the leap to Daylight Savings Time — I say out loud, “All right. OK.” I don’t know why. It’s weird. But I also say it whenever I finish writing something, and so when I say it in my office, my dogs understand it to mean I’m taking a break for a short adventure. (A quick walk, a trip to the dog park, retrieving treats from the pantry.) For the last six hours I’ve been trying to draw a timeline of Alison DiLaurentis’ last day on earth, and I keep thinking I’ve got it right — “All right. OK.” — but then I realize I left something off, like her sixth blackmail. Anyway, my dogs are nearing manic levels of confusion because I’m in my office and I’ve said “All right. OK.” about 300 times already this morning, but still I haven’t moved from this chair.

What I mean is: Does anyone know what the hell happened on the Pretty Little Liars finale?

I will tell you this, and I’m not trying to brag, but my roommate and I each made a list of three things we wanted to see on last night’s finale, and my list was: Spencer and JennaBot locked in hand-to-hand combat, Spencer killing Ian with her bare hands, Alison revealing that she is a time traveling ninja from the future. Which: Nailed it! Let’s talk about the comprehensible things first, and then we’ll get to my accurate predictions.

I think it is the day after the Founders Day Festival of Doom, and the PLLs are crowded around a laptop watching Ian’s home video collection. There’s footage of them from all the way back when they were actual kids, and footage of Jenna molesting Toby, too, and it’s really one of the grossest things ever, so when Emily says, “This kind of makes me want to vomit,” I’m with her all the way. They’ve already learned their lesson about how they can’t trust the police, so they decide to finally confront JennaBot to find out what she knows/wants. Besides themselves and A and Ian, JennaBot is the only other person who knows the videos exist, right? (Spoiler alert: Wrong!)

This week’s ships shake down like this: Emily and Samara have taken their relationship to the emailing level, about which Emily is positively giddy. It’s short-lived, though, because Pam comes a calling to let her know they’re moving away from this hotbed of teenage lesbian activity so they can be closer to Emily’s dad in Texas, just in case Army has a half day and he can spend some time with his family. Toby and Spencer cuddle in front of an open window and stare at the lawn like the elderly couple they are. She explains her Master Plan to him, but tells him to keep The Jenna Thing occupied while she makes the magic happen.

Hanna broods over Caleb to the point where Lucas decides to drive to Arizona and then back to Pennsylvania to fetch him. Mona approves of Caleb in exactly zero ways because she is either gay for Hanna, or she wants to make a skin suit out of Hanna and wear it on top of her Mona suit. Aria and Ezra can apparently date openly now because he’s taken a job at a college, and the ethical dilemma with their relationship isn’t that she is a sixteen year old, but that he grades her term papers. Aria is 11 kinds of excited because now they won’t have to wear those paper sacks on their heads any more. And then that girl from Ezra’s website page shows up at her front door because she teaches at the college too, and so now she and Mr. Fitz are going to be co-workers, which means a gelato sharing scenario just got a lot more plausible.

OK, so. The PLLs trap JennaBot in the music room because they’re too inexperienced with Cylons to know that “woodwinds” means nothing more than “shrapnel” to her. Spencer never operates at any level lower than nuclear, but even she has managed to ratchet up her intensity to a world-destroying degree this week, possibly because it’s still early days with her and Toby, and nothing kills a blossoming romance like watching your paramour poke his sister-robot. Spencer goes, “This is Spencer, which you obviously know because my voice was voted Number One Turn-on in the Entire Universe. Also with me is Emily, who poses no threat. Aria, who cannot shut the f–k up about Italian ice cream. And Hanna, whose hand mark I still see on your face. We found the key, we found the videos, what is your robotic deal?”

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