“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.20): Hell hath no fury like a Hanna scorned

 
 

Sean wants Emily to hook him up with Paige. Emily wants Sean to die in a fire. But because she’s the heart of this show and the most courageous PLL of all, she doesn’t actually tie him to a stake and burn him alive. She doesn’t even throw a firecracker at his face. She’s like, “I’m sorry, Sean. Paige and I aren’t really friends.” Which is only the sweetest, most Jane Bennet-est thing ever. (“Could there be finer symptoms? Is not general incivility the very essence of love?”)

Emily and Aria meet up in the courtyard so Aria can give Emily the totally innocuous objects of her and Ezra’s courtship for safekeeping. (Chopsticks from that time they got Chinese takeout. A light bulb from that time they turned on a light. A jar of air from that time they breathed.) They don’t have time to catalogue the whole thing, though, because Caleb is having a really loud, really specific conversation on his mobile about, “Evil Overlord, I know I agreed to f–k over Hanna, but that was before she took me in off the street and made me mac and cheese and taught me the ways of the popsicle piggy bank. Also: sex.” Emily and Aria tip-toe behind a pillar and peek around like a couple of actual Scoobys. It’s the first real zoink! moment we’ve had in weeks, and oh, I cherish it.

Emily and Aria try to to explain to Hanna about Caleb being a villain, but Hanna lays down this irrefutable logic: He can’t be a bad guy; I slept with him. And I mean, how are you going to argue with that? Saint Peter said love covers a multitude of sins, and that’s totally true. But equally true (and universally acknowledged) is this fact: Heady, heady hormones cover a canyon of crazy. If there was some kind of scout badge for that principle, I’d have — I don’t even want to tell you how many badges I’d have. Hundreds, probably. Maybe a million. Hanna is like, “Case closed.” And Emily and Aria are like, “Who are we to argue? One of us is in love with a teacher in this very school and the other one of us is in love with a girl who tried to drown us. So.”

Emily catches up with Paige in the hallway and Paige goes, “Sean and I are so totally in love!” And Emily is all, “And I’m the White Queen of Wonderland!”

Hanna, meanwhile, has spied JennaBot wearing her bedazzled owl necklace which is actual a flash drive and so she: a) breaks up with Caleb and makes him homeless again, b) breaks into Caleb’s locker with the Braille code of yore, and c) beats the shit out of JennaBot in the loo like some kind of Moaning Myrtle situation. I mean. Honestly. She walks over to a blind robot and just wallops her in the face. “This is Hanna by the way,” she says. And JennaBot turns on her sympathy sensors and cries and cries and — oh my God, you guys, don’t look into her eyes! That’s what she wants! She’ll prey on your sympathy and kill you like she killed those roosters!

Boo Radley pays a visit to Spencer so they can get their outcast on. He gives her a couple of lessons in being a Person Of Interest, and they talk about running away and maybe joining the circus. Spencer’s like, “I’ve got the costumes.” And Boo’s like, “My face can do many creepy things.” And they hold hands like the most adorable things you’ve ever seen. Like when you see little kittens sleeping on top of each other with their little kitten eyes squeezed tight and their little purrers just a-purring. Actually. Boo’s face isn’t so weird when you think of it as a smooshed kitten face. Oh, Boo. Remember when those kids scowled at you and you cried?

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