“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.20): Hell hath no fury like a Hanna scorned

 
 

Up is down! Black is white! On is off! Dogs and cats, lions and lambs, lying together in a fluffy cuddle pile on opposite day, because: JennaBot cried and I got sad. Spencer and Boo Radley Van Cullen held hands by a fire and I swooned. It’s like my heart has been flipped inside out, but that doesn’t even matter really because it swelled to the point of bursting this morning when I read that ABC Family is launching Pretty Little Liars‘ second season in June. JUNE! It’s like we don’t even have to mourn when it ends in two weeks because it’s coming right back to us.

Another afternoon in Rosewood. Spencer is having a nuclear-level emotional meltdown at Emily because she got one question wrong on an algebra quiz or something. It seems like a big deal until she realizes the Rosewood PD are in her bedroom giving her the full Boo Radley Van Cullen treatment, upending her boxes of love letters from her sister’s ex-boyfriends and thrashing all three of her costume closets. Ian, of course, is watching from the hallway, munching a cookie and looking like Satan’s favorite son.

The next morning JennBot wakes up the town with a flute solo because she killed all the roosters with her bare hands months ago. Aria rises and shines to find that her mom and dad spent the night together. She remains calm and benevolent, totally turning it into a teaching moment, all, “Sometimes you catch two people shagging. Two people you never thought you’d catch shagging. The mature response is the one I am having right now, and I hope if either of you ever find yourself in a similar situation, you will demonstrate the kind of decorum I have modeled for you this morning.”

There’s no literary theme this week, so Spencer’s outfit is just “gondola driver.” She drops by school to tell the PLLs that the cops are probably coming for them next, even though it’s a total waste of taxpayer dollars because every piece of “evidence” in Alison’s “murder” “investigation” is automatically “contaminated.” Hanna is not really feeling the homicide talk so soon after she swiped her V-card; she’d rather chat about how Caleb bought her a bedazzled owl necklace as a symbol of their love and a remembrance of their pants party. Aria is like, “… owls?” And Hanna goes, “Right. Like that Tootsie Roll commercial from the ’50s? How many licks does it take? Ha ha! Just kidding. This is ABC Family. We heard owls while we were doing it.”

Just across the cafeteria, the opposite of doing it is happening: Paige and Sean are engaged in some flirting about how they’re both captains of their sports teams. (Oh, wait — I get it now. This week’s theme is captains. Paige is captain of the swim team; Sean is captain of the football team; Spencer is captain of my heart. That explains the hat.) Emily gawks for a second and mumbles “… too gay to function” under her breath, and then Aria’s like, “Oh, speaking of too gay to function, I’ve got to send a G-rated text to my boyfriend Ella. I mean Ezra.” Only, she sends the actual text — “Thinking of you and how I’d like to stand three feet apart from you and make eye contact” — to her actual mom. Ella catches her in the hallway later and goes, “I think you meant to send this to Spencer, darling.” And Aria’s all, “Please. Like anyone could keep herself three entire feet away from Spencer Hastings.”

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