“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.17): Homo Moze

 
 

Spencer drives Boo to a green screen and tells him to run like the wind. (Seriously, man. Get your ass out of here.) But he says he doesn’t want to run anymore. Remember when he tried to say hello to those ice cream kids and they darted across the street and he cried in the alley? That broke my heart. Boo Radley Van Cullen, why did you have to fall for Spencer? I love you, you creep.

Emily is reeling from Mr. Moze’s bullshit in the cafeteria. Well, I mean, that and the fact that her homophobic mom had her girlfriend shipped off to Juvie Camp where cell phones don’t work and relationships fall apart on drug-free principle. And, you know, she and her best mates are still being stalked by a loony-toon psychopath who is responsible for one to ten Rosewood deaths, probably, depending on how “contaminated” the “crime-scene” “evidence” turns out to be. It’s been a rough couple of weeks for Emily, is what I am saying, so it’s no surprise that she almost loses her shit when Pam pops her head into her room and says, “You look unhappy. Why don’t you put on some socks and come downstairs? We’ll watch Titanic and eat popcorn and talk about our feelings.”

When Pam shows up at Rosewood for her parent-teacher conference the next day, Piper is like, “Oh, hey! Glad you’re here! I was going to tell you, everyone at this school loves Emily because she is a good student and a hard worker and a loyal friend, character qualities that have nothing to do with her boob-on-boob thing, and we won’t stand for any more gay-bullying from Mr. Moze.”

And oh, girl. Pam sashays her gorgeous self over to Mr. Moze and lets him have it: “You know who’s awesome? My kid! You know who’s a survivor? My kid! You know who is going to his ass beat into the ground if he ever belittles her again? You, motherf–ker!”

Me and you and Emily and everyone else are all like, “Whoa, Nia Peeples!”

Pam tells Emily she still doesn’t understand about her penis-free lifestyle, but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s proud of her, and that she loves her desperately. And I like that. I really, really like that. That’s some organic character growth right there. 

In a dark parking garage in a BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA, Emily is thinking about the day’s events. And then, like a creeping creepster from Creep Town, USA, Moze just Apparates into the front seat looking like a wild thing. There are twigs in her hair; her eyes are three sizes too big. She tries some small talk about the weather and Emily is like, “If you’re going to murder me, just do it.” And Moze grabs Emily’s face and just snogs the hell out of it. She jumps out of the car and throws a “Don’t tell!” over her shoulder.

Super hot image via -emilyfields.tumblr.com

Emily is like, “What the actual f–k?” And every person who ever watched Nickelodeon and grew up gay is like, “I knew it!”

“A” takes some flowers to Godric’s Hollow and puts them on the Potter’s grave. Probably s/he’s on his/her way over to Bathilda Bagshot’s place for tea again. There, they’ll pet Voldemort’s Horcrux snake and drink some unicorn blood and plot new ways to mess with Spencer. If you take out the first two things, that’s the way I spend every other evening.

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