“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.16): Vive la Liars!


Emily and Paige. Paige and Emily. Emily and Maya and Maya and Emily and Paige and Emily and Maya and Paige and Coachprah. WHO’S READY FOR A SWIIIIIMMMMM OFFFFFFF?! (Maya isn’t really in this episode, and I don’t think she’s coming back, but I thought we should mention her in the hopes that she’ll one day make it home from Juvie Camp in one gay piece.)

In the early hours of the day, when only the Caleb Lettos are roaming the halls and tending to their nests in the air conditioning vents, the Rosewood High swim team is practicing for their upcoming meet. Paige and Emily tie their practice run, so Coachprah doesn’t know who will anchor the relay tomorrow afternoon.

After Coachprah leaves the locker room, Paige grabs Emily by the hair and holds a knife to her throat and says, “Your death is imminent, and I don’t mean in that cloaked menace way you and your friends almost always get murdered, but then it turns out it’s just a shadow or a homeless teenager. I mean it in this way: I will literally slit your throat.” And then she takes her hands off of Emily’s person and whistles her way to geometry.

Emily tells Spencer that Paige “wants it more” and Spencer says, “Em, it’s OK for you to admit that you want me more. I mean, want it more. ‘It’ being ‘swimming.’ Obviously.”

And then Emily wakes up in the night to a text message. For once, it’s not A with some midnight limerick; it’s Paige, and she wants Emily to come to the front door …

… where she’s just sopping wet from the torrential downpour happening behind her, and she wants Emily to know she’s sorry. So sorry. (Also, I think she wants Emily to see her with her wet t-shirt clinging to her cleavage.) And I gotta tell you, I thought Paige was totally pre-apologizing for something horrible she was going to do. I still think that might be the case. Anyway, after she apologizes she runs off the porch into the rain and hops on her bicycle and for a shining second I thought Lindsay Shaw was going to ram that thing into a mailbox on accident.

At school the next day, Coachprah tells Emily, “YOU’RE THE ANCHOOOOORRRR!” because Paige crashed her bike the night before. See, here’s what I thought. I thought Paige was going to pretend she got hit by a BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA while she was riding her bike to a soup kitchen to help the needy or something, and if Emily was on trial for murder like every other teenager in this town, she wouldn’t have time for swim practice.

But instead, Paige comes to the meet to cheer on Shay Mitchell’s legs. Afterward, Paige says, “I’ve never seen a sports movie about overachiever kids and so I don’t know anything about playing for fun.” Emily says she’ll show her, and they swim in slow-motion and the music says they’re going to fall for each other and Emily comes up out of the water and stares at swimming Paige like she is the most majestic thing.

Over at the home of the actual most majestic thing, Spencer opens up L’attrape-coeurs. Boo gave it back because they can’t study together any more, but really he was just giving her a clue. See, he found some Braille in JennaBot’s room and that made him suspicious because what blind girl has Braille in her room?

In his/her lair, A is unpacking real life pieces from the game of Clue: wrench, rope, candlestick, lead pipe. S/he’s learning French, too, from a record. Je suis, I am, says the record. Je suis, I am. Je suis, I am. Je suis, I am. I don’t know how familiar you are with the Jewish Torah/the first five books of the Christian Old Testament, but when someone says “I am” over and over and over again, it means that person is God.

The Lord in the Billiard Room with the Revolver. Case closed.

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