“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.16): Vive la Liars!


Caleb Letto is really sure Hanna owes him now, so he uses her status as homecoming queen to identify the kids in their class that might be into a ponzi scheme. Or something. It doesn’t really make much sense. Hanna tells Caleb Letto that his prime target is the girl whose grandfather invented the stapler, which means that one of the PLLs’ classmates is like 120 years old (because the very first stapler appeared in King Louis XV’s court in the 18th century. In keeping with the French theme, you see).

All that Scooby snacking is for naught, though, because A texts Aria to say that Hanna is the tattler, and Hanna confirms it, and so they break up. It’s very sad. Hanna is very heartbroken. So heartbroken that she lets the hobo Caleb Letto move into her basement with his savvy tech skills and all the shiny things he’s collected over the years.

Spencer Hastings, Queen of my Heart, has had it uptohere with all the injustice being leveled at Boo Radley Van Cullen. Here is a boy whose only crime was sleeping with his sister-robot, and maybe dipping his favorite sweater into a dead girl’s blood. He’s as innocent as snow, is what Spencer is saying; and has been saying like a lone reed upon the moors of Shibden Valley from the moment he returned to town.

No? That’s not correct? She squawked Boo’s guilt every morning for a year like the Pledge of Allegiance for everyone to hear? Oh. Well, she’s got a jaunty beret burning a hole in her costume box and French is something people should know at juvie. Right? What’s wrong with trying to class up the joint every now and again?

Spencer signs up to tutor Boo in French, but since JennaBot will murder her if she enters his house, and a slayer will stake him if he steps off his porch, they’re forced to study on the front steps while Jenna calls in a SniperBot to lock them both in its cross-hairs. Boo’s like, “You see the curtains swaying ominously behind us — WAIT, DON’T LOOK! Well, that’s JennaBot, and if she suspects even for a second that we’re doing anything more than conjugating verbs, we’re both going to get sniped. Do you hear me?”

She gives him a copy of Catcher in the Rye in French, and he’s like, “How do you even know I’ve read the book that describes half my characterization?” And she goes, “True or false: You are reciting this passage in your head right this second:

I was half in love with her by the time we sat down. That’s the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they’re not much to look at, or even if they’re sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can.

He says. “Fine, OK! Oui!” And she says, “Up close your chin dimple isn’t so weird.”

Over at Emily’s, Spencer arranges herself on the bed so as to look like a painting in want of an artist. She’s in love with that Radley boy already, I think, and even if he is a lunatic, that’s two steps up from the d-bag tennis pro who broke up with her because she thought he was talented enough to go to camp in Sweden.

Spencer’s only actual problem revolves around Ian and Melissa, and even if those two aren’t guilty of murder, they ought to be arrested for being so godd–n stupid. Spencer stops by Ian’s office to tell him she won’t be at field hockey practice this afternoon because of her new tutoring responsibility. And he is just indignant. He pulls her into his office and says, “What are you playing at, you filthy bitch?” And she’s like, “Er…” And he says, “Do you mean to tell me you’re not coming to practice?” And she’s like, “Right. I’m not coming to practice.” And he’s all, “So you’re not coming to practice?” And she goes, “That is, in fact, what I said.” And he punches a hole through the wall just as Melissa walks in, and she’s like, “Baby, what’s wrong?” and he points at Spencer and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and says, “Your sister just told me she’s not coming to practice.” Melissa gasps; she’s visibly shaken. And after an intense moment, she says, “Spencer, what the actual f–k?”

It’s weird. But whatever. Ian told Melissa about how he kissed Spencer that one time, and now she’s incubating his child, which they conceived with stupidity and murder-prone sperm.

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