“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.15): Breast Stroke

Typing of homicide, MOZE! Did you guys ever watch Ned’s Declassified on Nickelodeon? I shipped Moze and Ned so hard. I think Lindsey Shaw was also on the now-defunct 10 Things I Hate About You remake, but I don’t really care about that. What I care about is Emily is sober (bummer) and back on the swim team (spectacular). The day she returns to training she shatters some kind of state record (That’s one way to win a breakup!), which sets off Moze because she’s freestyled her way to top dog in Emily’s absence.

When Moze can’t buy the team’s affection with jewelry — bracelets just like the ones Alison had made for the PLLs! — she decides to gay-bully her way into Emily’s psyche. (10 Galleons from the Popsicle box says she’s going to try to gay-Moze her way into Emily’s pants before it’s all said and done.) She admires Emily’s bra in the locker room (*eyebrow raise*) and then says, “Being into the breast stroke could really hurt you. We all know what team you really play for.” Emily rolls her eyes and says, “Look, I am threatened by a serial killer on a daily basis, OK? If you want to out-swim me, out-swim me. If all this homophobic aggression is just a thinly-veiled attempt to seduce me, I understand. I have, after all, seen myself in the mirror.”

Spencer’s not having it, though. Over meat casserole, she tells Spencer and Aria about the breast stroke thing, and Spencer literally goes, “I will destroy her.” She tries to destroy her, too, by telling Coach Oprah (Coachprah?) about the homophobia. Emily tells Coachprah it was no big deal, so she lets Moze off the hook. To thank Emily for saving her ass, Moze tries to drown her. Seriously. She’s, like, holding Emily’s head under the water and shouting about, “Why are you a better athlete than me? Why can’t I stop staring at your boobs? Your hair should be in a shampoo commercial!”

And Spencer. Spencer. Sweet Jesus, Spencer. I used to dress like Spencer when I was a little kid, a new costume every day of the week.

The most important Spencer revelation in this episode is that she wants to snog Aria. She sort of floats the idea out there, casually, “Yesterday you were ready to give me tongue.” And Aria giggles nervously because she’s been ready to give Spencer tongue. (We all have.)

In Aria’s absence, Spencer drives the Mystery Machine all over Rosewood by herself. Her first stop is Alison’s brother, Jason, who is back in town to … run up and down the stadium stairs with his shirt off? Spencer presents him with a photo of Alison taken the night of her death. Aria used her protractor to discover that the photo was taken from the second floor of Alison’s house. Also, there is a mysterious shadow that everyone keeps insisting belongs to Ian. Jason’s private investigator (?) says the photo is the real deal, and also maybe he took it? Because he was so high that whole summer he has no idea what kind of hijinks he got up to with his digital camera? Did Spencer hook up with Jason too? Is that a thing? I can’t remember. If so: gross.

After that, Spencer drives on over to old Bathilda Bagshot’s place in Godrics Hollow. Bathilda takes some time out from beading to check her records and tell Spencer Hastings that Spencer Hastings is the one that bought the fake Alison bracelet lo those many months ago. Then Voldemort’s Horcrux snake Nagini unzips his old lady costume and tried to swallow Spencer in a single Slytherin gulp, but Hermione grabs Spencer’s hand just in time and they apparate to an open field where Hermione tends to Spencer’s wounds and then they make out.

Just kidding. There’s no reptile inside that old bead lady. Which is a real missed opportunity if you ask me.

At home, Spencer flashes back to a fight she had with Alison the night she was axe murdered. Alison was about to dime out Spencer to Melissa about some secret secrets and so Spencer said, “You are dead to me!” And then Alison actually was dead to her, so: whoops. She tells the other PLLs that the shadow in the photo is her and not Ian. They’re like, “Don’t worry about it; we also all wanted to kill Alison because she really was just the worst goddamn thing.”

Bathilda Bagshot invites A over for a cup of tea. “I did exactly what you asked,” she says. “I hope that helps. I hope you’re pleased. I hope you know I will forever be your willing vessel of evil. Sugar?”

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