“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.14): I’m Not Thirsty!


One) Emily steals a flask from Hannah’s purse and gets just trolleyed. Shay Mitchell plays the funniest drunk person I’ve ever seen. Classically, she says, “I’m not thirsty!” when Aria tries to sober her up with a soda, and “I can open my own damn door” when Spencer tries to help her into the BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA. I don’t know if it’s meant to be as funny as it is, but even writing about it now, I’ve got tears streaming down my face.

Two) Spencer consoles Emily by saying, “”Oh, sweetie, she’s in wilderness boot camp. She’s been talking to bears.” Which: a) Any time Trojan HOW DO YOU SPELL HER LAST NAME has the opportunity to share her voice with the world is all right with me, especially when the line delivery requires her to do that thing where she talks out of the side of her mouth. b) I just adore how supportive the PLLs are of Emily’s homosexual hijinks.

Three) As soon as I realized we’re going to do this thing where we talk about Maya in the wilderness, my mind leaped to a fan fictional universe where Maya and Georgina Sparks (from Gossip Girl) (both Buffy alum, mind) wear OMJC t-shirts while they hold hands and frolic through the forest and raise up an army of minions who help them seize control of the entire planet. JennaBot who?

Hannah and Spencer take Emily home from the sock hop and tuck her into bed, which is very sweet, except they forget to make her drink some water — so she can bank on a first-class hangover tomorrow.

And Spencer. Spencer, Spencer, Spencer, Spencer.

Spencer’s latest dilemma is that awkward moment we all face at one time or another when our dead BFF’s former statutory love/axe-murderer is flitting around the kitchen looking for popcorn salt while said dead BFF’s sex/murder video has freeze framed his face on the laptop sitting on the kitchen counter.

Of particular note, Spencer is wearing just the gayest thing today.

Should they take the laptop to the police? Should they not? Who’s to say, really? It only has videographic evidence that could free an innocent Boo Radley and convict a creepy creep-star. By the time the PLLs decide maybe they could use some help solving a murder mystery (that very nearly resulted in another of their deaths, remember), “A” or “Ian” or “Someone” has stolen Spencer’s laptop. By the time she rediscovers it — under some magazines in her own iving room — the video has been wiped. That’ll teach you not to back up your files, young lady!

Oh! Also! Spencer kissed Ian at some point because of course she did. And “A” attended the sock hop as coat #32, and Piper hopes he had a really nice time.

Next week: “A” makes Hannah poison Lucas’ puppy, Aria murders Meg Manning and sends her body back to the 09ers as a warning, Spencer receives the Voice From Heaven Award from Lord God Almighty, and Emily begins the long process of processing the process by which she proceeded to drive Maya into the arms of Pure Evil.

#BooRadleyVanCullen is next!

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