“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.13): First Love, Last Dance


Mama Fields comes home to the absolutely horrific sound of two girls giggling in Emily’s room. She peeps through the crack in the door and sees Emily and Maya’s toes touching, and so she bursts into the room shouting, “EMILY FIELDS, WHERE ARE YOUR SOCKS?!” and then “WHO KNOWS WHERE THIS WAS HEADED?!”

Maya’s like, “It was headed to Geography, actually.” And Mrs. Fields just screeches, “And I suppose the first order of business was a tour around the Isle of Lesbos, was it?!” Maya’s like, “Yeaaaah, I better go.” And once she does, Emily rewires the worst ever parent bomb and drops it directly on her mama’s lap: “For the first time in my life, I am ashamed that you are my mother!” BOOM, BITCH! BOOM!

But Mrs. Fields is just getting started. She sits down on Emily’s bed after Emily has stormed out — check out the photo of Emily and Maya on the nightstand! — and starts snooping thorough her daughter’s girlfriend’s stuff: mix CD, notebooks, breath mints, pencils — wait a second, those aren’t breath mints! She pulls up the Juvie Camp App on her iPhone and rubs her hands together and twirls her mustache and gives herself a high five because she just found the source of Emily’s sapphic confusion: Marijuana Cigarettes! (If this “mom” thing doesn’t work out, she’s got a real shot at becoming the third member of Aria and Spencer’s Scooby gang.)

When Emily gets home from … swim team practice, I guess, Mama Fields follows her into her room and casually asks if she’s stoned. She reaches to touch Emily’s face, and Emily smacks her hand away ’cause shit is about to get real and she knows it. Mama Fields tries to convince Emily of the thing she’s trying to convince herself: That Emily is mixed up in a confusing drug situation, and it’s making her think she likes breasts. (And feet.) She forbids Emily to see Maya, and just as she’s starting to feel the return of that once-familiar sense of control, Emily lays it out for exactly what it is: You can lie to yourself. You can build a fortress up into the sky and stick me away in the highest tower. You can surround it with a moat, a dragon, an army of guards, a million enchantments. You can punish me. You can banish her. You can hold me prisoner there forever, and I’ll always be as gay as I am right this second — in my very own bedroom.

Over at Rosewood High, ol’ Noel drops by Mr. Blythe’s class to see how he’s feeling about that grade change. Gil gets in Noel’s face, all, “It was the exact same paper you turned in last time, and guess what? I found some new mistakes, and so here’s your new grade — ‘F’ for fu[BLEEEEEP] you!” Just kidding, there weren’t any bleeps; what is this, US Skins? That’s the Blythe sentiment, though, and Noel sniffs and tells him to enjoy his time in the clink.

Spencer has started tiptoeing everywhere like Spy Vs. Spy, and this time she spots Boo Radley walking down the sidewalk. Some people spit on him; others throw tomatoes at his face. He smiles sweetly at some kids with some ice cream cones and they scream like Macaulay Culkin and bolt to the other side of the street. Spencer follows Boo into the alley where he slides down against the wall and cries and cries and cries. Forced to bonk a robot, sent to reform school for blowing up the selfsame robot’s eyeballs, stood up at prom, arrested for the murder of the worst human being to ever roam the earth, and now despised by small children everywhere. Spence feels sad watching such a spectacle.

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