“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.13): First Love, Last Dance

 
 

In that one outdoor cafe in Rosewood, Emily is enjoying a nice cup of coffee and thinking how much better food tastes without the crushing awkwardness and disappointment her mother serves with every entree these days. Spencer calls South Carolina and Scarlett O’Haras the front desk like a real live gumshoe. It’s the first Spencer plan that doesn’t require air quotes: She pretends to be Ian’s wife and asks for the dates of his previous visit, so she can deduce if he was boning/planning to murder Alison the weekend she was supposed to be staying with her grandma in Georgia. He was there, oh yes he was. Busted! Plus: Alison hated old people. Double busted! I hope to one day be on a jury where someone presents the evidence: She loathed the elderly.

Rosewood may be shit at keeping its citizens alive and its banks unrobbed, but it’s got an uncanny team of medical professionals. Hannah is already out of that cast. (Maybe she did have her spleen removed. Maybe the doctors just grew it back real fast, like a starfish.) She joins Spencer and Emily and Agent Cooper for breakfast. You know, Agent Cooper: The FBI employee who is happy to share the details of a murder investigation with a group of teenagers. “Boo Radley Van Cullen may be out on bail, but he’s not going anywhere. And we’ve got a solid case against him. So, unless you girls have been threatened, taunted, teased, tortured or mowed down by any suspicious persons who might offer alternative evidence … ?” They’re like, “OK, then! Bye!”

At school, Noel Kahn’s presence brings the temperature down many degrees. I’ve decided it’s his face. It’s weirdly symmetrical and his eyes are always open a little too wide and his smile is always a little too eager. Like Bowser. The PLLs are all about Spencer snooping through Ian’s stuff in her kitchen, but who’s got time to solve a crime when this is Bianca Lawson‘s last episode. (WHY? WHY? WHY?) (BRB, CRYING FOREVER.)

Emily hops up from the table and kisses Maya in front of the whole cafeteria, and I don’t know what’s sappier: The looks on the PLLs faces, or the music. Either way, someone is going to have to hold me so I can make it through this recap. Emily says they’re on for later, and Spencer chirps, “What’s later?” Studying is the order of the day, and Hannah says, “Is that girl-on-girl code for romance?” Emily is coy and adorable. She says, “No, it means calculus and sometimes touching our bare feet together.” It’s sweet. It’s so sweet how happy her friends are for her.

Spencer is shocked when Maya tells them Emily is romantic. I guess the werewolf and/or vampire didn’t bring it out in her. Maya says that yeah, they study, but Emily really would like candles and moonlight and dancing and the whole shebang. One day, maybe. (SPOILER ALERT: DO IT NOW OR YOU’LL NEVER GET THE CHANCE!)

Noel Kahn and Mr. Blythe have a pissing match about how Mr. Blythe has too much integrity to change Noel’s grade, but not enough integrity to refrain from dating an underage student. I’m on Gil’s side over Noel Kahn, you know I am, but I think maybe this is the kind of situation that would send Aria’s brother’s Hypocrisy Meter into overdrive. Out in the hallway, the police escort Boo Radley Van Cullen to his locker to get his books because his ability to remember the Pythagorean theorem is important all of a sudden. For some reason, the custodial staff didn’t bother to clean the murder accusations off his locker, which reminds everyone to hiss at him as he walks by. Taunting a suspected murderer whose sister-lover is a Cylon? Real smart, guys. Real smart.

Hanna finds a hundred dollar bill taped to the inside of her locker, and she follows some instructions to a bakery where “A” has order half a dozen pig face cupcakes on which she is instructed to gorge herself. (“Sit here and eat every single one.”) It somehow seems even worse than when “A” ran over Hannah with her car. I can’t explain it. It’s awful. Hannah flashes back to when she used to walk around with pillows under her shirt and eat a lot of snacks when she got stressed out. Alison taught her to binge and purge, because of course she did.

Some Rosewood High jocks watch Hanna eat her cupcakes and they laugh and laugh because — actually, I have no idea why they’re laughing. Maybe they just found out her boyfriend doesn’t have a penis? OK, I think the reason this is so heartbreaking is because “A” is turning Hanna into her bitch. She’s harming herself on purpose because “A” has something on her mom. And that’s exactly what she tells Aria when she sits down beside her and tells the jocks to f–k off. Did I mention Hanna’s ring? It’s a giant, gold hippogriff feather.

Hanna hops over to the bathroom to kick start her bulimia, and finds like six hundred-dollar bills taped to the paper towels inside the dispenser.

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