“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.12): Meet the Fockers

Lucas picks a fight with Ken Doll and Hanna demands to speak to him outside. Just absolutely blinkered from three cups of hard lemonade, Lucas confesses that he’s the one who destroyed Alison’s shrine. And, oh my god, I just remembered the muddy shoes! Remember the muddy shoes? He wore them to school, his one pair of shoes! Hahaha! Oh, show. Thank you for making that callback. Hanna says she can keep his secret, and he teeters on home to sell some toys on Ebay.

Hanna and Aria put their heads together to ferret out the “clues,” as they see them — “Clue” 1:  The only thing “A” seems to want these days is the systematic destruction of their lives. “Clue” 2: They don’t know who “A” is. “Clue” 3: Noel Kahn has an overactive bladder. That’s all they’ve got.

Someone emailed me last week and said, “Stop making up s–t in your PLL recaps! Aria is not from Scooby-Doo.” And to that I say: Isn’t she, hostile reader? ISN’T SHE?

Over at the Radley’s, JennaBot clanks out to sit on the porch with Boo. She’s like, “I’m the one that turned you in to the cops so you’d come home and incest with me some more.” He says, “Maybe that was cute on Arrested Development, JennaBot, but it made Veronica Mars vomit.” She slaps him in the face. He’s lucky she didn’t tazer him with her bio-knuckles.

Everyone leaves Hanna alone after the party. Let me repeat that: Everyone leaves a girl in a wheelchair to clean up the mess after their surprise party. Spencer bangs around with her crutch and thinks about how hard it is to make a dramatic exit in a wheelchair. Two boys pissed her off tonight, and all she could do was wheel around and not face them. Shadows creep across the wall. A dog barks in the distance. A baby cries. A vase smashes. Hanna’s mom returns home from a night of burgling to find Hanna huddling in the dark.

Ms. Marin marches straight to the cupboard and pulls out the box of moola-sagna. But guess what? Only “sagna” is left. She’s like, “Dammit, Hanna, your stalker stole our 401K!” And then they share some sleeping pills and — like Lucas before her — Ms. Marin stumbles off into the night.

At home, Emily’s mom is folding and refolding some table clothes like she’s stuck in an Eisenhower loop of the space-time continuum. Emily thanks her mom for being OK with Maya, and Ms. Fields says she’s not; that the thought of them together makes her physically ill. Emily is shattered, like we all would be. But we need the hard true stuff in our stories, too.

Spencer snoops around Ian’s stuff at home and finds a luggage tag from Fairways Resort in Hilton Head, SC. That reminds her that on the day of the night Alison was murdered, she returned home from her Nana’s with the exact same luggage tag. So Ian was bonking Allison, which we knew all along. Maybe she’d still be alive if she had taken some sunscreen tips from Noel Kahn.

Hanna opens another pill bottle to find a message from “A.” She can have her money back as long as she does exactly what “A” tells her to do. (Stand still while I pummel you with this vehicle.)

And somewhere, on some desk, in some office, in the middle of the night, the Risen Mitten deposits hundred-dollar bills into a single, sinister clown, that might have been the nightmare at the end of a nightstand.

And the Pretty Little Liars beat on, a boat against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.


Next week I’ll be back with your #BooRadleyVanCullen Tweets. I got trapped without internet in a freak southern snowstorm this week, and I just ran out of time.

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