“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.12): Meet the Fockers


Noel Kahn appears in a puff of smoke, his Dark Mark tattoo burning his forearm under his Holister jacket. He smiles and waves and is menacing — like every other dude in Rosewood. Maya calls Emily’s attention back to the processing at hand. She wants to know if Emily is still into this whole Fockers business, and Emily says yes, except her parents have been acting strange: “Whispering. Closing doors. Changing the channel when Ellen comes on.” (You can tell an actual lesbian wrote this scene; it’s amazing.) Maya says she’ll wear the girly-est dress she owns, tell them she sewed it herself like a real pioneer! Emily’s like, “Being a lesbian isn’t funny, Maya!”

See what happens when your parents deprive you of watching Ellen? You forget how jokes work.

In class, Mr. Blythe tells us a little bit about Gatsby, about how he was handsome and ruthless and charming, and how Gatsby’s themes are “change and loss.” And not to go all Spencer-Doo on you here, but there’s gotta be some kind of clue in it, right? Alison could easily be a Daisy Buchanan. I mean, in a later flashback she says she only “kills” when they need food — or when she’s bored. And that’s the epitome of ennui; Daisy in a nutshell. Always up to apathetic no good because she didn’t have anything better to do. Crushed under the weight of her own cynicism. Wishing foolishness on the rest of the world. Oh! And running over someone with a car! (Does that make Hanna a Myrtle? But she’s already redeemed.) (I don’t know. Bookmark it.)

Aria stays after class to tell Mr. Blythe that Noel Kahn knows about them. She talks fast and furious about how he was jealous and angry and whatever thing, and Mr. Blythe goes, “I get why he did it? Who else knows?” (I think Ian Harding is especially dreamy and I always giggle when he up-ticks declarative sentences like they’re questions. “I get why he did it?”) Aria says no one else knows, and for some reason Gil is satisfied with that answer. There are now five teenagers and one anonymous homicidal maniac who know he’s involved with a student, and still he’s like, “That’s cool; thanks for letting me know. Gotta bounce, though: It’s potluck day in the staff cafeteria!”

Mona pins down Emily and Spencer in the hallway and licks their faces and nips at their heals. She says she wants to throw a rager at Hanna’s house with the theme: We Love You With Or Without Your Spleen. Emily’s face is all, “Uh, Hanna still has her spleen.” And Spencer’s face is all, “I’m about to make a joke.”

They explain that people who have literally been run down often need a few days to recover. Mona’s like, “Well we’re gonna drink awesome shooters, listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each others awesomeness, so don’t come if you don’t want to be awesome.”

Noel Kahn slithers into Mr. Blythe’s class and says he’s not happy with the grade he got on his essay. He says he thinks he knows enough to get a better grade. Then he scratches out the “C” and writes an “A” and I’m over here, like, memorizing his penmanship in case that “A” pops up again, like when Georgia Sparks’ “G” drips actual blood on Gossip Girl.

Aria stops by after school to say she’s going to Hanna’s spleen party and then she’ll head on over to Gil’s to “watch” some “movies.” They have a little spat about who Noel Kahn really is. (Abercrombie model, I’m guessing. I have a Pavlovian reaction to his face; my head starts hurting every time he’s on screen, just like when I get caught in that fog of Abercrombie cologne that permeates the mall. Brimstone over Mordor, that stuff.)

Their quarrel about the motives of Mr. Kahn is broken up when JennaBot clomps into the room, her Kinematic Sensors just whirring and tinging and bleeping to beat the band: “Drama Advisory Scale: Severe.” She grins to herself and says Mr. Blythe needs to sign some kind of absence form. Then: “Thank you. Sorry to block your path to the federal penitentiary. Hi, Aria.” And JennaBot plods away.

Aria’s giant motherf–king mood ring in this scene says that she’s sad, by the way.

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