“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.12): Meet the Fockers

The PLLs discuss how Noel Kahn is “A” and how the only thing keeping them from getting mass murdered is the way the scent of coconuts and pineapples always precedes his presence. Aria offers to spend the night with Hanna, keep her safe; her sense of smell is keen after a lifetime of sniffing out Scooby Snacks. Hanna gets hungry thinking about Scooby snacks so she wheels on over to the pantry, hoping to knock a Pop-Tart into her lap with her crutches. Instead she yanks down a box of lasagna stuffed with a hundred badrillion dollars.

The PLLs want to cook dinner for Hanna or help her to her bed or not leave her alone because of maniacs on the loose, but Hanna clutches the box of moola-sagna to her chest and tells them to scram. She’s hungry, she’s loopy, she’s sleepy, just go. They acquiesce to her request because safety in numbers is clearly a myth. Spencer stays behind to tell Hanna not to chomp down on those uncooked noodles. (It’s been a long time since Hanna’s had carbs; she needs the reminder, probably.) And then Spencer kisses me on the head. Wait, no. She kisses me on the mouth. Kisses Hanna on the mouth. No, the head. What? I don’t — oh, look: it’s a text from “A”:

“Like mommy, like daughter. Can you run from the law on those legs?”

Run from the law. I don’t understand people who don’t watch this show.

When Hanna’s mom comes home with bags full of goodies from Bed, Bath & Beyond, Hanna asks her about the bank robbin’ and noodle disguisin’, and Ms. Marin insists that it was just a loan and that she’s not going to end up murdering any old ladies because she can’t pay it back.

The Fields are sitting down to another awkward family meal. Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like finding your daughter’s old algebra notebook littered with equations like: [(2 BOOBS + X) + (NAKED) = (4 NAKED BOOBS) = (BEST)]. The dinner is silent except for the clanking of spoons and forks and dishes, and just when you think the dialogue can’t get any better on this show, it does.

Emily’s dad: I like these sausages; what are they, chicken?
Emily’s mom: No, they’re turkey. [To Emily] So, does your friend have any allergies?
Emily: What?
Emily’s mom: Is there anything I should know about what Maya eats?
Emily: No, she eats everything.

But does she eat rat poison? Ms. Fields shall see — oh, she shall see!

Spencer is dressed like The Great Gatsby, leaning into her boyfriend’s ’69 Mustang, kissing us some more. If you want to make the case that Spencer is a Jordan Baker, I’ll listen. Jordan cheated to win her first golf tournament, yeah? Her boyfriend broke up with her because she ran with a “rotten crowd.” Her best friend “smash[ed] things up,” then “retreat[ed] into … vast carelessness.” I mean, it’s a Boo/Toby-caliber comparison, but Spencer looks better in the costume. (Who’s going to be Scout Finch? Who’s going to dress as a ham? I vote Mona.)

Mrs. Hastings waves a little toodle-do at Alex over there groping her daughter, and Spencer gets all husky about how we’ll they’ll meet up later. She skips over to her mom and trips over two plot points: 1) Boo Radley Van Cullen is out on bail. Vampires, too, have a right to counsel. Apparently. 2) Ian and Melissa are on their honeymoon, and Ian has already moved his s–t into the Hastings’ home. Spencer’s goes, “It’s like zoinks, mom! How irresponsible! But at least I can bring Aria over later to sniff out some clues!”

At school, Aria and Emily decide to split up Hanna’s assignments and hide them inside H&M catalogs, like a choose your own homework/fashion adventure. Maya wanders up looking fetch. She reaches for Emily’s hand and asks what kind of antidotes she should bring to dinner at the Fields’. Skelo-grow? Mandrake Restorative Draught? Dr. Ubbly’s Oblivious Unction? Should she bring a Bezoar, just to be on the safe side?

Emily scoffs because it’s not like her mom would really poison her girlfriend. Then she sighs because her mom would really poison her girlfriend. She tells Maya it doesn’t matter what she wears to dinner. Then she changes her mind, thinks of Shane going to meet the parents of Carmen de la Pica Morales. She says, “A dress. Wear a dress.” Maya wants to know if this dinner is some kind of “formal murder thingy” and then she tosses out the word “jeans” and “butch” causing Emily to dive for cover like she just threw a hand-grenade.

Aria can’t remember if this show takes place in 2011 or 1994, so she tells Maya to iron her jeans if that’s what she decides to wear.

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