Emily lounges on her bed and explains to Maya over the phone that the girl-kissing is on hold because of Hanna getting half-murdered and all. Emily confesses to missing her, but hangs up speedy quick when she realizes her dad is creeping in the doorway like some kind of Van Cullen. He talks real low and gravely and threateningly about how he’s not threatening, and then he threatens to beat up every hypothetical boy in Rosewood. (Good news on that front, Sgt. Fields! You won’t have to beat up any boys!) He gets even more menacing and says Emily just needs to tell him what she’s afraid of.
Emily: I’m not afraid of Toby.
Sgt. Fields: You’re afraid of something; I can see it in your eyes. Now tell me.
Emily: I’m afraid of you and mom.
Sgt. Fields: Why are you afraid of us?
Emily: Because … I’m not who you think I am.
Sgt. Fields: You’re Emily Fields. You’re my little girl. I’ve got a picture of you in my wallet. I’d recognize you anywhere.
Emily: I’m eight years old in that picture. That’s a different girl.
Sgt. Fields: You’re the same girl. I just need a new picture.
Emily: It’s not that simple.
Sgt. Fields: Emmy …
Emily: I’m … gay. I’m gay.
Sgt. Fields plops down on her bed and Emily tells herself it’s OK to start breathing again.
And I can’t believe they really did it! I can’t believe they gave her a label and let her say it out loud and didn’t make her sneak around and “experiment”! She’s just a normal girl! A normal gay girl! And she’s sixteen years old and maybe her parents will disapprove or maybe they won’t, but she didn’t care! She stuck that Sorting Hat on her head and it said Gryffindor and she just came right out to her hard-nosed military dad! Bravo, ABC Family! Bravo! This slow clap is for you!
Regular ol’ straight girls — though I confess: I’m shipping it! — Aria and Spencer take a walk in the woods and talk about how self-destructive/hot it is to date Gilbert Blythe. They’re looking for the “Ian + Alison” tree, but when they reach its home in the Forbidden Forest, it has been chopped down. Spencer falls to the ground and shakes her fist at the sky, “DAMN YOU, RISEN MITTEN!”
At Fields Fortress, Emily’s dad tries to explain to Emily’s mom that his theory was true: He asked, Emily told. And since DADT is over now, they don’t have to make Emily sleep in the yard with the rest of the murderers and homos and hooligans and who knows what all creepsters in Rosewood. Emily’s mom stomps around in her Keds and says that this is not the life-plan she planned for Emily. It’s a life-ruiner, OK? Girls kissing girls will RUIN YOUR LIFE. Sgt Fields is like, “That’s not true. I mean, there’s Ellen. And also, it’s better than the other things we thought. At least she’s not pregnant with a werewolf cub. Or a vampire baby. My friend Charlie Swan says that can be a real pain in the ass. Incubating a vampire.”
Emily’s mom growls, “John McCain said this is what was going to happen!” And then she clomps right out of the room.
Emily listens from the stairs. It’s been a rough few days for that little lamb.
At the hospital, the PLLs discover that “A” came calling when Hanna was asleep. And, guys, that bitch signed Hanna’s cast. She SIGNED Hanna’s CAST. “Sorry I lost my temper. Love, A.”
This is my favorite part of every episode. Spencer shouts, “WHO WROTE THAT?” Emily screams, “DID SOMEONE COME IN HERE WHEN YOU WERE ASLEEP?” Aria covers her face with her hands. Hanna bellows, “WIPE IT OFF! I DON’T KNOW! GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME!”
And in an unnamed fireplace in an undisclosed location, the Risen Mitten sets fire to the “Ian + Alison” Log of Love.
Welcome back, Pretty Little Liars. God, I missed you.
You guys killed it with the #BooRadleyVanCullen Tweets last night. Check out a sample of the hilarity on the next page!