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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.11): Moments Later

Even ABC Family’s official episode descriptions of Pretty Little Liars are a delight. This is how my DVR describes “Moments Later”: “Everyone must deal with the aftermath of what happened at Camp Mona!”

The aftermath. of what happened. at Camp. Mona.(!) I mean, even working backwards from that one sentence, with no prior knowledge, you know it’s going to be awesome. There was something called Camp Mona. And Camp Mona was a glamping trip in which teenage girls wore matching hoodies and flitted around the woods like fairies getting mani/pedis and visiting the BlowMe Station. And something happened there. And that something was: a) Aria skipped out on the party to makeout with Mr. Gilbert Blythe in his car while a disembodied hand wrote on the back window, “I see what you’re doing in there, yes I do, I see it.” b) Emily and Spencer traipsed off in the dark and discovered a tree carving that said “Ian + Alison.” c) “A” plowed over Hanna with his/her car.

And now there’s going to be some aftermath, which is my all-time favorite kind of math.

Rosewood Emergency Services tend to Hanna while every camper at Camp Mona gawks and whispers and wonders WTF. Mona, herself, slithers over and says, “Is that Hanna? That is the ugliest effing neck brace I have ever seen.” And off the ambulance drives into the night, the PLLs scampering along behind it, howling to beat the band.

At the hospital, Hanna’s mom tells the PLLs that Hanna has several broken bones, some bruised ribs, and the doctors might have to remove her spleen. (Does anyone know what a spleen actually does?) (Well, hell. I looked it up on Web M.D. and now I’m pretty sure I have spleen cancer.) Aria wants to borrow some money for the coffee machine, but Ms. Marin shrugs and says, “Sorry, honey, I was on my way home from burgling when I got the call about Hanna; I didn’t have time to stop and make change.”

She asks the PLLs what happened – uh, Camp Mona happened; didn’t you read the episode description? – and Spencer jumps right in with some of her standard Scooby logic: “Like wow, Ms. Marin. The goonie ghost tried to kill her! And by goonie ghost I mean “Boo Radley Van Cullen!” Ms. Marin sighs and says the Roswood PD picked up ol’ goonie ghost last night when he was skulking around a graveyard whimpering about incest and robots. She tells the girls to go home, and Spencer says, “It sure would help if we could find another clue!”

Seriously, though, this is their conversation – verbatim.

Emily: Do you think “A” was just trying to scare us?

Aria: Well, it worked.

Spencer: This was never about scaring us! That was just a bonus! I mean, this started with murder; we were crazy to think it wouldn’t end up like this!

(Copy and paste that dialogue into an email and send it to every person you know who isn’t watching this show. It is your duty. “That was just a bonus!”)

After Spencer explains that they’re in a slasher flick, they all go off their separate ways and leave their best friend alone in the hospital. Because what’s true in horror movies is true in real life: When a known killer is on the loose, you’re much less likely to get murdered when you wander around in the dark, BY YOURSELF.

Back at home, Spencer is completely dismayed to find Ian frolicking with his shirt unbuttoned like some kind of Hanes commercial up in there. He says he’s canceling practice tomorrow, which is totally professional since he’s only been reinstated as coach of Spencer’s field hockey team for about six hours. When he bounces, Spencer turns to her sister all, “You slept with him?!” And Spencer’s sister is like, “He’s my only ex-boyfriend you’re not currently boning, so.”

Mr. Gilbert Blythe has driven his coach-and-four to the Rosewood town square where young Lady Aria awaits. He dismounts his steed when he catches sight of her, points his finger to the grimy window in the rear where someone has written the words I see you. “Someone saw us!” Mr. Gilbert Blythe surmises. For in that very buggy, Mr. Gilbert Blythe and Lady Aria went at it the night prior. Lady Aria explains that “I see you” can mean many different things on many different levels at various points along the space-time continuum. And the literal words out of Mr. Blythe’s mouth are thus: “I see you? It’s not ‘wash me.’ It’s not ‘go sharks.’ It’s very specific.”

Guys. It’s very specific.

Emily sits down for a meal with her family. She has lost her appetite on account of homicide, but her mom shoves a casserole in her face anyway, while her dad says he doesn’t want her driving if she’s stressed. Maybe her boyfriend Ben can give her a ride, Sergent Fields, suggests, if he’s not out with Fenrir Greyback and the rest of the gang. Emily explains that she and Ben are “sort of really over.” Sergent Fields bristles, thinking she’s traded Ben for Boo. He wonders which is better: a werewolf or vampire – and makes a note to call his old police academy buddy Charlie Swan to discuss it tomorrow.

Emily’s mom says the streets are safer with Boo behind bars, forcing Emily to explain the presumption of innocence to her mother for about the six hundredth time. Sergent Fields says, “Guilty or not, he’s better off with the police than wandering around on his own.” Which makes exactly zero sense.

“Dad, we live in Pennsylvania; there isn’t going to be a hurricane today.” “Hurricane or not, you’re better off wearing this raincoat than wandering around naked.” “Dad, I’m driving, not  taking an airplane.” “Airplane or not, you’re better off shouldering this parachute than choking to death on eggs.” Dad, there are no terrorists in that building.” “Terrorists or not, you’re better off throwing a bomb than trying to get a splinter out of your foot without some help.”

At the hospital, the girls hold an “A” Summit. Spencer is all “Ro-boy-ro-boy-ro-boy!” until Hanna explains that the first thing she saw when she went a-spyin’ last night was Aria getting into a car in the Forbidden Forest. Hanna and Aria look at each other and then at the ground and at the ceiling and out the window and into the hall and at Spencer and at Emily and then back at each other and then at the bed, the ceiling again, the floor. Finally Aria says it was “Ezra Fitz’s” car, and whoo boy! Does Spencer ever leap from her chair at that news: “Mr. Fitz?!”

They hash out the details of Aria and Gil’s affair – “Since Labor Day?!” – and Aria sniffs indignintaly and says, “I didn’t just get into his car last night; who do you think I am?” I’m not the kind of girl who has a one-night stand with a teacher, OK? If I’m going to get into a statutory situation, I’m going to make damn sure it’s prison-worthy. (Guilty or not, Mr. Blythe, you’re better off with the police than wandering around on your own.”)

After everyone has settled down, Hanna drops the bomb that “A” is Noel Kahn, former sunscreen model. Aria and Emily are skeptical: “Mr. Banana Boat? Surely not!” But Spencer’s greedy little fists need a new theory to cling to since her Boo Radley Van Cullen hypothesis was proven wrong, and she’s jumps on board the Noel Guilt Train with no hesitation.

As if summoned by their sleuthing, Mr. Banana Boat shows up at the hospital with either a really cute teddy bear or a nanny-cam. Aria shuffles him out into the hall and shines a light in his eyes and stomps her little hobbit foot, demanding to know: “Where were you last night between the hours of Mona and Murder?!” He says he was with Hanna’s penisless boyfriend, Ken Doll, and that he and Aria need to talk. She agrees, shiftily, and sends him on his coconut-scented way.

Back at Fields Fortress, the sergeant and his missus cuddle on the couch and discuss the fate of their much-beloved, much-traumatized daughter. Mrs. Fields weaves a yarn of circumlocution around her husband like nothing I’ve ever seen: “What’s going on with Emily? She makes good grades, maintains good standing in her extra-curricular activities. She’s not moody or aloof like every other teenager on the planet. But something must be wrong. She didn’t eat lunch. Could it be that one of her best friends got smashed by a car yesterday? Or that one of her other friends was the victim of a grisly, unsolved homicide a year ago? Or, even: Could it be that one of her classmates lost her eyesight in a firecracker catastrophe and returned to Rosweood as an android? No, that can’t be it. It must be something else. Something worse. Something abominable. Something homo-homo-homo-oh, home. I’ve got to vacuum you.”

Sgt. Fields says, “If you want Emily to answer a question, ask her a question.” And Ms. Fields snaps, “YOU ask her a question; I’ve got to go brood over some mysterious photos from Anonymous that arrived before you came home from war!”

Mona stops by the hospital to wave a bra around because it’s the international peace symbol (true, actually) and give Hanna a makeover. Mona says she almost feels guilty that Hanna is in the hospital because if she hadn’t un-invited Hanna to Camp Mona when she heard that Hanna had liposuction, Hanna wouldn’t have had to skulk around on the edges of the party where the monster truck races were happening. Hanna’s view of friendship has been so skewed by constant torture from Alison and “A” that she actually goes, “Oh, you don’t have anything to feel guilty about.” And so, with her conscience cleared, Mona goes on over to the nursery to punch some babies in the face.

Meanwhile, Aria, Spencer and Emily talk some more about how all their “clues” add up to “A” being Noel Kahn. Spencer says the words “means,” “motive” and “opportunity” right out loud like she just finished watching a Law & Order marathon.

Back at Rosewood Hospital for Incurably Daft Detectives, Lucas the Yearbook Serf takes advantage of the all-hours, no-security visiting policy to sneak in and kiss Hanna on the head. The music says it’s sweet. I say it’s creepy as shit. Sneak into my room like that at night and you will have a beagle-teeth-shaped chunk missing from your face forever. The next day, Hana suggests that it would be thriftier to move her to a shared room, but Ms. Marin clutches wads of dollars behind her back and says that as God as her witness they will never have to buy generic soda to mix with their whiskey ever again.

At school, Noel Kahn tells Aria he saw her and Mr. Fitz snogging each other’s faces off at Camp Mona, but he is under the impression that Aria was somehow coerced into the arrangement. Aria’s says, “Au contraire, Ma chérie!” And then she turns her Jedi gaze on him, waves her hand in front of his face: “This is not the illicit affair you are looking for.”

Also looking – and also, inexplicably, all-seeing – is JennaBot. She sits in the hallway and listens as Emily phones Prison. Emily asks to speak to Boo, but Prison says he’s indisposed at the moment, but can they take a message? As Emily hangs up, JennaBot springs to her feet and uses her Infrared Distance Sensor to gauge exactly where Emily’s grill is, so she can get up in it. JennaBot says Prison will never let Emily speak to Boo and even if Prison forgets and actually does put her call through, JennaBot will use her hex inverter to scramble the cell signal, and SO THERE.

Emily goes, “Thinking about a brother having sex with a sister-robot makes me throw up in my mouth.” And Jenna decides right then that Emily will be the next to go.

The Lily Kane filter is on! You know what that means! Alison is visiting Hanna in the hospital! Hanna cuts right through the cryptic bullshit. They’ve been tiptoeing around Alison’s ghost long enough; she wants to know how she went and got herself killed. Alison says the following, “Put your heads together and you’ll figure it out, but then lie about figuring it out because the truth will get you killed. And speaking of killed, I’ve got to do something about ‘A.'”

Mr. Blythe and Aria talk about how they’re miserable, but they’re not going backwards, and they’re not going to hide, but they’re going to have to hide. Aria says, “If you had it to do over again, knowing what you know now – knowing that one day I would show up at school wearing a leopard print jacket over a purple camisole – would you still have made out with me in that bar?” Gilbert replies in the affirmative. “It doesn’t matter to me that you’re color-blind under-age,” he says.

Emily lounges on her bed and explains to Maya over the phone that the girl-kissing is on hold because of Hanna getting half-murdered and all. Emily confesses to missing her, but hangs up speedy quick when she realizes her dad is creeping in the doorway like some kind of Van Cullen. He talks real low and gravely and threateningly about how he’s not threatening, and then he threatens to beat up every hypothetical boy in Rosewood. (Good news on that front, Sgt. Fields! You won’t have to beat up any boys!) He gets even more menacing and says Emily just needs to tell him what she’s afraid of.

Emily: I’m not afraid of Toby.

Sgt. Fields: You’re afraid of something; I can see it in your eyes. Now tell me.

Emily: I’m afraid of you and mom.

Sgt. Fields: Why are you afraid of us?

Emily: Because … I’m not who you think I am.

Sgt. Fields: You’re Emily Fields. You’re my little girl. I’ve got a picture of you in my wallet. I’d recognize you anywhere.

Emily: I’m eight years old in that picture. That’s a different girl.

Sgt. Fields: You’re the same girl. I just need a new picture.

Emily: It’s not that simple.

Sgt. Fields: Emmy … 

Emily: I’m … gay. I’m gay.

Sgt. Fields plops down on her bed and Emily tells herself it’s OK to start breathing again.

And I can’t believe they really did it! I can’t believe they gave her a label and let her say it out loud and didn’t make her sneak around and “experiment”! She’s just a normal girl! A normal gay girl! And she’s sixteen years old and maybe her parents will disapprove or maybe they won’t, but she didn’t care! She stuck that Sorting Hat on her head and it said Gryffindor and she just came right out to her hard-nosed military dad! Bravo, ABC Family! Bravo! This slow clap is for you!

Regular ol’ straight girls – though I confess: I’m shipping it! – Aria and Spencer take a walk in the woods and talk about how self-destructive/hot it is to date Gilbert Blythe. They’re looking for the “Ian + Alison” tree, but when they reach its home in the Forbidden Forest, it has been chopped down. Spencer falls to the ground and shakes her fist at the sky, “DAMN YOU, RISEN MITTEN!”

At Fields Fortress, Emily’s dad tries to explain to Emily’s mom that his theory was true: He asked, Emily told. And since DADT is over now, they don’t have to make Emily sleep in the yard with the rest of the murderers and homos and hooligans and who knows what all creepsters in Rosewood. Emily’s mom stomps around in her Keds and says that this is not the life-plan she planned for Emily. It’s a life-ruiner, OK? Girls kissing girls will RUIN YOUR LIFE. Sgt Fields is like, “That’s not true. I mean, there’s Ellen. And also, it’s better than the other things we thought. At least she’s not pregnant with a werewolf cub. Or a vampire baby. My friend Charlie Swan says that can be a real pain in the ass. Incubating a vampire.”

Emily’s mom growls, “John McCain said this is what was going to happen!” And then she clomps right out of the room.

Emily listens from the stairs. It’s been a rough few days for that little lamb.

At the hospital, the PLLs discover that “A” came calling when Hanna was asleep. And, guys, that bitch signed Hanna’s cast. She SIGNED Hanna’s CAST. “Sorry I lost my temper. Love, A.”

This is my favorite part of every episode. Spencer shouts, “WHO WROTE THAT?” Emily screams, “DID SOMEONE COME IN HERE WHEN YOU WERE ASLEEP?” Aria covers her face with her hands. Hanna bellows, “WIPE IT OFF! I DON’T KNOW! GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME!”

And in an unnamed fireplace in an undisclosed location, the Risen Mitten sets fire to the “Ian + Alison” Log of Love.

Welcome back, Pretty Little Liars. God, I missed you.

You guys killed it with the #BooRadleyVanCullen Tweets last night. Check out a sample of the hilarity on the next page!

Next week: I spy Maya!

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