Even ABC Family’s official episode descriptions of Pretty Little Liars are a delight. This is how my DVR describes “Moments Later”: “Everyone must deal with the aftermath of what happened at Camp Mona!”
The aftermath. of what happened. at Camp. Mona.(!) I mean, even working backwards from that one sentence, with no prior knowledge, you know it’s going to be awesome. There was something called Camp Mona. And Camp Mona was a glamping trip in which teenage girls wore matching hoodies and flitted around the woods like fairies getting mani/pedis and visiting the BlowMe Station. And something happened there. And that something was: a) Aria skipped out on the party to makeout with Mr. Gilbert Blythe in his car while a disembodied hand wrote on the back window, “I see what you’re doing in there, yes I do, I see it.” b) Emily and Spencer traipsed off in the dark and discovered a tree carving that said “Ian + Alison.” c) “A” plowed over Hanna with his/her car.
And now there’s going to be some aftermath, which is my all-time favorite kind of math.
Rosewood Emergency Services tend to Hanna while every camper at Camp Mona gawks and whispers and wonders WTF. Mona, herself, slithers over and says, “Is that Hanna? That is the ugliest effing neck brace I have ever seen.” And off the ambulance drives into the night, the PLLs scampering along behind it, howling to beat the band.
At the hospital, Hanna’s mom tells the PLLs that Hanna has several broken bones, some bruised ribs, and the doctors might have to remove her spleen. (Does anyone know what a spleen actually does?) (Well, hell. I looked it up on Web M.D. and now I’m pretty sure I have spleen cancer.) Aria wants to borrow some money for the coffee machine, but Ms. Marin shrugs and says, “Sorry, honey, I was on my way home from burgling when I got the call about Hanna; I didn’t have time to stop and make change.”
She asks the PLLs what happened — uh, Camp Mona happened; didn’t you read the episode description? — and Spencer jumps right in with some of her standard Scooby logic: “Like wow, Ms. Marin. The goonie ghost tried to kill her! And by goonie ghost I mean “Boo Radley Van Cullen!” Ms. Marin sighs and says the Roswood PD picked up ol’ goonie ghost last night when he was skulking around a graveyard whimpering about incest and robots. She tells the girls to go home, and Spencer says, “It sure would help if we could find another clue!”
Seriously, though, this is their conversation — verbatim.
Emily: Do you think “A” was just trying to scare us?
Aria: Well, it worked.
Spencer: This was never about scaring us! That was just a bonus! I mean, this started with murder; we were crazy to think it wouldn’t end up like this!
(Copy and paste that dialogue into an email and send it to every person you know who isn’t watching this show. It is your duty. “That was just a bonus!”)
After Spencer explains that they’re in a slasher flick, they all go off their separate ways and leave their best friend alone in the hospital. Because what’s true in horror movies is true in real life: When a known killer is on the loose, you’re much less likely to get murdered when you wander around in the dark, BY YOURSELF.
Back at home, Spencer is completely dismayed to find Ian frolicking with his shirt unbuttoned like some kind of Hanes commercial up in there. He says he’s canceling practice tomorrow, which is totally professional since he’s only been reinstated as coach of Spencer’s field hockey team for about six hours. When he bounces, Spencer turns to her sister all, “You slept with him?!” And Spencer’s sister is like, “He’s my only ex-boyfriend you’re not currently boning, so.”
Mr. Gilbert Blythe has driven his coach-and-four to the Rosewood town square where young Lady Aria awaits. He dismounts his steed when he catches sight of her, points his finger to the grimy window in the rear where someone has written the words I see you. “Someone saw us!” Mr. Gilbert Blythe surmises. For in that very buggy, Mr. Gilbert Blythe and Lady Aria went at it the night prior. Lady Aria explains that “I see you” can mean many different things on many different levels at various points along the space-time continuum. And the literal words out of Mr. Blythe’s mouth are thus: “I see you? It’s not ‘wash me.’ It’s not ‘go sharks.’ It’s very specific.”
Guys. It’s very specific.