“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.07): The devil has a name and it’s Boo Radley van Cullen

At school, Emily tracks down Maya to warn her that the photo of them kissing is probably going to be seen by a lot of people. Maya goes, “Look. Emily. If any other girl in the world had a photo of me and her kissing — you know what? Let’s get specific. If Heather Hogan had a photo of me and her kissing, she would immediately make it her Twitter profile photo, her Facebook profile photo, her Google profile photo, her AfterEllen.com writer profile photo. She would frame it and put it beside her bed. She would set it as the desktop background on all her laptops. She would make ten thousand copies and drop them out of a an airplane over her town with a note attached telling people to visit www.biancalawsonkissingheatherhogan.com to download a high-res version. If you’re worried, that’s your problem.”

Emily apologizes about taking Boo to the dance. She tells Maya she misses her and that she really wants to make a go of it. Maya is like, “How do I know you won’t flake on me again?” Emily says, “You don’t. But this isn’t 90210, so we definitely have a better chance at Sapphic bliss than Rumer Willis.”

Spencer makes up with her peasant boyfriend Alex, who agrees to go on a date with her if he can be in charge of everything. Then he breaks plans because he has to work. Spencer totally doesn’t believe him, so she drives over to the club in a huff, which is like my favorite thing ever. I love it when people get mad about something imaginary, and they get in their car to go do something about it, and the whole time that they’re on their way to wherever they’re going they have these fights in their head with the other person, like, “Oh, you had to work? Well guess what? I went to the club and you weren’t there! Who is she Alex? Who are you boning behind my back?!”

Only Alex is there and he is working. Spencer puts on a hairnet and offers to help him and they have a little giggle about melon balls and the whole Bourgeoisie/Proletariat thing. Spencer is having a good ol’ time helping the help until she stumbles on a photo of herself in which someone has drawn devil horns. She’s like, “So this is what poor people think of me?” Alex goes, “Yeah, and at that Homecoming dance your sister took one look at me and thought I was there to buff the BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA. So what?”

Spencer leaves.

She comes back, though, because, I mean, if Spencer’s family was your family, wouldn’t you rather live in a kitchen like Ratatouille than go home? She wonders if Alex might spare a little of the dinner he’s cooking. He says he can, indeed, spare a little dinner and also he can spare some of his twirling and thrusting. They dirty dance near an open flame and my roommate goes, “It’s all fun and sex until someone catches on fire.” (Ask JennaBot! ZING!)

Emily takes her BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA for a spin by the van Cullen’s place where everything is slow-mo. Boo’s motorcycle is crushed. JennaBot is crying on the front porch.

Back at Emily’s, Spencer and Hanna comfort her. They say it’s OK to be sad, but maybe it’s for the best because obviously Boo was “A.”

Except, no he wasn’t.

Emily’s phone beeps and guess who? “Thanks for slaying that vampire for me. – A”

And somewhere on the Rosewood River, the Risen Mitten retrieves The Top Secret van Cullen Therapy file from the water. Boo? Boo ya! I’m sorry, Pretty Little Liars, but your Princess is in another castle.

Want to play along with the PLL recap next week? Tweet me (@hhoagie) or use our hash tag #BooRadleyVanCullen (!!!)

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