“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.07): The devil has a name and it’s Boo Radley van Cullen

Hanna, meanwhile, has donned her Homecoming dress again, and fixed her hair exactly as it was last night at the dance. She and Ken Doll are supposed to get their photo retaken for the yearbook because of how she was solemnly up to no good during last night’s presentation. Cute Lucas, who wants to lose his virginity to Hanna so bad, is the one taking the photo. He’s got the yearbook room all set up with the backdrop and the Homecoming crowns laid out on their little pillows. Hanna picks hers up and says, “It’s so small.” And Cute Lucas says he can make it bigger. Hanna is like, “No, it’s like really small.” And Cute Lucas snaps back, “It’s not the size that counts, it’s how — oh, you’re talking about the crown?”

Ken Doll shows up late and pantsless whinging about how how he needs to get to his basketball game. He doesn’t want to smile or touch Hanna because he’s gay mad at her for ditching him at the dance. She explains again about how Emily was attacked by a vampire, but Ken isn’t hearing it.

After the photos, Ken Doll storms off to go play basketball — which should be interesting since his arms don’t bend — and Hanna and Cute Lucas watch YouTube videos and touch their hands together on accident. And then, for some inexplicable reason, they start talking about how “A” was the most evil Queen B in all the land, and how the PLLs kind of made his life hell last year. Bonekill, Cute Lucas! Why’d you bring her up? Oh my God, don’t be “A,” Cute Lucas! Dammit, you can’t trust anyone on this show!

Emily wakes up in her room and she’s kind of disoriented: the huge wolf sitting by her bed is blurry and upside down. Wait — huge wolf?

More terrifying than even the wolf is JennaBot, who is standing in the doorway. She goes, “I can tell you’re awake, Emily. My voluntary muscle analyzer has detected that your REM cycle just dropped from Five to Zero.”

Emily’s mom comes in and says she told JennaBot that Emily was asleep, but JennaBot smashed in the door with her bare fists and set the couch on fire with her laser eyes — and she made cookies. JennaBot sends Emily’s mom to fetch some milk.

JennaBot tells her wolf, whose name I don’t catch — C.H.O.M.P.S. probably — to have a seat because mommy has some business to discuss. The business is thus: JennaBot needs Boo’s file, which she knows the PLLs have stolen, because if the police read it, Boo will go to jail forever. I don’t — Rosewood’s legal system boggles the mind. Steal a car? Slap on the wrist. Drop someone off at the emergency room? Life in prison.

Emily says she doesn’t know where the file is, and JennaBot says, “Well let me tell you what I know — everything. Now get me that goddamn file.”

The file, at present, is speeding its way through the Forbidden Forest in a Mercedes. When it arrives at its destination, Hanna, Spencer and Aria hop out and squabble about whether or not they should really go through with Operation: Destruction.

Hanna’s like, “Look, my mom has already gotten me off of several petty crime charges via the means of prostitution. I’m not sure she’s going to sleep with a therapist too.” Aria gets locked on about the petty crimes. She wonders if Hanna can steal her a pair of Gucci sunglasses too. And Spencer just shuts the whole thing down by screeching, “THE DEVIL HAS A NAME AND IT’S TOBY!”

I know I make a lot of dialogue up in these recaps, but those were Spencer’s exact words. And they were glorious.

Hanna wants to burn the file, but Aria just slaps it out of her hand and they watch it float down the river, satisfied that no gloved hands will show up in the credits to collect it and use the information for its own nefarious purposes.

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