Ain’t no party like a gloved hand party ’cause a gloved hand party don’t stop! You thought A’s Risen Mitten had maxed out on sinister when it painted the Rosewood population sign down one person? Oh ho – no, my friends! A’s Risen Mitten stirs the waters of the Bermuda Triangle. A’s Risen Mitten snapped the photos from Loch Ness. A’s Risen Mitten pulled the trigger on JFK. A’s Risen Mitten scattered the Roanoke Colony, inked the shroud of Turin, snatched Hoffa’s body, and caused the Big Bang with a single clap. A’s Risen Mitten controls the flow of the Rosewood River and from within its depths she has summoned and retrieved – wait for it – Boo Radley van Cullen’s file … from his therapist.
I conducted an informal Twitter poll before last night’s episode because I want to know who you think is the prettiest Pretty Little Liar. Answers were mixed, but Spencer and Gilbert Blythe had the strongest showing.
Of course, not everyone could participate.
And not everyone wanted to.
So now I am going to conduct a formal, fully-sanctioned poll.
Results in next week’s recap!
When last we left our PLLs, Boo Radley van Cullen was trying to explain to Emily that – much like Marsha and Greg Brady before him – he had partaken from the fruit of the tree of step-siblings. Unfortunately, the thumping of 2AM Club’s “Let Me Down Easy” had dulled her hearing, so when Boo Radley van Cullen ran after her and shouted, “Slow down, Emily, it’s only incest!” She heard, “Come back here, Emily, so I can murder you!”
Hanna, Aria and Spencer are frantically calling for Emily. Aria tells Spencer to stay behind while they go vampire hunting, but Spencer is a Hermione Granger-alike in book-smarts only. She’s a Ravenclaw. Not a Gryffindor. She is a coward, is what I am saying. And she refuses to stay alone. The chemistry classroom shows signs of a scuffle. Emily is not answering her phone. Where could she be, they wonder. Where could she be?
Why, she’s in the backseat of Boo Radley van Cullen’s car. And she’s bleeding. So is he, but it doesn’t matter as much because Emily’s face is prettier and Boo sleeps with a blind robot.
Opening credits. Have we talked about how much I love these opening credits? I love these opening credits.
Morning. Rosewood. The camera caresses the BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA, which has found its way to Emliy’s house in the middle of the night. (This town is FULL of DARK MAGIC.) Also at Emily’s house? Every able-bodied officer in the Rosewood Police force because in Pennsylvania, it seems, when a teenager falls down and bumps her noggin, the National Guard gets involved.
Aria and Spencer are explaining to Emily – again, apparently – about Jenna and Boo’s Oedipal love, and how the documented existence of such sexual shenanigans is proof that Boo killed A and buried her in Maya’s backyard. Emily is like, “I get that I’m concussed, but you know who solves crimes better than you? Inspector Gadget.” Spencer, who pings from sexy to shrill all over this episode, covers her ears and stomps her feet about how she’s right, she’s right, she’s right, she’s right! Boo is the killer, Boo is the killer, Boo is the killer!
Hanna hops up in there, all, “BEE-YOO-TE-FUL TOYOTA in your yard, Emily!” And she pulls Boo Radley van Cullen’s therapy file out of her bra while explaining that only half the town’s cops are outside of Emily’s house. The other half are at Boo’s therapist’s office.
Spencer looks at Aria’s big brown pleading eyes and goes, “OK, one more Scooby Snack.” She tosses it up affectionately. Aria nips it out of the air. And then they bounce to the Mystery Machine because they heard something creepy was going on up at Old Man Withers’ place.
Outside, the Rosewood cop explains to Emily’s mom that Emily didn’t go to homecoming with her boyfriend. At first Emily’s mom thinks, OK, it was a full moon; maybe Ben was out of Wolfsbane Potion. But then the cop is all, “The school’s guest list says she went with Boo Radley van Cullen.” Emily’s mom acts like he just said “Lord Voldemort” right out loud. Her eyes bug out of her head and she’s like, “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named must not be named in my yard! What will my neighbors think?!”
I cannot wait until Emily’s mom finds out it’s not Boo that Emily likes, but Boobs.
Inside, Hanna and Emily have the sweetest little coming out conversation.
Emily: Why did you think I would take Maya to the dance?
Hanna: What?
Emily: You thought I wanted her as my date. Why?
Hanna: “A” sent me a picture of you and Maya kissing. So, can I just ask – You took Toby to the dance, but then you took that picture with Maya?
Emily: I think I know what I want. But if I say yes to Maya, everything would change. You know it would.
Hanna: Yeah, it would. You wouldn’t have to pretend you’re someone you’re not.
Emily: But what if I’m wrong. What if I’m not … that person?
Hanna: Emily, you’re not signing a contract. You were Emily dating Ben and now you’re Emily dating Maya. We love Emily. No one cares who you’re with.
Dr. Seuss said kind of the same thing – Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind – and that’s a really cool sentiment, but also sometimes the people who mind are the people who matter most. And that’s hard.
Hanna tucks Boo’s file back down her shirt and says she’ll just stuff it into her locker until they decide what to do with it, which is almost as dumb as what they actually decide to do with it.
Emily’s mom comes upstairs, takes away her phone and is like, “I’ll just be sitting in this chair, watching you sleep.” Which: Alarmingly like a vampire, Mrs. Emily.
Where in the world is Mr. Gilbert Blythe? I don’t know and neither does Aria. We miss his pretty face. Aria calls and gets his machine. She leaves a message all, “Hi, this is Aria from second period English Lit. Also it’s Aria your girlfriend.” Ah, the things that are admissible in the court of law. In the middle of the brawl between her parents, someone sends Aria a package. I was kind of hoping it was from “A,” and that it contained, like, a package of replacement robot eyeballs or something.
Alas, it’s a box of flowers, and they’re not even from Gil; they’re from Ken Doll: Thanks for dancing with me at Homecoming while our significant others continued to work their way toward prison. Maybe we can hang out sometime and not have sex. Real Love Waits! xo, Ken.”
Aria accosts him in the hall the next day and tells him never to send her flowers again. “You don’t have genitals, Ken!” Then she breaks into Gilbert Blythe’s apartment and overhears a message that he has applied for a job in another school district. (OMG, just like in Anne of Avonlea!)
Hanna, meanwhile, has donned her Homecoming dress again, and fixed her hair exactly as it was last night at the dance. She and Ken Doll are supposed to get their photo retaken for the yearbook because of how she was solemnly up to no good during last night’s presentation. Cute Lucas, who wants to lose his virginity to Hanna so bad, is the one taking the photo. He’s got the yearbook room all set up with the backdrop and the Homecoming crowns laid out on their little pillows. Hanna picks hers up and says, “It’s so small.” And Cute Lucas says he can make it bigger. Hanna is like, “No, it’s like really small.” And Cute Lucas snaps back, “It’s not the size that counts, it’s how – oh, you’re talking about the crown?”
Ken Doll shows up late and pantsless whinging about how how he needs to get to his basketball game. He doesn’t want to smile or touch Hanna because he’s gay mad at her for ditching him at the dance. She explains again about how Emily was attacked by a vampire, but Ken isn’t hearing it.
After the photos, Ken Doll storms off to go play basketball – which should be interesting since his arms don’t bend – and Hanna and Cute Lucas watch YouTube videos and touch their hands together on accident. And then, for some inexplicable reason, they start talking about how “A” was the most evil Queen B in all the land, and how the PLLs kind of made his life hell last year. Bonekill, Cute Lucas! Why’d you bring her up? Oh my God, don’t be “A,” Cute Lucas! Dammit, you can’t trust anyone on this show!
Emily wakes up in her room and she’s kind of disoriented: the huge wolf sitting by her bed is blurry and upside down. Wait – huge wolf?
More terrifying than even the wolf is JennaBot, who is standing in the doorway. She goes, “I can tell you’re awake, Emily. My voluntary muscle analyzer has detected that your REM cycle just dropped from Five to Zero.”
Emily’s mom comes in and says she told JennaBot that Emily was asleep, but JennaBot smashed in the door with her bare fists and set the couch on fire with her laser eyes – and she made cookies. JennaBot sends Emily’s mom to fetch some milk.
JennaBot tells her wolf, whose name I don’t catch – C.H.O.M.P.S. probably – to have a seat because mommy has some business to discuss. The business is thus: JennaBot needs Boo’s file, which she knows the PLLs have stolen, because if the police read it, Boo will go to jail forever. I don’t – Rosewood’s legal system boggles the mind. Steal a car? Slap on the wrist. Drop someone off at the emergency room? Life in prison.
Emily says she doesn’t know where the file is, and JennaBot says, “Well let me tell you what I know – everything. Now get me that goddamn file.”
The file, at present, is speeding its way through the Forbidden Forest in a Mercedes. When it arrives at its destination, Hanna, Spencer and Aria hop out and squabble about whether or not they should really go through with Operation: Destruction.
Hanna’s like, “Look, my mom has already gotten me off of several petty crime charges via the means of prostitution. I’m not sure she’s going to sleep with a therapist too.” Aria gets locked on about the petty crimes. She wonders if Hanna can steal her a pair of Gucci sunglasses too. And Spencer just shuts the whole thing down by screeching, “THE DEVIL HAS A NAME AND IT’S TOBY!”
I know I make a lot of dialogue up in these recaps, but those were Spencer’s exact words. And they were glorious.
Hanna wants to burn the file, but Aria just slaps it out of her hand and they watch it float down the river, satisfied that no gloved hands will show up in the credits to collect it and use the information for its own nefarious purposes.
At school, Emily tracks down Maya to warn her that the photo of them kissing is probably going to be seen by a lot of people. Maya goes, “Look. Emily. If any other girl in the world had a photo of me and her kissing – you know what? Let’s get specific. If Heather Hogan had a photo of me and her kissing, she would immediately make it her Twitter profile photo, her Facebook profile photo, her Google profile photo, her AfterEllen.com writer profile photo. She would frame it and put it beside her bed. She would set it as the desktop background on all her laptops. She would make ten thousand copies and drop them out of a an airplane over her town with a note attached telling people to visit www.biancalawsonkissingheatherhogan.com to download a high-res version. If you’re worried, that’s your problem.”
Emily apologizes about taking Boo to the dance. She tells Maya she misses her and that she really wants to make a go of it. Maya is like, “How do I know you won’t flake on me again?” Emily says, “You don’t. But this isn’t 90210, so we definitely have a better chance at Sapphic bliss than Rumer Willis.”
Spencer makes up with her peasant boyfriend Alex, who agrees to go on a date with her if he can be in charge of everything. Then he breaks plans because he has to work. Spencer totally doesn’t believe him, so she drives over to the club in a huff, which is like my favorite thing ever. I love it when people get mad about something imaginary, and they get in their car to go do something about it, and the whole time that they’re on their way to wherever they’re going they have these fights in their head with the other person, like, “Oh, you had to work? Well guess what? I went to the club and you weren’t there! Who is she Alex? Who are you boning behind my back?!”
Only Alex is there and he is working. Spencer puts on a hairnet and offers to help him and they have a little giggle about melon balls and the whole Bourgeoisie/Proletariat thing. Spencer is having a good ol’ time helping the help until she stumbles on a photo of herself in which someone has drawn devil horns. She’s like, “So this is what poor people think of me?” Alex goes, “Yeah, and at that Homecoming dance your sister took one look at me and thought I was there to buff the BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA. So what?”
Spencer leaves.
She comes back, though, because, I mean, if Spencer’s family was your family, wouldn’t you rather live in a kitchen like Ratatouille than go home? She wonders if Alex might spare a little of the dinner he’s cooking. He says he can, indeed, spare a little dinner and also he can spare some of his twirling and thrusting. They dirty dance near an open flame and my roommate goes, “It’s all fun and sex until someone catches on fire.” (Ask JennaBot! ZING!)
Emily takes her BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA for a spin by the van Cullen’s place where everything is slow-mo. Boo’s motorcycle is crushed. JennaBot is crying on the front porch.
Back at Emily’s, Spencer and Hanna comfort her. They say it’s OK to be sad, but maybe it’s for the best because obviously Boo was “A.”
Except, no he wasn’t.
Emily’s phone beeps and guess who? “Thanks for slaying that vampire for me. – A”
And somewhere on the Rosewood River, the Risen Mitten retrieves The Top Secret van Cullen Therapy file from the water. Boo? Boo ya! I’m sorry, Pretty Little Liars, but your Princess is in another castle.
Want to play along with the PLL recap next week? Tweet me (@hhoagie) or use our hash tag #BooRadleyVanCullen (!!!)
