“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.06): Emily the Vampire Slayer


Maya shows up at the dance and sees Emily with Boo Radley van Cullen. As I mentioned previously, Maya is not entirely unfamiliar with the concept of someone getting all up in her nut and crackin’ it. Unlike the vampire slayer (or even the hip-hop diva) of yore, however, Maya decides to go the actual teenage girl route with this one: She walks to the corner of the dance floor and cries. (My sister spent two entire proms crying in the bathroom. I spent two entire proms going, “You know what would be better than this dress and these tiny finger foods? Jeans and a giant f-cking cheeseburger.”)

The PLLs pull Emily aside and are like, “Explain how it’s OK that you brought the guy who watched us open up a flamethrower on his sister’s head.” Emily is like, “Hanna said I could bring whomever I wanted! It’s like the rules of feminism!” Hanna pulls her aside and says, “I said you could bring a lesbian, not a vampire!”

Emily marches right over to Maya’s crying corner and demands to know what Maya told Hanna about them. Maya insists she didn’t say anything, and Emily is like, “Hanna just said she knows what I am, and I told her to say it, out loud. And she said, ‘gaymo.’ She knows!” Maya says Hanna is the one who invited her, and stop dodging the real issue. Emily doesn’t know what the real issue is because she hasn’t been schooled just yet in Lesbianism 101. Maya gives her the Cliff’s notes version: “We need to talk about our FEELINGS.”

Maya says if Emily can look her in the eye and say she doesn’t want her like whoa, she’ll walk away. Emily cannot.

Man. I was all set for Maya to be “A,” but she’s being so super sweet to Emily that I don’t want that anymore. I love sweet. I am sweet. I am hopelessly attracted to people who are sweet — but damn, I want to see Bianca Lawson get feisty. Like unstrap that jazz guitar from her back and whack it into some slaying stakes feisty. Like team up with the Quileute tribe feisty. 

Hanna decides she has to break into JennaBot’s therapist’s office right this second to get the proof that Boo Radley van Cullen is evil. Lucas the Ugly Duckling gives her a ride to the doctor’s office. Meanwhile, Mr. Gilbert Blythe sees Aria dancing and having herself a good ol’ time with someone her own age. And Spencer and Alex pay a visit to Professor Trelawney, who tells them in no uncertain terms that The Grim will be claiming Emily’s life within the next half hour.

I think this is a perfect time to give you M. Novobilsky‘s Tweet of the week.

In the middle of the teenage shenanigans and Carnivale commotion, JennaBot sits and registers every sound, every smell. The day is coming and she knows it. She repeats the prophecy to herself: One fortune cookie to rule them all, one fortune cookie to bind them. One fortune cookie to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.

Boo Radley van Cullen convinces Emily to go to with him, all alone, to his dark, dank lair chemistry lab. Once they’re inside, he wonders if she really wants to be at the dance with Maya. She says that maybe she does. And then she’s like, “Why are you so nice to me? You are aware, are you not, that my friends and I tried to snuff your sister?” He closes the door and says, “We’ve all done things we aren’t proud of.”

Hanna returns with the file. The PLLs are shocked. (Shocked!) It wasn’t JennaBot who was seeing the therapist; it was Boo Radley van Cullen! The therapist only wanted to make sure JennaBot was OK with Boo Radley van Cullen moving back home because of how they used to shag one another. The PLLs are like, “Sweet baby cyborg, Boo was bonking a robot!” They realize that his tattoo (901 Free) means that he killed Alison on September first, which means he was free of her. She alone knew of his bionic dalliances!

They try to call Emily, but she doesn’t answer. Aria texts her instead: “Boo killed Alison! We have proof!” Emily reads the text while Boo Radley van Cullen draws closer and closer. He’s trying to tell her something, and, well, she just ain’t hearin’ it! She shoves him into a rack of beakers and makes a run for it. He chases after her. She runs through the house of mirrors thinking that she’s going to die before she ever even sees Maya naked. Boo reaches for Emily. Emily trips.

And somewhere on the outskirts of town, a gloved hand spray paints over the population signs. 7,988 Rosewoodians? No, my friends. 7,987.

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