“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.06): Emily the Vampire Slayer

At school, the PLLs catch a glimpse of Boo Radley van Cullen’s skin and notice that he has a tattoo that says “901 Free.” They throw their hands in the air and run around and squeal and hop up and down and fall on the floor and scream about how sinister it is.

Hanna is going with Ken Doll to Homecoming, but first they have to go to their Real Love Waits meeting where some truly effective role play is going down. One guy and one girl stand in the middle of the circle of trust, and the girl goes, “I am a whore because I want to make monkey. Let’s do that now.” And the guy has to rebuff her, like, “Jesus doesn’t want us to make monkey until we are legally betrothed.”

Hanna gets dragged into role play with Lucas the Ugly Duckling. She’s like, “Blah blah want to do me right?” And Lucas the Ugly Duckling explains to the teacher that his virginity might as well be guarded by Yu-Gi-Oh’s mythic five-headed dragon because no one as hot as Hanna is ever going to proposition him. The teacher tells them to try again. Hanna says, “So, sex. Do you—” And Lucas the Ugly Duckling goes, “YES!”

Spencer has asked Alex the Country Club Serf to the dance and she wonders if maybe she should rig the raffle so he can win the BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA because is a pauper. He shows up at the party planning committee and tells Spencer he wants to buy a new suit to match her dress, and she’s like, “Don’t be silly. I know you are poor. The burlap pants and shirt you wear to public school will be just fine.” You know what else is weird about public school, apparently? They don’t teach you about personal space. Alex is all in Spencer’s bubble and then he pulls a stack of Jacksons from his pocket and reaches around and gropes Spencer’s ass to transfer some funds.

Deadria101 said what we were all thinking.

Boo Radley van Cullen has procured himself some tickets to ball as well, and he asks the Lady Emily to accompany him. She’s like, “Don’t emo boys just sit in their rooms and draw comics and listen to The Smiths?” And he’s like, “Yes. But also they like to get laid.” So she agrees to go with him.

Hanna continues her awesome streak by telling Maya that Emily really wants to go to Homecoming with her. Maya is like, “Really? Good. It’s been a while since I slayed a vampire.”

At the dance, the camera lingers over the BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA and the students are like, “OMG! Look at that BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA!” And Spencer’s sister shows up and goes, “I am the former Queen, come to crown one of my minions as the new Que— JFC, is that a BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA?”

And it is. So it is. A BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA.

Also beautiful? Mr. Gilbert Blythe, who gets stuck working the bean bag toss with Aria. They have officially stopped trying to hide their relationship. How else does one explain the volume and the very public locations at which and in which they discuss their unquenchable feelings for one another? No one cares about their sex-scandal though. And who can blame them? For in this very room, there is a boy with an alphanumeric tattoo. Also there is a BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA.

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