“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.06): Emily the Vampire Slayer

 
 

Look me in the eyes and tell me the last two minutes of last night’s Pretty Little Liars isn’t exactly what you’ve been waiting for since the day Serena van der Woodsen confessed to having a coked-out threesome with Georgina Sparks and murdering a dude. Remember where you were when that happened? When Serena’s eyeliner went, “I killed someone.” And the Gossip Girl music went even more mental than normal? And you were like, “That just happened!” But also you were sad because you knew nothing like that was ever going to happen on TV again. Well, you guys, it did! It did happen! Rosewood, PA — Pop. 7,988 7,987.

Let’s do it like we do it.

Aria has been holed up in her house in her pajamas for many, many days (or as I like to call it: Aria is practicing to become a freelance writer), but Homecoming is just around the corner and no teenager should be allowed to escape the trauma inflicted upon her by a formal dance. So the PLLs rally around and say things like, “Stop moping just because your parents are destroying the only sense of stability you’ve ever known!” And, “Who cares if your dad slept with Jody Sawyer from Center Stage and also possibly your dead best friend?” Aria only pretends to care that her dad f–ked the dead girl (Naomi! Zing!); what she’s really upset about is her fight with Gilbert Blythe.

Spencer is like, “You can win a BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA at the dance.” Aria protests that she doesn’t have a date. Emily mentions that she also doesn’t have a date. Naturally, as teenage girls who travel in gaggles are wont to do, someone says Aria could accompany Emily to the dance as her lady friend. Having never spoken to someone who has attended a formal dance — or watched any prom movie, like, ever — Aria doesn’t understand that it is a common practice for single friends to go to dances together. Aria says she’s “not Samantha Ronson” and Emily gets shifty because, much like Samantha Ronson, she may have watched the stripper scenes in I Know Who Killed Me more than once.

Hanna saw the photos of Emily and Maya kissing, remember, and she’s totally awesome about the whole thing. She’s all, “I’m starving; let’s eat. And also, I think anyone should be able to bring anyone they like to the dance because the heart wants what the heart wants.”

Emily is like, “That is a good point, Hanna! I’m going to call and ask someone after all! Does anyone know if vampires use telephones?”

Hanna cracks open a fortune cookie that came with their Chinese takeout. There is a custom-made fortune inside and lo! “A” has truly out-Gossip Girled herself this time: “Lions and tigers and bitches, oh my! There’s no place like Homecoming.”

Tell us about it D. Lopez:

We honor you, “A.” We honor you.

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