“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.05): And the lesbian will lie down with the vampire

Back at his place, they dance the yes-we-can/no-we-can’t dance, with Gil offering real grown-up objections: I do not look good in orange jumpsuits. And Aria offering big brown googly eyes and saying she really, really likes him. Guess who wins? Aria. Big brown googly eyes trump logic every day of the week.

At home, Aria’s parents are in a war over how Aria’s dad cheated on Aria’s mom with Jody Sawyer from Center Stage (and stay tuned for those macros in the weeks to come). I felt a little sad for Aria in this episode, but not as sad as I felt after the episode when MNovoB Tweeted me this little theory:

And you know what’s gross? It makes total sense. Why else would “A” be pushing so hard for Aria to tell her mom about her dad’s affair? It’s like freaking American Beauty over here. Gross, gross, gross, Aria’s dad. You are the grossest mayor of Gross Town, you gross old man.

The next day Aria hops back to Gil’s to get her phone, but it was buzzing off the chain, so Gil took a look and we do we all know who texted? “A.” I guess that Unknown Persons Forcefield only lasts seven days. “A” is all, “You + Wocket in Mr. Gil’s pocket = OTP!” And Gil is like, “Um, you better go. I’ve got to go … look for a new career. And a lawyer.”

Spencer pulls a total Vanessa Abrams and is my favorite this week. She won that Golden Orchid Award — which: dirtiest award name ever — and her dad is so proud of her that he’s actually paying attention to her for five seconds. He wants her to play tennis with him and a client at The Club, so she goes over and practices her serve, which is so awesome that the ball boy falls in immediate love with her.

The day of the match, her dad tells her she has to lose on purpose so he can seal the deal with the client, and Spencer is like, “That’s like asking Hermione Granger to fail her O.W.L.S.! On purpose!” Spencer’s dad is all, “I don’t have time for your witchcraft, Spence.” And so she throws the match. She scowls the whole time, though, so you know she doesn’t like it. After the match, the ball boy is like, “Rich people throw tennis matches all the time here. It’s so weird.” Spencer invites him to a party in her pants, and he accepts.

At home, Spencer’s dad says he almost got the ball boy fired and Spencer goes, “Yeah? WELL I STOLE THAT HISTORY ESSAY!”

Do not try to interrupt Spencer’s pants party with your dirty business dealings, Daddy Warbucks!

And Emily. Sigh. I told you guys not to get your feelings hurt if she fell in love with Edward Cullen, but what I didn’t expect was that the PLL writers were going to throw another literature classic into his personality. We’ve already got Boo Radley. And we’ve got the vampire thing. And this week, he’s all up in Catcher in the Rye, so I guess he’s supposed to be Holden Caulfield too? Shake in a little Jake from The Sun Also Rises and Pretty Little Liars has created a character that will never be out-emoed.

Emily and Toby bond in Chemistry class over their love of music. He says he’ll make her a mix CD. He also says he studies at the one restaurant in Rosewood because of how JennaBot creeps him the hell out, tap, tap, tapping around the house and muttering about the impending doom of humanity. Emily goes to meet Toby at that one restaurant, but Hanna and Spencer are there, so she ignores him.

After Spencer leaves, Hanna tells Emily that if she’s into someone, no matter who it is, she is happy for her. Hanna is, of course, talking about the photobooth photos of Emily and Maya that “A” texted her. Emily thinks she’s talking about Edward, though. Hanna says: “It’s totally cool if you’re a lez-bean.” Emily hears: “It’s totally cool to fall for the guy who saw us set fire to his sister’s face.” Emily gets her mix CD from Toby — with a hand-illustrated cover — and she snuggles up to it in bed.

Next week is homecoming, and I never attended a real life formal dance or watched a teenage ball on TV where someone didn’t leave crying and/or in an ambulance. God willing, we’ll get both of those things next week. And if there’s a werewolf/vampire/robot confrontation that leads to someone else going blind or turning into a zombie? Well, all the better.

Remember! No spoilers in the comments, you who have read the books and you who have looked up Pretty Little Liars on Wackopedia. Don’t make me do something drastic with this firecracker!

Pages: 1 2

Tags: , , ,