“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.04): Say Crack Again

 
 

Her dad calls and says he wants to take her to dinner, and when he shows up — hold onto your hats, daytime fans — he is MIKE HORTON! Her UNCLE from Days of Our Lives! (If Sami Brady makes an appearance in Rosewood and tries to sell a baby on the black market, my circle of adoration for this show will be complete.) Hanna hasn’t seen MIKE HORTON since she “lost the weight.” She wants to impress him so she hopes he doesn’t know about her life of crime and how it has turned her mother into a prostitute. But he does know, at least about the thievery part. He takes her to an amusement park and Hanna decides she wants to spend her summers with him, and she’s going to tell him at dinner the next night. Only, he pulls the classic deadbeat wanker dad move of inviting his fiance and her daughter, Replacement Hanna, to dinner without even telling Hanna he’s engaged.

Over bruschetta, Hanna tells Replacement Hanna that she’s ugly and gross in about 17 different ways, and when Replacement Mom suggests that Replacement Hanna take Real Hanna sailing, Real Hanna fully goes, “To see which one of us comes back?” Replacement Hanna is like, “Was that a joke?” Real Hanna says that yes, it was a joke, and it was an awesome joke, but an equally awesome rejoinder would have been: “No, it is not a joke. I am actually going to drown you.” MIKE HORTON reaches for his doctor’s bag. You don’t get to be the chief of staff at Salem University Hospital without learning how to subdue a psychopath.

Spencer, remember, stole her sister’s paper on the Russian Revolution, and it was so good that her teacher has submitted it to some kind of essay competition, which means national attention, which means oh s–t. But she doesn’t have long to dwell on the fact that plagiarism is going to ruin her life, because her former future-brother-in-law has broken into her house with, like, a ficus tree. And he’s drunk. He English Accents that he’s come to set things right with Spencer and her family, and then he drops the ficus tree on the floor and you know it’s the most dirt the Hastings family kitchen has ever seen. Spencer is like, “Here, let me help you clean that up.” And Wren is like, “I met the wrong sister first.” And they lean in to kiss each other, and the video camera outside the window is like, “Record, record, record.”

At Rosewood High, Aria tells Mr. Blythe that her friends think he has sexy legs, and he actually goes, “What do you think?” They agree that “whatever is going on between” them is “not smart” but Mr. Blythe invites Aria to his apartment anyway to cook one of the two dishes that won’t poison them. Aria, powerless against his boyish charm, agrees. While she’s lying to her mom about going to Spencer’s she flashes back to that scene where her dad is stupidly making out with his mistress in the backseat of a car, but the flashback continues this time and Alison is like, “If you don’t tell your mom, I will. If your dad has sex with another woman, your mom will get Chlamydia — and die.”

Aria tries to talk to Gilbert about it, and he tells her to maybe mind her own beeswax while also throwing around words like “adult” and “grown-up,” which is a classic mistake when you’re wooing someone younger than you. Aria storms out and is going to bed hungry now, for sure, because she didn’t eat at Gil’s and she didn’t eat at Spencer’s and the only thing she ate at home was a carrot.

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