“Pretty Little Liars” mini-cap (1.03): Alison was like, “Emily, I can’t invite you. I think you’re a lesbian.”


Aria stops by her mom’s gallery on the way home from school and his dad’s whore is hanging around, jonesing for an invite to the opening. Aria’s mom offers it up, and Aria stops the whore on the way out and says, “Whore, leave my dad alone! I blinded a girl once, maybe killed another girl. I play with Gilbert-shaped fire for a hobby — so don’t cross me!” And the whore says, “See you at the show tonight!”

And she does! Ballsy whore is ballsy, I’m telling you! Aria stops her at the door and says, “I thought I told you to stay away!” And the whore says, “Mind your own beeswax, kid.”

Aria goes to Mr. Gilbert’s apartment for comfort and he says it’s probably best if she doesn’t come in. She agrees, apologizes, and then! Kryptonite! Brown-haired, brown-eyed girl crying! Mr. Gilbert wraps her up in his arms and strokes her hair and kisses her head and is falling in actual love with her. Oh, Mr. Gilbert! I hope you can write a novel, good sir, because your teaching career is never going to make it past year one!

Emily and Maya are hand-holding, arm-caressing, spooning buddies now. Coincidentally, and not related in any way, Emily doesn’t want Quileute Wolf Ben to touch her anymore. Not in the hallway. Not at her house. Not in his car. Not at all, not at all, not at all. He tells Emily there’s a party tonight with lots of dark, quiet corners. Emily hears “Shrieking Shack,” thinks “Maya” and then totally invites her to come along. Ben is like, “Damn. I wanted to bone you.” And Maya is like, “Awesome. I want to bone you.” And Emily is like, “Good. This will be fun.”

After swim practice, Emily is getting changed when Quileute Wolf Ben sneaks in and gets all kinds of aggressively handsy. She’s having a hard time fighting him off, but then Toby — who somehow knew what was happening in the girls’ locker room — bursts through the door and thraxes Quileute Wolf Ben. Thraxes him good. Emily figures attempted date rape is a pretty good reason to break up with someone, and so she does. And good for her.

Maya takes Emily to the party in her sweet ride, and suggests they try out the photo booth. They take a couple of standard bestie shots (with bonus caressing!) and then they have some sort of mutual mindmeld and decide that making out is the best course of action. Maybe it’s because Emily literally goes, “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” right before the first flash.

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