“Pretty Little Liars” mini-cap (1.03): Alison was like, “Emily, I can’t invite you. I think you’re a lesbian.”

Spencer’s pissy sister is pissy because Spencer snogged her fiance’s face off. She’s not even upset about losing the guy; she’s upset because she has to tell everyone the wedding is off. Spencer takes a train somewhere — it’s unclear where this British fiance has scampered off to — and tells him to set the record straight with her family: He came onto her. He says that he’s already tried, but no one believes a lying liar, and then he comes onto her again, saying he chose the wrong sister.

Spencer splits, but you can bet your Regatta Gala she’s not finished with this guy yet, especially when he rightly calls after her, “You’d be happier here with me; your family are assholes!”

At home, Spencer struggles over a paper about the Russian Revolution, which is just plain silly because it’s one of the most fascinating revolutions in the history of the world and there are plentiful Lenin GIFs all over the Internet to spice up any Power Point presntation.

I’m serious. Watch this: Blah blah blah Bolsheviks blah blah blah.

Now, don’t you want to know more about the Russian Revolution?

Spencer’s sister’s laptop is open beside her and she conveniently has a paper on the Russian Revolution — that she wrote in 1994! Windows 3.1, you guys! — sitting on her desktop. Spencer steals it, thinks about not using it, but then her sister busts in and calls her a whore in eleven different ways, and so Spencer goes ahead and plagiarizes — because her sister deserves it!

She rocks up into the party and has a collective memory with the PLLs about how Toby saved Jenna from The Bomb, and then Alison shouted at him about how he had to take the fall and so he did. Afterward, he lurks in the shadows and grins at her and is creepy and aloof and you can see his chin dimple even in the dark.

You want to talk about whores, though? Aria is having breakfast with her family when her dad’s mistress has the balls to sashay right on up to the table and ask why he hasn’t returned her professional business woman in town on business calls. He says he’ll do it later today, and she scoots up in there like a professional homewrecker and touches him while he writes down her email address. Aria is like, “WTF, dad?” And her dad lays it out like this: The mistress used to be his student! And now she is a TA who works right across the hall! Aria fails to see the parallel, probably because Mr. Gilbert is superior to her dad in every way — so she leaves in a huff.

At school, Aria asks out Mr. Gilbert on three different dates, and he says she should probably pretend to be interested in her peers. The only thing she’s interested in, though, is touching him any way she can. It’s pinkies this time, and he gulps and she gulps and I gulp and then some lame teacher comes in asking about some lame teacher thing and they jump apart and talk about To Kill a Mockingbird.

(They are pushing this Mockingbird thing hard, and it is my all-time favorite book, a story I know by heart. My dog is named Scout like Scout Finch.) But I’m not really seeing the parallels. I mean, I can kind of see Toby as a Boo Radley, except I think it’s lust/affection for Emily and not altruism that’s motivating him. But let’s keep an eye on the Harper Lee thing, because if they pull it around to that, it will blow my mind in the very best way.)

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